Oh I almost forgot...Happy Holidays!!

Brian says I don't update enough...

So general update:

Mike & I are done, and have been for awhile, maybe I was in mourning because I didn't feel like talking about it, maybe I thought things would change...they won't...I can't explain what happened because well I don't really understand...we talked about things and he's really too emotionally stunted...he likes me but not enough to call it anything...he confronted me as if my views of dating were skewed...I don't understand why people aren't honest.

I can now focus on un-fucking up my life...focusing on things that work well, focusing on my career and focusing on friends and family and finding some sort of financial stability.

Been being a bit more social...I have volleyball and I have happy hours with some of my favorite friends...been making an effort to go to social things I am invited to and less work stuff...my boss got fired anyway so i feel like I can do what I want...new boss is okay, don't know that I trust him yet but we'll see...he thought my idea for an internal young professionals group was a good idea. He's taking it to the execs to see if anyone buys into it...I hope they will...I think it would be fun.

This weekend is kind of exciting...last night went to the movies with some of the MUPs...saw TRON...eww don't bother, all I could think was wow that's two hours I will never get back...tonight going with Tim to a party at Chad & Carolyn's...got a baller bottle of Absolut Limited Edition to exchange...who doesn't love alcohol? Besides Muslims and Jehovah's Witnesses I mean...tomorrow going to the Trans Siberian Orchestra with Tim and crew...should be fun, I've never gone before...I don't know exactly what to expect other than some sort of orchestra-ish-ness so who knows?

Next week the highlights include: Volleyball and going to see It's A Wonderful Life with Tim at this new theatre in Amherst that also serves alcohol..it's like best of both worlds...and now I don't have to smuggle in a magic bottle

Maybe I will even update next week

Everyone should read A Girl's Gotta Eat!

So today I read A Girl's Gotta Eat!   and she had this to say about a recent guy she had dated/seen

"He would have completely engulfed my need to be ‘wanted’ and caring and sweet.  I don’t want that. I'm ready for someone in my life who drives me to be a better person, someone who challenges me and questions my intentions and ruffles my feathers.  Someone who is a man that is not afraid of an independent woman.  I have friends, I want to hang out with them.  I love my job, I want to work late. I know you have friends, I want you to spend time with them. I want to go to California, I am going to go to California.  I want someone to take random adventures with me and appreciate the spontaneity of life"

And I couldn't help to think"Hey that sounds ideal!"...sort of...considering my string of failed attempts at romance maybe I should re-work what I'm looking for  a bit...or maybe stick to it for once


I want all of those things AGG2E had to say...especially the better person, challenger, feather ruffler part....I don't want someone who is going to kowtow to me...it would never work and I would run all over him...I want someone who will let me be silly but doesn't let me get ridiculous without calling me out on it...I do want someone to push the grocery cart though...I HATE HATE HATE pushing the grocery cart, I feel like it hinders my ability to wander around the supermarket...and the last thing I want is to be fenced in!

I think I have been so fixated on wanting a boyfriend that I've been apt to settle for whatever comes my way rather than really choosing someone who is good for me...not just a good guy. So I guess we'll see...

In other news hanging out with a new boy...or rather a new old boy...likes years ago...and its fun times so far...I'll keep you posted on that...p.s. totally swearing off men named Mike...all of them have been bad news bears...and I'm done striking out

Work is ridiculous as per uuse...my boss got fired and now everyone is all over the place and I feel like I am just treading water hoping someone will throw me a life preserver....I need some direction here please! I keep having this overwhelming sense of finality...as if this is the make or break period....or maybe I'm just going to be fired....that would be QUITE a Christmas present...we'll see...

Longoria-Parker

I don't know what it is about this couple but it makes me sad that they're breaking up...there was something really genuine and fun and loving about them....I know the media is going crazy about it but I just really think it's sad....it's sad when a love affair gets ruined by life...

Obviously they had some issues, even if she doesn't see them...something happened in the relationship to change the love...and to have every word you said/action you did all over the news must sting a lot more than anything the normal person goes through.....

So I'm mildly dramatic

Mike just called to see how my day was and tell me what a hit my cookies were at school (I made him take a bunch to school for me so I wouldn't eat them all)...turns out he was in the lab day, after staying up until 5am working on a model...sometimes I forget how school is...

Bottom line: we talked for like 3 minutes but he just called to check in and say hey....that's cute right?

Do other people ever feel like this?

So things are going relatively well with Mike...actually I can't complain...at all...which is new...he pays attention to me, he is genuinely interested in things I say, we have a good time together....so why am I sitting here mopey? I could say it was this gloomy rainy day but its my own insecurities....I really like Mike and that scares the crap out of me...it would be easier if he didn't really like me or if he treated me like crap, at least I would know what to expect...but with someone who genuinely cares...what do I do with that? Get comfortable? What if he decides tomorrow that this is all a mistake and pulls away and I'm left staring out into the world? What if I have completely read this all wrong and he has no interest in me at all and again I'm left? Maybe I have abandonment issues...I'm assuming...or maybe I'm just not used to relationships that might work out...this mopey feeling all started when he didn't answer the phone or call me back right away...which is silly, sometimes he has school...or maybe he's doing work...or he had a crappy day at school and doesn't want to talk....I mean right?? So why am I sooo crazy?

I guess there are things that are worse than a broken heart right?

Someone should explain that to my mind...

Happy?

So okay I think most of my readers (all two of you) know the story of Mike and his drunken I like you but don't believe in dating...well he kicked it up a notch...

So I texted him Friday to ask for the code to the lounge in Hayes...he proceeded to not tell me but ask me to meet him after studio...I obliged because of the message I sent him a few weeks ago about not being lame and saying he'd never date because well everyone should be allowed a rebuttal right? So we meet up and he talks about randomness and asks me to dinner...we go head out and get to the car and he's like well about you message and I tell him I don't even want to hear it because well I didn't at the time...I mean if it was going to be awkward and we were on our way to dinner why would I want to hear it? So he tells me that he wanted me to know he got it but needs time to respond...I say fine and we go to dinner...during dinner he gets a call from Jenn who wants us to hang out and try this new beer place...so we go...after I meet his cat...Pepper...I usually hate cats with a passion, mostly because of the allergies....but I don't hate this one...she's actually kind of cute and she's lazy and doesn't really do anything, like jump on me...which I hate...Mike has to take care of the cat because of some divorce-related issue...I don't really ask because its not really my place....Mike says he wants to bake a pie this weekend but I have to make sure I am there to help him (for those of you who know him, he bakes quite well on his own and I am generally just there for entertainment value)...late in the car he says that if we are going to start hanging out all the time I am going to have to listen to country once in awhile I tell him I actually like country so he's in luck haha

We go out and meet Jenn and Sarah and drink overpriced beers with hipsters...get bored and head down the street to drink with Chad and his gf...Mike ends up getting pretty drunk and tells me he loves me....not once but twice...I don't say anything back because well what can I say? I figure once he's sober he'll either not remember or he'll pretend he doesn't remember

So we head to Scarlet for a few more drinks...I help Mike back to the car...we talk until he passes out...I stop at Jims Steakout for fries (leaving Mike in the car)....drive him to his apartment and when we're in the driveway, he looks at me with afunny look and tells me he loves me one more time and we share a hug that definitely lingers...

I leave confused....

The next day I work for a few hours and call Mike, he is pretty chipper...he tells me he is not going to the waterfront seminar but to let him know how things go...we kind of have a cute conversation...I tell him I will call him tomorrow for pie baking...

Sunday he calls me before I call him...when I call him back he was like I just wanted to see when you were coming over...so I head over and we go to lunch...sushi...he holds the door...after lunch we stop at Wegmans, grab some things and then head off to bake...We together pretty well as a team...we hang out and bake and watch movies and really just have a good time...at one point he lights some candles in the house and makes sure to point out he's lighting them because they smell nice, not because of "anything else" which makes me laugh...cause really? we talk about random facts about us...favorite colors, middle names, books, etc....he remembers that I love 'White Christmas' I ask him how we started hanging out...I can't recall...he says "even if we can't remember how it started, we should be thankful it happened"....which I thought was incredibly sweet. We talk about him re-upholstering his kitchen chairs and he asks me my opinion...

We had to make another run to Wegmans and we get into his car and he mentions not being able to find the hip-hop channels...which makes me laugh because he really listened to Keri Hilson to entertain me...we talk about him buying a truck and he asks me if I would judge him or think less of him...I reminded him I work in construction where everyone has a truck haha

So anyway...back to his house, some more baking....ate the most delicious pie I have ever made (and one of the only ones)...we pack up everything, clean up a bit and he walks me to my car...and makes sure to keep his distance...I don't get it...

Like I like him for sure...but it's like how long do you think he'll keep his distance? How long is it okay/acceptable? Do I just keep trying? I kind of think this secretly kind of good for me because I get very skittish when things move too quickly...but I'm not asking for us to hook up, just for him not to be afraid to touch me...

Tonight we had volleyball and I hung out with Danny and John and they seem normal, aren't afraid to touch people and they've had crazy things happen and had their hearts broken before but they don't try to preserve themselves and I just wonder what to do...obviously I need to think about it...but if you have any ideas, let me know..

Bienvenido a Miami!

So I realized I haven't updated in quite sometime...so much for my blog a day

So since I last updated I have been to Albany for a conference, hung out with my favorite second family, bought some wonderful cupcakes, and had the world's longest rainy drive back to Buffalo...hopped a plane, traveled from 4am Sunday until 11pm Sunday to Miami and arrived for conference number 2...realized they overcharged me for conference number one, wandered around Miami, had breakfast with Michelle, Kristen came, conferenced and continued to wander around Miami and here we are

The highlights:

Conference booths have a lot of fun giveaways...like no joke...I got a porcelain lip gloss holder from Exxon Mobil....like seriously?

Got a Job Offer from a company in Cleveland all because I was a cute networker

Had the most delicious Cheesecake Turtle Gelato ever!

Realized Miami is a racket! 18% gratuity on absolutely everything...I'm pretty sure handing me my order of fries doesn't constitute a tip...but I get it your town runs on tourism....but still

Met a cute guy, Chris....from the job in Cleveland...no ring...exchanged cards...we'll see

Some photos from the Miami trip...

 The view outside my window....I heart Loew's

 My cute little room...I want to live here

 The conference...seriously crazy...

My and Kristen's drinks from OH Mexico!

Random Update

So I think I am starting to fall of the wagon with this daily updating...or I'm getting senile cause I could have sworn that I updated more than this...

Went on a super cool tour of one of our buildings the other day...it's a new engineering building we're the GCs on...so we develop this tour for the SWE and there are guys there which I thought was weird but apparently it's not that strange at all according to Tyra

So I met this guy from ASME named Joe and we kinda hit it off...he's going to help out with a program I run...he also stuck to me during the tour and afterward like it was his job...he also came out into the cold to help me carry things in and then wouldn't really let me carry anything...no ring...I checked and if my calculations are right based on linkedin...he's about 6 years older than I am...I'm going to say these are both plusses

Also had our first week at volleyball...its kinda fun although if you would have asked me in high school if I would be friends with these people I would probably say no...we're just a random mix...but it seems to work...Danny is funny...he keeps telling me that I'm so smart and he's not (which isn't true...to be honest he was more focused on being cool in high school and cool kids never do homework apparently) he also kept apologizing to me for being a jerk in high school (again I blame the coolness)...it was never anything major...and now he's commenting on facebook and telling me that he remembers kissing me in high school (which I may have already mentioned but it bears repeating because it was really amazing for the high school version of me)...we'll see what's up with that

Last night I went to a mixer (for lack of a better word)...it was about success in the city and diversity...it was kind of okay...I chatted with a few people and realized I am getting better at small talking everyday plus there were cute successful guys there which is always a plus...made some connections...

Last day of work before my Albany/Miami extravaganza!!! I am super excited....rumor is this weekend will consist of the Norlunds, a cornmaze and ice cream cake....YAY!

I really want to update....

But life won't let me...

Things are busy....volleyball last night...lost...but fun times regardless....Danny brought up the time we kissed in high school during truth or dare...randomness...

Week is ridiculously busy....can't wait to head to Albany...Meg left me a teaser of a cornmaze....hopefully we'll get to hang out a bit

Oh and I'm going to see the Trans  Siberian Orchestra with Adam and Tim...should be fun

Sweetest Day...p.s. I'm slightly drunk

So tonight I went out with my fav boys Chris and Eric and we went to Empire and then to the Steer for dinner...Mike joined us...so Mike semi-flirts with me and we joke around and then decide to go out to Fugazi because Derek is working....on the ride over Mike tells me that he needs me to know that we cannot have a relationship because he isn't the relationship type (this is out of the blue mind you)...so he continues to say that he thought this is what I wanted and he just can't do it because of everything that happened with his father...so I'm like well I don't know if you know but I don't generally date...it just never happens and he's like well I like you and you're really nice but I just can't...(ummm, pretty sure you don't have to explain it to me or convince me...I didn't even bring it up)...he proceeds to ask me if things are really done with a previous interest...I tell him they are, he asks if I am really sure that there is nothing, which makes me wonder why he is so concerned...it was above and beyond the normal general interest, like he asked three separate times if it was really over...at some point in the night he told me that he knew in Spring semester that I wanted a relationship...I looked back through my bloggery and I was totally in like with Chad at that point...so I'm wondering who really wanted this relationship in Spring semester...


So we head out to Fugazi and Mike is hanging on to me, and flirting and when I bend over to order my drink he's touching the small of my back and being generally flirty and inappropriate...at one point I am walking to the bathroom and he cups my bottom...like WTF...so he's in my space and flirting/joking around, asking my bra size and when I show Chris my bra he totally goes to touch the lacy part of it...which is a general violation but is also him making the move, he also jokes that he hasn't ruled out us drunkenly making out...like all this stuff which I know I am forgetting and I'm all like whatever because really what can I say? or do? So I need to tip Derek so I go looking to each of the boys to throw in...I grab Mike's jean pockets to get his wallet and he flips on me saying I know that he cannot get into a relationship and what am I doing...and I was like seriously dude? Like I'm just grabbing for your wallet and he immediately changes and is like oh ok it's in the right pocket...as if I am going to take his pants off in the middle of the bar....I mean who am I? Snookie?

So we leave and I am grabbing Chris' arm and Mike comes over and grabs my other arm to walk me to the car...completely unnecessary right?

So we head to Chippewa which is uber lame so we leave and head back to Allen...Chris and Eric leave and Mike asks me what I want to do...we end up heading back home and he is sitting in silence pondering the night...meanwhile I'm thinking what a crazy person...so we get to his driveway and its like awkward where he's looking at me and is generally being kind of weird and asks me about an awkward smile on my face (to which I reply there is none)...then proceeds to tell me that we should go shopping tomorrow so I can tell him what clothes he would look best in...then says he doesn't know what to say and he's just going to get out of the car now...

So I watch him walk to his apartment and can't help but think about how insane our conversation/situation has been this evening....I don't know where the whole relationship thing came from, I've never asked him or even really hinted...the dad thing is messed up...his dad has a secret family and illegitimate child roaming around and it has really done a number on Mike...he found this all out semi-recently...or just started talking about it...but to think that you would have feelings for someone and try to convince yourself it was not a good idea for whatever reason...well it's just really sad...unless I am reading this completely wrong I think that's what is generally going on here...I don't know if he's afraid he's like his father and will hurt someone or that he's like his mother and will end up getting hurt...it's just really unfortunate because we really would make a good couple....not that I'm pushing it or anything...

Introducing my first pseudo-niece: Mia (My-a in case you were wondering)

There she is folks....Mia Alora Servos...and I helped bring her into this world....it's pretty amazing actually...she may have even led to me re-thinking having children...it's kind of gross and it messes with your insides but it is the only everyday miracle we have left...to think that she grew inside of someone and one day she'll be a 5'6 beautiful scientist is mind boggling...yes I am going to make her love math and science, it is the future :)

It was pretty stressful though and it seems kind of painful...but I guess it's like anything, you have to go through a little pain and risk for something really great, right? Maybe Aunt Meg and Aunt Mel will have some children to spoil....no guarantees but we'll see.

Right now she is in the NICU because she came out with a fever and a little sickness....but everyone thinks she'll make a full recovery. Tania's dad got so upset over it he passed out in the NICU and had to be taken downstairs to the ER...he said it was more embarrassing than anything...but still it was crazy...he just said wow it's warm in here and the next thing you know he was taking out a table on laying on the ground.

So all in all it was an eventful day...

Day 4: Could this be a trend?

Ridiculously busy day at work...we made the paper for our press conference!! Bonus :)

The exec that semi-thinks I'm dumb came over to tell me I did a great job...Double bonus!

Hung out with the woman from the state...turns out she's super nice and super normal and thinks that what I'm doing is important and also understand the pitfalls...really nice

Went out with Cisco tonight...downtown coffee shop...

He was in rare form...like flirty random banter and ridiculousness...and he was on time, let me talk, and we found out we had more in common than we thought...including a love for prehistoric animals which is SUPER nerdy...he starts his job in DC in November...15th to be exact...so he has to find a place asap...he told me he felt like I stiffed him on Saturday, I told him I had a wedding and he was on crack...so we're going out this weekend...movie and going downtown...we'll see how this goes...

He keeps telling me that he isn't ready to settle down yet but then he asks me where I want to live and what I want to do and long term questions....I can't tell if he's saying the not settle because he's not ready to settle or because he is wondering what I'm think or he's scared...it's weird...I know people are like well guys say what they mean...I know that's not the case with him at all...we already talked about me coming to visit and going along the national mall and seeing the sites...we joked about sleeping together (non-sexual) and I told him I get to be the little spoon, he told me he'd try to remember to wear underwear Hahah

What's odd is fr the first time in a long time, he didn't hug me goodbye....weird

Habeus Corpus

So I've been thinking about this....is my life filled with lawyers? Does this mean something?

Cisco--lawyer

Dan--lawyer

Mark--lawyer


I always thought it was engineers but who knows....


This is just random...apparently making a promise to blog daily is about quantity...not quality

Day 3: You're serious right?

So today's press conference went amazingly well...didn't have to speak live, but I did answer a few questions for a segment of the Making it Happen show...I'll have to learn how to post a video from Meggo so that you can all see me awkwardly stare at the camera

On a random note: Apparently when you decide to put yourself out there but you don't know what you're looking for...well sometimes things come from nowhere

So Mark...whom I haven't seen since the APA conference in NOLA...tonight he texts me and says "he still cares very much about me and can't wait to see me when he comes home"

Back story: Mark and I have known each other for about 9 or 10 years...we worked at Bob Evans together, he always tried to talk to me but I was wrapped up in the whole Richie deal...we kissed once in the cooler and well it was pretty hot...he went away to school, I quit working there and I hadn't seen him in years until facebook (Thanks Mark Zuckerberg)...we chatted a bit, exchanged numbers, around 2008 we talked about trying the whole dating thing...that Christmas break he told me he didn't think it would work because of distance (and because he had met a local girl) they dated and married, we kept talking as friends...I met up with him in NOLA and we reminisced, he told me things weren't working with his wife, I told him he should work on it...4 months later...He divorced his wife...or that's what facebook told me anyway...he lives in Alabama and just passed the bar...he texted me about a month back saying that my existence was a way to remind him that there were extraordinary things in the world and that someone could really be blessed by the existence of a person...I finally texted him back tonight to thank him...then the "cares about me" text happened

Now that you're caught up...I can't help but wonder about this idea...but I wonder about the distance and if we're different or if I'm jumping ahead of myself...and what if he wanted me to move to Alabama? First off, eww humidity...but would I?

I'm doing really well for myself here, but does that really matter? Especially if I'm successful but alone? Today Gene (my fav exec) took me to lunch for a press conference well done and we talked about balance...and he said "how can you be happy if you're successful but you're getting a divorce or have no social time?" or something to that effect...and I can't help but wonder if our talk wasn't well timed in some divine way...

I'll keep ya posted friends!

Day 2--Unsettled

So today a few random things happened:

1) Cisco got a job...in DC...and I can't tell how I feel about it...I'm happy for him but I guess I didn't really think he'd leave...he's going to be a lobbyist for Native Affairs...which is cool, it's what he wants to do....so why am I feeling unsettled?

We are supposed to hang out this week...we'll see

2) Tomorrow is the press conference of my life...it's where the greater world finds out about my architecture program that I wrote...and I might have to give the announcement myself....me making the announcement alongside the mayor, superintendent, dean of schools, and random other guest stars...which terrifies me...and also makes me really excited...

3)Chatted with Adam today...we're going to have a dinner party at his house...which is exciting...he also mentioned going to hang out with Justin in Baltimore and his friend Ana...which again makes me feel unsettled...I'm sensing a theme going on here...

NaNoWriMo?

So my cousin is a writer and has recently been facebooking about whether to NanoWriMo or not...I was obviously like WTF and then I saw it on Meggo's blog and clicked the link...writing a 50,000 word novel in one month...can anyone do that? I thinnk to myself maybe I could try...I think I'd end up writing a not-so-fictional story about something way to close to home...I think my creative juices have kind of died...or at least taken a back seat to navigating the corporate world.

I was thinking that while I may not be able to write 50,000 words I could update my blog everyday for a month...that's what I will aim for anyway...

So here we are unofficial blog month...10/10-11/10

I will update the inner-workings of my life for 30 days as objectively as possible and see what happens...maybe I will be in a completely different place, in one of those epiphanies that people hope for and lifetime movies are all about...

I'll start with this weekend...

Friday--Bachelorette dinner with some of the girls from work...I realized what giant assholes they really are...and slutty assholes at that...my boss recommended that I not attend the party because two of the women were recently fired for insurance fraud...I went anyway because it felt like peer pressure, plus I really don't like when people tell me what to do...makes me do the opposite obviously...bottomline I really don't like hanging out with dumb girls...and I realized that some people keep their jobs because they're hookers, all they talked about was ll the guys they hooked up with...ewww whores

Afterward I went home changed and went to Adam's house for a party...when I arrived Adam picked on me because I always tell him I am just "stopping through" so I actually stayed this time...until the end...had a semi-awkward moment with Tim where he felt the need to grab my face and stare at me and pull me in close...he was drunk so I'll dismiss it but if I was being objective I would say it was pretty flirtatious...Adam and I joked around a lot and he made me his date during Kings cup which of course doesn't really mean anything but maybe it does...I was the last to leave, he thought I was staying over and when I said I wasn't because I don't sleep on couches he made a comment about his bed...when I looked shocked he backtracked that his dog usually tried to steal half of it...then he walked me to the door and we had a long conversation at the door. He told me he missed me and was glad I was coming back around because it had been too long...he talked about us needing to see each other more and we talked about going to see the Trans-Siberian Orchestra in December...and we hugged like 3 times...I don't know what to say about it...I later dreamt about him, we were in a coffee shop and he kissed me and I kissed him and we went upstairs and kissed under a bed...which is weird I think and then I ran up another flight and I yelled at someone for being racist...

Saturday--B.KURTZ got MARRIED!! It was such a beautiful wedding...I teared up like 3-5 times during the ceremony and of course during their first dance, father-daughter and mother-son...I also came to the realization that I want that one day...the love, wedding, happiness, marriage deal....as much as I pretend I don't...I only put up a good front...Jill teared up too, which made me happy because she usually acts like a tough ass too...we're both secretly hopeless romantics...also had a super good time with Eric, he danced and goofed around and spun me on the dance floor...and even though he's slightly rhythmically challenged it was just really nice that he went along with everything...too bad he's gay...haha...most guys will not look foolish just to make someone else happy...so I really value that

Sunday--Slept in, hung around the house and just contemplated everything...do I like Adam? Why does Cisco keep calling me? We had a really awkward pseudo-date and he put his head on my shoulder/top of my boob when we hugged at the end of the night...I wasn't down with it at all...he texted me as well and wants me to "holla at him" I really hate when guys talk to me like we're bros...I'm trying really hard to re-establish that I am a lady and should be treated as such...I've been a bro for too long...and no ones wants to date bros right?

Feelin' some kind of way...

I hate feeling inky...it's one of those kind of like the blues but more like the mean reds from Breakfast at Tiffany's mixed with a general sense of apathy and unhappiness...I hate it, it doesn't come often but when it happens it ruins days...and well unfortunately this is how I feel right now

Allegedly I'm successful but it certainly doesn't feel like it...I guess I thought success would be better or more exciting, like the movies...instead it's more like Notorious B.I.G.'s Mo' Money Mo' Problems...

I've lost quite a bit of weight by now...I've gone down like four sizes...seven since I've been really heavy...it's weird I don't feel any more attractive though...like I think I always thought losing weight would do that...instead I'm thinking that 10 more, 20 more, 50 more pounds and maybe I'll be better...I guess I thought it would be different...and that suddenly boys would be all about dating me

Instead that is not the case at all...I told Drew how I felt...no response...I guess it's for the better but still it hurts, like we pseudo-dated on and off for 2 years...vacation together and being each other's plus 1 and then nothing

and then there's a new guy who seemed super into me Friday night but Sunday afternoon he's busy...maybe I'm being dramatic about this one...I mean people are allowed to be busy sometimes....it was just ill-timed with my case of the mean reds

add to that Cisco postponed our dinner tonight and well here we are...me feeling cranky

I suppose I should think about all of the things that could be wrong...I mean I could not have a job, and there are plenty instances of unrequited love around me (namely Eric and Chris)...and well I could be really unattractive instead of just a jacked up perception...idk

I just want someone to tell me I'm beautiful and take me on a proper date...I'm pretty sure this is my year...I mean people I never thought would have a boyfriend/girlfriend have one and well i just have a feeling my time is before the end of December...I just figured we'd start talking before then, I'm awkward so it takes some time to open up...I need a chance to get close to someone before the whole dating deal...

People keep saying that God will send someone when the time is right but how does he know the right time? And others say that you have to work at it to get to it, kind of like pursuing a job...something I am familiar with...I did stalk my current job for a few months...so do you pursue it or leave yourself open?

Damn you technology

So first...I never thought anyone read my blog (except for Meg...or Mel when I forced her) so to get a comment from Annah (who's blog is awesome btw) was really cool...you should check out her blog as well...if I was savvy and knew how to make her name the link I totally would...but you can check my last post for her comment/link

So just an update...I've been hanging out with someone new...we'll call him OneStep (because he always seems to take jokes one step too far)and I think it's good but it's also super difficult for me...because I have to think about it actually working and that means one day I'm going to have to talk about my feelings...something I hate to do...

So far we've been out to the movies twice, out to a ball game, and on Friday he showed me his new apartment...we hung out and talked for awhile...his phone rang and it was a mutual friend so he gave it to me to answer...which always works for me because I get to act ridiculous...afterward we went to dinner (he paid, snatched the bill off of the table to be exact to prevent me from attempting to pay) he held doors, walked on the outside of the street, all of those things that I secretly pay attention to...he talked about the future...about getting a puppy, he asked me if I was allergic (I later found out he is in his lease for a year so he meant after that...long term??) We wandered around Target because he needed gift wrap for a birthday party the next day, he let me take over all the shopping duties and he paid...I made one comment about liking Avatar and he picked it up...I teased him about it and he said he was trying to expand his blu-ray collection and liked that I recommended it...I think it's kind of cute...we go back to his house and watch Slumdog...which I had never seen before...so it was like out of an episode of boy meets world...we started on opposite sides of the couch and slowly moved closer...it was hysterical...finally I decided to do the full lean on his shoulder/lap for the rest of the movie...when the movie was over we chatted for a bit and watched some Leno...then I left and he walked me to the door and gave me a big hug and then pulled back and I was thinking here's my chance to kiss him and all of a sudden he turned and looked at me and I totally chickened out and gave him another hug instead...I felt really lame

So last night I was out with Carianne and we were talking about OneStep and she said I should ask him to do something so I texted and he said he was busy...so I was kind of annoyed and it felt like rejection so I was kind of in a huff...so i went home and entertained myself with boys online...and I checked my phone as I was going to be and he had texted to ask if I was on googlechat...which i thought I was but my phone had logged me in and then not given me access to it...so finally this morning I was able to look at it and he had left a message saying that he thought dessert with me was better than any work he was doing around the house and was I still interested...I was really annoyed that I missed it...so I sent him a message that I never got his message last night and did he want to do something today...I think he's sore with me because he hasn't responded...

Sigh...this is more difficult than I thought...it seems like everyone is touchy...including me

If you don't look out for yourself...who will?

So I've come to a realization...

it's not worth it

I don't want to be with someone who makes me work for their affection...its not fair and I definitely deserve better

This was sparked by quite a few things that have been happening lately...

1) Just Wright--a movie starring Queen Latifah, who is the all around great homegirl who is always the friend and never the girlfriend (aka the story of my life)...the story heats up when she meets this amazing guy (played by Common) who is perfect for her and vice versa but he is interested in her gorgeous skinnier godsister (played by Paula Patton)...after the godsister walks out on him and he's left with no one else he realizes how amazing Latifah is but as soon as Paula comes back into the picture he dumps Latifah after wining and dining her as well as hooking up with her...she's crushed and he realizes how shallow Paula is and how amazing she is (this is the part of the story that never happens to me) and fights to win her back...they get married and live happily ever after...why does the chubby girl have to work so much harder? Latifah's character was amazing, smart, funny, down to earth, successful...like what the hell does she have to do to find someone worthwhile who thinks that she's worthwhile too

2) Reunion--just realizing im 10 years out is weird...there are some people who have between 2-4 people...some at least had relationships...there were a few of us who were single but I just really thought I would have been somewhere by now...seeing the boys was weird because they realized that they consider me as "one of the boys" so they can chat with me but then some hoochie comes by and its all over...

3) Cisco--this damn back and forth...he either needs to say how he feels or leave me alone...im done...he keeps planning days and then cancelling or telling me he's too busy...well he can go fuck himself...im done...if hanging out with me was important there would be time...and he wouldn't double-book days and then decide what sounds more appealing...I deserve more respect than that

4) Okoa--I have no idea...we have this amazing time and then he acts like he can't be bothered...well if thats the case...neither can I

5) Casey--so there's this kid at work, we started on the same day which helped us bond...and he seems like a really awesome person..I totally thought we could bond over our newness, we grabbed lunch together and then he asked me to help him with GIS...and he wanted to go to Allentown with me..I was like oh awesome!
So then he bailed on Allentown and then we met today to work on the GIS which basically was me doing the work and him taking the credit and all of a sudden it felt so familiar...all those times I wanted boys to like me I used what I had (brains) hoping that by helping them they would like me...and I suddenly felt very very foolish...this wasn't going to make him like me...it just made me a sucker..I was giving away my knowledge for free, to someone who would more than likely never reciprocate....it didn't work in 7th grade with my global outlines and it didn't work in grad school with land use management memos...all I ever felt was used...

So effective today...I am taking a break...it may be hard but it has to be done

All of this phony reciprocation in movies and TV has just messed me up...but the lack of real life reciprocity is even worse

Pseudo-dating or commit-a-phobe?

I have to have this on record. I have no idea whatsoever what the definition of dating is these days...

When is a date a date? Is it when the guy asks a girl out? When he offers to pay? When he picks you up? When he holds doors and walks on the outside of the street? What happens if it's the girl who asks the guy out? Or if they go dutch? What if you hang out in a group but it’s clear there are dating couplets?

I mean seriously how on earth would I know if it's a date? I may have been dating all my life and never really come upon a real traditional date…it’s never like the movies, he doesn’t pick you up and bring flowers and compliment you on your cute outfit or fabulous hair ‘do…you could easily swap this guy for your best girl friend and the experience could be pretty similar…but where is it different?

Besides it's so stressful to think of it as a date date. It’s probably just me but I tend to think of someone I'm dating as someone I'm actually having a committed relationship with. Everyone else, it's just meeting up…or pseudo dating

I googled pseudo-dating thinking that it was something I just created…and yet there it was in all it’s google glory…

Definition: (1) when one person asks another person to do something and only one person knows that it's a date. Also referred to as trick dating

(2) The act of partaking in platonic activities with a member of the opposite sex which, while appearing innocent on the surface, may be construed as inappropriate by their potential significant other. Pseudo-dating often involves mild flirtation and may progress to actual "dating" down the road.

(courtesy of urbandictionary.com—my go-to for all things slang)

I think this is seriously an issue in commitment phobic America these days…I am constantly on pseudo-dates wondering if things are just platonic or if they want to date date me…. The partially commitment phobic side of me thinks of meeting up with guys as... well... meeting up or hanging out. Maybe that's also the deluded side of me. But sometimes it's just so vague. I mean perhaps he's asking just as friends? I don't necessarily think that every guy who asks me out is romantically interested in me. And maybe he pays 'coz he's just being a man and the amount isn't all that much anyway to burn a hole in his wallet. I’ve had guy friends who I’ve met up with who have done that. And I have no reason to ever think it was anything besides purely platonic.

I’ve been hanging out (for lack of a better word) with Cisco lately…we go for five hour coffee together and he’s interested in what papers I write and in my life and remembers random things about me and offers to pay…does this mean we’re dating? He always says let’s get together soon…does that mean date? Or is that like when I say hang out? He’s finally back in town after being away at grad school for so long, so we need to adjust to a whole new scenario…before I used to see him on breaks from school…now we can technically see each other everyday (not that it would happen)…when he walked me to my car after coffee (for the 3rd time) he brought up the “I had a great time” speech and we hugged (the full double arm-squeeze kind of hug)….but without him saying it or making a move, are we dating? Does he just like chatting with people for 5 hours at a coffee shop?

We talked about someone he used to “hang out” with and he didn’t think it was dating because he “didn’t like her like that” but he took her out for birthday drinks, they did dinner at her house and there were movies involved…they were totally dating in my opinion…I’m quite sure the girl in this scenario thought so…I brought up pseudo-dating and he acted like it was a foreign idea…I explained what he felt was platonic was totally dating in her eyes…duh

So why is it so easy for me to see when others are pseudo-dating or dating but I couldn’t say the same for myself if someone stood outside my window with a boombox over their head ala Say Anything?

Undateable

So on the few remaining days of my vacation I decided I would do whatever I wanted, and have time to prep for my first day in the real world....so of course I watched VH1's Undateable marathon...for those of you have have lives and haven't seen this, there is a book written by two women who list the gross, weird, nerdy, lame things guys do that make us not want to sleep with them or date them...

Here are my favorites (see if you agree)

1) Own a cat (serious deal breaker...what dude owns a cat?)
2) Chews tobacco
3) has a dirty bathroom (all sorts of grossness there)
4) uses the word MOIST to describe....you know (the word moist makes me want to vomit in general)
5) mandals with socks (Drew is a huge offender!!! And I tease him mercilessly)
6) Bluetooth on 24/7
7) saying "tap that" maybe because I don't want to be compared to a keg...call me crazy
8) weird bro handshake
9) speedos (when you're not David Beckham or a professional swimmer)
10) fanny packs or man purses
11) excessive hair (nose, ears, back, bottom...please use clippers, wax or something)
12) obsession with video games/dungeons and dragons/ LARP (Live Action Role Playing--an acronym I didn't learn until yesterday)
13) lame sayings on t-shirts (ex. I'm not a gynecologist but I'll take a look)
14) saying booyah excessively
15) weird names for boobs (chesticles is by far one of the grossest)

Other winners:
highlights (ala Nick Lachey 98degrees days), wallet chains (hello 1992), weird chin hair (see Brad Pitt), mullets, Double Denim (see Canadian Tuxedo), Alabama Suitcases (traveling {not moving}with a taped up box or garbage bag)

What do you all think makes someone undateable??


On the flipside, there's the VH1 show What Chili Wants...a show about Chili (from TLC fame) and her search for the perfect man...she has a list of things she thinks make a man dateable

1) six pack
2) can’t drink or smoke
3) has to love god
4) has to be superfine
5) can’t eat pork
6) he has to be "packin'"
7) finer than Denzel
8) sense of humor
9) love kids, but not have “no more than two baby mamas” so he also can’t love kids too much

and a slew of others...and people recommended that she see a therapist because her standards are too high and that there's some internal reason she won't open up...

So I don't get it...

there's a list of 100 things that make someone undateable (which ps they mentioned a few things that made girls undateable...and they prefaced it with "well there are very few reasons we won't date you/sleep with you...like making them watch sex and the city haha)

but then someone who has their own list is seen as crazy...I think some of Chilli's standards are pretty high and maybe she's a little over demanding and crazy...she's like 40 so you'd think maybe a few of those things she'd be more forgiving on

I have a list...am I crazy? Don't people have lists of things they look for in a guy?

My list is:

--taller than me (I'm a tall girl, but I suppose with the right personality/chemistry I could negotiate this)
--as smart as or smarter than me (or just smart in a different way, ex. more technical)
--good conversation (like the kind that leads to inside jokes, etc)
--pushes the cart in stores (I like to roam free)
--washes the dishes/loads the dishwasher (I like cooking but I HATE dishes)
--is the big spoon in bed, but doesn't spoon all night (a-what guy likes being the little spoon and b--I get hot so I can cuddle all night)
--isn't a total slob
--knows when to let me have my way BUT will call me out when I'm being a brat (otherwise I take advantage of the scenario)
--is thoughtful
--willing to travel or try new things

I feel like this isn't so crazy or so demanding...can someone tell me if it is?

The Big Easy? Or the Big Sleazy?

So we're in New Orleans for the APA Conference and well things are really weird here...I think this city does something to people...and I really don't like it...I feel like Brian, Jenn and I are the only ones not wrapped up in drama or off in their own world or just being weird...Dave is not himself at all...its so bizarre...I really don't understand it. Like I thought we would have all this time to hang out and have fun and stuff and that is not the case...we all disappear all day and when we see each other its weird. I don't get it at all...maybe I'm being weird too...I think I might be a little bit too but idk...its all weird and uncomfortable and I really don't like it.
Chad has completely lost his damn mind...he got super blackout drunk and tipped over chairs and tables and went into the girls room and ripped off their blankets and threw bagels at them and was just an asshole...like I have no idea what to say...Jenn is calling me the bulletdodger...which might be true.
Kelly and Derek are off wherever and Brian is usually with them...they never actually invite me anywhere they just make plans and start to head out and then say oh Kim what are you doing....awesome thanks...not that I thought we'd all be friends after graduation but really? I mean I assumed B and I would stay close and I figured Derek Kelly and I would at least be cordial but idk anymore...I think I still might blame this town...I think there might be some bad juju here or something...

Winter Break Mike has been texting me...which is also weird...like asking how things are, telling me to have a safe trip and whatever....idk how I feel about that either

Today I went to lunch with Mark (he was many boys ago) and that was weird too...I went to open my own door and he asked me if I was trying to be a progressive woman...like WTF
Then he gives me the whole his marriage isn't happy deal...I am not a poacher and I am not going to be the random distraction because you married an airhead...like you can't get married just because you're the only one of your friends not married. He kissed me on the cheek a bit too long when he dropped me off...but I did not reciprocate and I didn't invite him back up...its all just bad news bears

I pretty much hate NOLA...that I'm pretty sure of...I really just want this over with and I want to go back home...

way too much weirdness for my liking

Tiger Woods I'm not...

So today went well...it was really cute actually

I met him at his place and we headed out for lunch....after the waitress takes our drink orders first question out of his mouth are "so are you still seeing that mystery guy?" and I was immediately confused...he reminded me of a night that I was telling Jenn the story of Chad telling me he loved me and I told Mr. X that it was a secret and I never told him it was Chad, so he only knows him as the mystery guy

So I say no, its done and he half smirks and then is like oh who ended it, you or him...and I tell him it was mutual and he's like oh ok and then sits there like he's thinking to himself and then was like oh im sorry about that...and I was like oh its ok it happens sometimes...and I change the subject...because really what is there to say?

So lunch went really well we talked about his family, my family, hobbies, etc

And then we went to the golf range and that was really ridiculous...I am awful at golf...I do hold the club like a baseball bat though lol...and he told me that I have a putt-putt swing..so that shows I am a mini-golf pro...so one large bucket of balls later...I have some kind of swing, I have a favorite club and I totally made it to the middle flag...so all in all not too bad....although it was touch and go for a bit...but he was really patient with me and kept encouraging me...it was really cute

Then we went downstairs to the chipping area and we putted around and he said that besides his mom I am the only person he knows that takes advantage of the dip in the putter and gets air on a put...clearly a skill worth having LOL...so we played HORSE golf style...and though I started off with the lead he totally beat me...

So we headed back to his place and I was going to leave and he invited me...took the tour and we chatted and I met his cat...and oddly enough didn't have an allergic reaction...well not too bad of one anyway...and we had a few moments where it seemed like something...but one of us back away or we changed subjects or something

I tried to leave a few times and he would keep showing me something or telling a story so that I "tried" to leave about 4 times...he told me what an amazing time he had and asked me when he would see me again...he asked if I was coming to class, I told him I wasn't sure...but I told him I would see him...and we made plans for drinks again this week...and dinner on Friday night....so I think it all went well

I just...I don't know...like I don't know why I'm not more ecstatic about it...things went well, he paid attention to me, he must have had a good time to plan going out again...it was good...so why am I not more excited? Am I just jaded from the past experiences? I found myself thinking that maybe he'll end up like all the other ones earlier today before our date....well I'm willing to try as long as he tries...so we'll see...

New Crush!!! Ahhhh I love springtime!!

So I have a new crush...this one came out of nowhere...and for the sake of my own crazy secrecy I am not using his name because some people (read Brian) who read my blog know him and I just want to get started before I say anything

I saw him in the lab the other day, asked how his break was, he asked about mine...we started talking about my new job and how its super crazy and we have a golf outing coming up so I said I should learn golf, he said he would teach me (I figured it was one of those fake offers, you know what I mean "of course I'd love to help" kind of deals)

So I talk about wanting to do something new and exciting this weekend because I spent all break working...so he says well how about I take you out on Saturday...we can go golfing if its nice...and if its not we'll go to the golf dome...so I say okay and how about dinner to thank you...and he says it sounds like a date (!!!)

So we keep talking and he says he'll bring me golf mags so I can read up...

Next day I see him and he's like I have something for you...and gives me a few mags and he has dogeared the pages to the best articles for perfecting my swing...and we talk about golfing for a bit and I say well I guess I better read up and walk away...however during class we keep stealing glances and it was super cute

So after class we're in the lab and I see him and wave and continue working....he comes over and puts his hand on my back to get my attention and after I turn around he keeps it there for a minute and I am like OMG! and he stares right into my eyes and is like I'll see you tomorrow right...and I say sure...and he says looking forward to it...the whole time locked eyes it was intense!

So I see him the next day and he's stealing glances and we lock eyes again and he just smiles at me and my stomach drops a bit...and I wonder why I didn't see it before...we'd been friends for months and then all of a sudden here we are....

Pretty excited about the new crush...

30 is the new 20?

When I was younger I used to think that thirty was this elusive, crazy, super grown up age—I remember watching friends and seeing Rachel stressing over turning 30, she thought it was the end…and when you’re 15 it seems so far away that it could be the end. I remember at 18 I wrote a list of things I wanted to do before 30…I thought I would be married, pregnant with my second child, published, travelled to Europe, learned to hula, had a great career, designed a clothing line and built my dream home (clearly I thought you could fit a lifetime into 12 years)…instead here I am a few years shy of 30 and I am:

• In grad school
• No boyfriend, or romantic relationship to speak of…actually I have a string of failed relationships or pseudo-relationships (so clearly no children)
• Never learned to hula, although I have a DVD that I have watched once
• Traveled around North America but never gone anywhere else because I am generally afraid of flying
• I am about to be published, and if you count school wide publications I already have been
• I’ve designed a dress…yet to be sewn

I mean overall it’s not awful but its definitely not where I thought I would be…I do have friends who love me, and school is almost over…and I do have my first “grown-up” job although I am beginning to have mixed feelings about all of that.

So all in all, I’m not sure what should go on my 30 before 30 list…there are some things I’d like to do but most of them do with growing up and are semi-contingent on finding someone and settling down…I used to think I’d want some super baller crazy life, but really all I want is someone I don’t have to explain every moment of my life to, I want us to have the sort of connection where they know when something is wrong, when I need to be held and when I need my space. I want a good apartment, no home before 30 because I want to pay some bills and have a chance to save…I want a cute little apartment, something that is my own little sanctuary. I want to pay off my bills and raise my credit score…my aunt has an 820 which is insane, the car dealer told her that she had the highest score , I’m not saying I want to be a credit score freak but I do want it to get better.

Bottomline, at this point I just want to be loved and I want to be looked up to, and I want to be comfortable…because those were the things I generally thought I was lacking growing up. I’ve worked long and hard…that’s all I want: a big blue sky above me, a man that loves me and a comfy pillow to rest my head on. While I don’t think that’s 30 before 30, that is what I want.

Saturday --Brian is not a jerkface :)

So I don't really have anything to write about in the boy-sense...no dates as of yet...but I felt like I should write about something...it may be me procrastinating on writing my final project...or because Brian isn't here to drive me insane yet...

Speaking of Brian we totally hung out last night and it was really awesome...I never see Brian anymore, it's the combination of no classes together, we both have real jobs and are spread way too thin to have hours of social time...but I miss him, even when he drives me crazy and I want to stab him in the eye with a fork. anyway...so we went out last night to Saigon Cafe and it was really fun, conversation-wise, the food was good, the atmosphere was interesting...it reminds me of this Chinese place Meagan and I went to in NYC...it was very tiny and in a basement location with low ceilings and cramped space, like they just added tables to fit the people even though if you had to get up to go to the bathroom you were SOL...Meggo if you remember the name of it you'll have to tell me, I can't remember for the life of me...well it was the same last night...they transformed the menu table into a seating for one for a man even though everyone who walked by could put their scarf in his Tom Yum...it was really good though otherwise..Brian and I talked about the trials and tribulations of our newfound grown up employment and how apparently asking for a salary increase spells doom for everyone, soooo weird. Apparently "professional" jobs are pretty finicky...I feel like these next few months are going to be an interesting ride.

After dinner we walked back to our car in the freezing sideways rain to meet Kordrupel at Pearl Street...he was with Amos and Mandy, who have a weird relationship...last night I found out they had dated at one point, but decided to be friends instead...but the weird part is Amos' BFF Patrick totally swooped in and said he was completely in love with her and they pseudo-dated and he said he was going to marry her...how awkward for Amos...I'm not sure that's the case anymore because she was talking about moving to Los Angeles and smoking pot(depending upon what I thought of her character...as the house Los Angeles expert...sigh)

Other job news...I am going to my second event in my new role: The Women's History Luncheon...it's too bad I am going with the Mean Girls...I'm not too sure how that is all going to go...they're super judge-y...like totally looked at my XOXO purse from T.J. Maxx with disdain as they displayed their Coach bags at our last meeting...so it should be good...my soon to be boss asked me if I needed someone to go shopping with, not in a let's be friends way but in a you look like Tai and clearly need soem outfit assistance from Cher and Dionne kind of way...we'll see how that all goes...

p.s. Just got highlights and lowlights...I'm pretty excited

Done and Done

So here's the reader's digest version of what's been going on lately...

Chad is away in Florida for spring break...something that bothers me to no end...
While he has been away we have chatted a total of one time...initiated by me...and he was lame about it...I asked him to dinner and he acted like he was going to be so busy

Then i see on Kexin's wall that he's hanging out with her when he gets back...

I don't get it...but I'm really done...I can't handle it anymore...for some reason it always sucks for me...it has to be the people I choose...bottom line as much as I hate to say it I'm heartbroken because I thought he was really different...but as always my ability to judge guys' character makes about as much sense as Helen Keller playing Marco Polo

So...here we are again...and this is a time when I really could use a date/boyfriend/friend

My promotion at work has given me a whole new role in the community, including attending a ton of social functions...black tie galas, golf outings, etc etc...so Tuona has decided to help me in this department....in exchange for helping her out with her project she is going to find me a suitable Mr. Right out of her pool of eligible friends...how can that go wrong? :/

I'm pretty sure hilarity will ensue...

It's my party and I'll cry if I want to...

So last night was my birthday party...the last birthday of my student career, the last birthday I can get completely ridiculous on and blame it on school, once you're out of school and you get super drunk people think you have a problem and I really don't want to go to Betty Ford ya know?

So the weekend started out with some potential...I had to go through a very painful family dinner, my mother has way too many mood swings and instead of just saying she can't/doesn't want to do something she huffs around and makes everyone uncomfortable...it's pretty bullshitty if you ask me...like she can't put on a phony face and smile for one day, like it's my birthday for cripe's sakes...and instead she's slamming drawers and cabinets in the kitchen instead of just going out to eat like I wanted

The next day was my party...80s theme so I ordered slap bracelets and shutter shades, bought nerds, fun dip, bubblicious and now and laters...grabbed some 80s movies to play in the background (I can totally relate to Molly Ringwald in 16 candles in this instance...except without the Jake Ryan love interest) and created an 80s itunes mix

So I get ready to leave my house to pick up Jenn because we're going to get ready together and decorate and just have fun...and she bails because she says she's nto feeling well...but this is 10 minutes before I leave to get her...she says she's going to rally and then come over....which never happens but I do get a text saying she owes me dinner next week...

So then I am alone at the loft prepping and watching Girls Just Want To Have Fun (SJP has some serious caterpillar eyebrows in the 80s yeesh)and Chad texts me to say the chances of him even showing up are looking pretty slim...I ask why and he says because he has homework and he hasn't done it (now mind you he went out Friday night to go curling with his buddies in Canada and apparently that was fine...like my birthday is one day a year...seriously? So he promises to try to stop for a drink or two...which also doesn't happen...I don't even get the "sorry text"
To make matters worse, everyone is asking where my new love interest is...I think it's the publicity that makes me feel so upset...

Drew doesn't show up either, although he sent me the text this morning saying he was a bad friend and he owed me dinner and fun on Allen. \

Cisco (aka 5 hour coffee guy) also doesn't show up...he sends the text this morning that he was so sick last night from whatever he had for dinner, but can he see me this week for coffee because he's in town until the 8th

So yes some people did show up, but it's like the people I really wanted to come did not...I had fun...kind of...a few of my friends KG, B, and Chris were really low key adn sat at the table and looked mopey. When I said something they were like we're really tired we shouldn't even be out...like WTF

Liz, Michelle and Lia were entertaining though...I missed them...since the whole Sara hates me and wants me dead kind of deal I haven't really seen them...however I will see Sara later this month at Michelle's bridal shower, which should be good (or awful...we'll see)

So all in all, this birthday has been pretty lame...I'm glad it's over

I dont carry things I dont hold doors I don't have independent thought...as if I assumed all men had good intentions...as if!

So being the only girl in a job sometimes seems fun...other times it is a damn pain in the ass...I get left in the office because they think I can't handle peeing in a porta-john...I do more paperwork than I think I should....and everyone feels the need to give me weird words of wisdom.

Today during a meeting...I was given these nuggets of wisdom

"Don't assume that just because one of the construction guys asks you for drinks after work that his intentions are good"

"You have the pick of the litter"

I don't even know what to say to these sorts of things...like I'm not sure if they think I'm some sort of wholesome mindless person or if they really think of women in the traditional role and its weird for them

Like they're all pretty old school, like they all hold doors for me, don't swear (or try not to), I don't carry heavy things...like its just weird...part of me likes the special attention until they think I am an a wilting violet...I'm a steel magnolia damnit!

In other news, Chad and I went out for dinner yesterday and it was super cute...the dinner was no big deal we just grabbed pizza but it was like the way he went about it...he brought up being hungry on our fieldtrip but then left it alone...we had a trip for class to the power vista...seriously weird and unrelated to class but whatever...he picked me up for the fieldtrip and I navigated...so afterwards we're driving back and we have no idea where we are going and he was like well whatever happens, we're in this together and it was his tone that made me think he meant more.

So on the way back we're talking and talking about everything and I end up telling him all this crazy stuff and I was like OMG I probably shouldn't have told you all that and he says that I'm safe with him, that he'll keep all of my secrets...and again it's his tone...so he picks a place for dinner (which I really like, I generally don't care where I grab food but I hate when people are indecisive about it) so we walk in and order and they ask separate or together and he says put it all on my card and I look and give the obligatory "really face" and he's like Don't worry I've got it...so I say are you sure...and he's like yes of course you can grab it next time if you want (which of course I really don't haha)

So while they call our order and he jumps up to grab it and brings both orders back...and I stare a my pizza and say i wish I had a fork and he's liek oh I'll grab you one...like idk it was cute...maybe it's nothing... maybe you think its no big deal...or maybe you think its lame we went to some pizza shop near school but I think its really cute...and we just talked and joked and he drove me back to school. We kind of had a moment before I got out of the car but I can't be sure...
He did offer to drive me to the front door of Hayes so i wouldn't have to walk in the snow which was super adorable

Idk what to say...I just have a really good time with him, its just really easy, like I don't have to freak out about things...I mean I do freak out sometimes but we're always okay in the end...I really hope it works

The old new post

So well here we are again….things were going really well with Chad and then all of a sudden nothing…Let’s catch you up…

Chad and I have been together like peas and carrots…and things were going really well, we were going out on the weekends I’ve met some of his friends, he’s met some of mine…then he told me he loved me…

All of a sudden things got weird…he wasn’t sitting with me in class, he was being evasive, suddenly couldn’t go out…and then it was weird dudes I hadn’t talked to in forever had started coming out of the woodwork…first there was Ira saying he was coming to my birthday and that he wanted to hang out…then Cisco and Dan said they were coming to my birthday party like after being MIA for months…then the ever confusing Doug shows up in the parking lot at school and wants to ride to Boston with me…then there was Tyler, Chad’s friend taking Chad’s seat in class and chatting it up with me and joking and being close and weird…it was very out of character. And this coupled with the Chad acting weird like I didn’t know what to do…but sit there and witness it all.

So we left with him being mopey and telling me he had no Valentine…so flash forward to this weekend…I’m celebrating Valentines with my fav girls: Meg, Mel and Aryn…so we talk it over and think I should ask Chad to be my valentine…so it goes down like this (via text):

Me: Will you be my valentine?

Chad: Ur outta town

Me: Well the responsibilities are limited, considering I’m 500 miles away but you can always buy me a present when I get back hahah

Chad: Not to mention I was number 4 on ur list. What am I last resort?

Me: You’re totally not the last resort! Facebook picked my valentines not me

Chad: Well I don’t believe it

Me: Well it’s true…try the app…besides who else would I ask?



So I don’t get it…who gets that upset over a will you be my valentine text message? Like seriously!? And who cares if you’re number four on a facebook app? Like I don’t get it…and he hasn’t responded to me all day..or really since about 12:30 last night…I don’t get it…I really really don’t get it…like did he want to be my Valentine ..if he did why didn’t he ask? Why’d he like flip out on me instead about being a last resort? And why did he think he was my last resort? Like I don’t get it….I’m just really really confused…I have no idea what to do…This is one time I’m really at a loss…

Wow...

So I have to tell you faithful bloggers a super hot mess of a story…so my friend we’ll call her KG…is totally in a crazy situation…

So basically she is talking to this slightly older man who is super hot and super rich (like public figure/owns sports teams but somehow lives in a small town) we’ll call him Daddy Warbucks

Well so KG and DW are in the beginning stages…like we all met at a bar one night through a mutual friend and KG was making jokes about Breakfast at Tiffanys…so like a week later he facebooks her and is all “Hey Holly GoLightly…it was really great to meet you last week” first off last names were never given so how did he find her? Facebook stalker maybe?

So she responds with a “oh hey…let me know next time you’re around” like super casual…so he friends her on facebook…and she begins planning for her new jetsetting life of black cards and box seats…

Meanwhile the friend (Rory) who introduced everyone….apparently she is like madly in love with him…and totally has been/was hooking up with him and they even lived together! Like WTF!! But she swears up and down that they were only friends until KG gets in the mix…then she’s facebook chatting me about how much she hates that she loves him and why does he string her along and pull her back in everytime she tries to walk away and she wants to murder him, like graphically wants to murder him…not in the “im so mad I could kill him way” but in the “I might take his bunny and boil it ala Glenn Close and then ruin his public career/private life” and I am frantically texting KG to let her know of this crazy predicament…and she is freaking out, especially when I bring up the Glenn Close analogy…

So KG and Rory bump into each other in the library at school and it was AWKWARD!!! Like KG tries to say hello and pretend that Rory isn’t completely crazy and it is totally not working…Rory gets super loud and freaks out and KG peaces out because well who can tango with a crazy woman?

Nothing has happened between Daddy Warbucks and KG other than some harmless facebooking…but KG also doesn’t care if Rory is a little crazy about the situation because she feels that Rory should have been honest about their pseudo-relationship and called dibs on him or something…

And I am in the middle of all of this….because I am friends with both of them….seriously out of control

But makes the work day fly by….

The Saga Continues

So I have an update at home that I will post later but these will seem really out of sync because the prior update explains more back story on this post…but when you work on 3 computers a day I guess you have to resign to the fact that you’ll leave something somewhere.

So continuing the saga…it appears that things with Chad and I are fine…he says he was only kidding although I find it hard to believe that he was kidding and I think it was more that he was drinking and got too honest and random and now to save face he falls back on the kidding line (I gave him the opening though by asking if he was kidding and I just misunderstood, although in my gut I know he was being honest)

However yesterday did not start out so great…he skipped our meeting with our Chair which really annoyed me and then when I walked into class he not only didn’t sit next to me but he sat on the opposite side of the room…it was really obvious and annoying and at that moment I decided I was going to be frosty and just ignore him because obviously he was being a big baby for nothing. So I was annoyed all class and texted Kelly regarding the situation and said I am really at a loss and she said something really smart (which she often does)…she said that it wasn’t a loss, it was only a lull….lulls suck let me tell you…I need to always win and always have the upper hand when it comes to things like this so clearly I was at a loss…
However, he went out of his way after class to force me to talk to him, and jump in our meeting and answer questions and give feedback when I said things that are pretty rhetorical but I guess he was making up for it. Then once there was news that a gunman might kill everyone in the library at school we started texting and chatting and joking like everything was normal…guess it takes a bit of craziness?

I have no idea…I wish I didn’t suck so much at understanding the male species.
So I talked to Kordrupel last night and told him my saga and he goes along with Drew and Rob who both say there was definitely some likeage going on and he just acted bizarrely. The general advice was also to pseudo apologize to him via facebook…because apparently its more blasé if I do it via facebook. So I sent him a message saying I was just being funny and I didn’t realize he would get upset…unless he was only kidding (see there’s that opening) and asked him if we’re cool. He wrote me back this morning and said hell yea we were cool and that he was only kidding and then asked if he would see me tonight (which he will)

So we’ll see what’s up with that

Trouble Trouble Trouble Trouble...Trouble been doggin' my soul since the day I was born...

So I have decided to purge all the boys I've ever liked/loved/pseudo-dated in an effort to purge my soul of bad juju and hopefully stop this incessant obsession with having a fairy tale ending...I'm going to discuss (in some cases for the first time) why they ended and hopefully end up with a mea culpa total

Age 10--Tony...totally crushed on him, we hung out in library, I wrote him a letter on my Lisa Frank stationery asking him to be my date to our 5th grade dance, ad he ran around the playground laughing and reading my letter to his friends

Age 11--Ricky...he only wanted to put his hands down my pants so I broke up with him...he called my house incessantly to call me a fat cow...clearly a gentleman

12--Eric---was madly in love with him, never told him, Aiesha did and I told him it wasn't true...he was still my pseudo-date to the 6th grade dance

13--Jason...totally liked him, he was one of the nicest boys I ever dated, he had horrible taste in jewelry, I broke up with him because I couldn't afford to buy him a birthday present...he had his friends point out the times I said Love ya 4E and how apparently I had no idea what 4E was, but I stood strong...plus I didn't have to wear that ugly necklace anymore...when I realized how dumb it was he said it was too late and dated my friend instead

14-15 Pete--he basically ruined my life...he was much more advanced with things and I was very very stupid

16--Richie...totally liked him but he was dating someone else

17--Jeremy--totally liked him, he loved me but I couldn't say it to him until it was too late...he cheated on me with some hooker face, she probably could say how she felt

18-21 Richie (again)--totally pined over him for years, he worked with my mom so I would go to the restaurant just to see him, eventually I worked there too, was totally lame and girly...like wrote him a letter and drove past his house, it was not my finest moment...he dated everyone around me except me and one day said he had no one left...I didn't go along with it...I quit my job there and never looked back

either 19 or 20--I forget his name....he was really nice, brought me flowers to work, said he would pay me to take the day off from work so we could spend it together, he was sooo sweet, never inappropriate but I was so obsessed with Richie I couldn't let it go...

20--Shane--he apparently liked me...one night I drove him home from a party and he said he didn't love me but he could love me...we made out in my car and after that I avoided him like the plague

21--Shawn--he seemed nice at first...then one day he thought he could talk to me however he wanted and he raised his hand at me...after my brother almost killed him it was pretty much over

22--Joe---one of my great loves, it actually started because I was semi-hooking up with his friend Andy and he knew Andy was bad news, one night when we were all hanging out I was saying good night to him and he asked me to stay with him...after that we were pretty inseparable...he understood me in a way that not many people have...he played songs for me on his guitar, was my wedding date and my road trip partner and he made my mom homemade pumpkin pie, he was really amazing...once he asked me if I liked him and I said no...he knew I was lying and asked why I couldn't just be honest with him, I was afraid to tell him...he was my best friend...I just didn't know how to make it work...he always wanted to know about the past I was hiding...I told him in an email once and he was okay with things...my whole inky past and he was fine with it, he went back home to Rochester for the summer and I dated one of his friends...he found out before i went to visit him...its not like we were really dating...well I didn't think so...he gave me a hair tie of mine he had been keeping and things were never the same

22/23--Johnny--friend of Joe...closest I felt to love I think, he was really a good guy, he even would take me shopping for fun because he wanted me to have new things or wanted me to have new stuff for vacation. He was really really great...his friend Russ just ruined things...well it was partially my fault but Russ felt he could intervene and call me a bitch and Johnny didn't intervene...things weren't the same

23--I forget his name too...we worked together hung out a bit and we made out a bit...he called out relationship nebulous and undefined...he was also secretly dating someone else and then assumed I would be okay with it...

23 Phil---he was totally the opposite of me...he was pierced and tattooed and philosophical but he really paid attention to me, he noticed things like when I used self-depreciating humor, how I looked when I watched movies, like these crazy minute details and he always wanted to be around me...we would hang out and he would show me crazy movies and pick on me in a good-humored way...he drove across the country with me when I moved back to California...one night during the trip he climbed into bed with me and just held me...we had developed this weird connection that I don't think I can ever describe...all I can say is that I felt so comfortable with him...we did new things that I would never do on my own...he stayed with me for a week in LA, we drove to San Diego for a music fest, it was amazing but everything I did with him was amazing...the day he left we didn't talk the entire car ride to LAX, we knew it wouldn't be the same without each other...he talked about coming back to LA for law school and taking me on a trip somewhere...We talked on the phone daily, I shared my stories of job hunting and getting lost on the freeway, he told me about work and how he was saving up for his trip to Spain, he was going to teach for a year...we got into a fight once, over me wanting to come back to Buffalo, he didn't think I tried hard enough, I was upset because I thought it meant he didn't care about me...I didn't call him for about a week and in that time my brother flew out and picked me up...Phil was mad at me for not being honest with him and just telling him I was coming back anyway...I distanced myself because I wanted to be away from him before he wanted to be away from me

24-Mike...he was my design professor, in his 30s, we had a quirky connection, we shared random trivia and he definitely had a soft spot for me...he was a giant nerd and well I love nerds...we bonded...I don't know if it was ever a love connection but I was definitely smitten with him..we went for coffee a few times and it was like marathon coffee chats...the first one was four hours long...we still keep in touch sometimes but he moved back to WV to become the director of an art department at another college

24-25 Tim--we were buddies and we got on well...we hung out a lot...he called me for our regular Thursday night dates...it was a lot of fun...he was a little nerdy and well I would do anything for him and he did quite a lot for me...there was a weird time when his friend Ben said I was calling him and asking him out but I think Tim kind of ignored it...someone said something to Tim about dating me once and he said he wasn't ready for a relationship...I could never say anything myself...until one day I wrote him a message on FB and told him I didn't know what to think about what we were doing but I knew that I couldn't do it anymore...he started dating someone about a week later

The time frame on the rest is a little fuzzy

there was...

Tony--he confessed he had been in love with me for 10 years...we tried but ti never clicked, he lacked the initiative, especially since he knew how I felt...he married the next girl he dated...I don't really think they are happy and not in a spiteful mean girl way I mean because they fundamentals of their relationship were not worked out before the wedding..like him hating the idea of kids and her poking wholes in condoms hoping for a "mistake"

Justin--eh he was nerdy, smarter than me..I liked it but once he thought I would sabotage his relationship (pseudo-relationship) with this girl he liked because he knew I liked him...I'm not that kind of girl..I'm not competitive like that...so we stopped even being friends for a bit...

"Doug"--totally a mindf*ck...he was wishy washy nice to me, mostly when I helped with his homework...he drunkenly kissed me one night and told me I was perfect and wonderful and smart and funny and when I reminded him of it sober he acted like I was crazy

"Sam"--I can't even explain this one...he just became someone I didn't recognize....oh and he totally fucked Trish...so done obviously

Winter Break Mike--he loved me but it wasn't real, it was instantaneous...it was also kind of nice though..but he was smothering at times...he wanted to hang on to me too tight and well I need my freedom...plus I thought he would take over my life eventually so I distanced myself...we tried again during the summer but he only wanted sex...apparently a few months apart and he had become bitter and jaded just that quickly...he wasn't the same...so I ducked out

Tommy--we met in Target, he was super sweet in the beginning, took me to Glen Falls and it was so romantic and sweet and then two dates later he was yelling at me and telling me to watch my mouth and was just verbally abusive and nasty to me...I avoided him and he would call me and send me nasty text messages...I was really afraid of him

Maikol---he was the one I thought was going to be different...he was so nice and so sweet and he would call just to say hi or see how I was doing and it was really great...well you probably know...he has been in quite a few blog posts...then one day he stood me up, and then he starting talking to Trish..and anyone who knows Trish knows there is never just "talking" when she's around...especially when she offers to meet him at midnight somewhere

Those are all the boys I have dated/pseudo dated in the past

Right now there are some guys I kind of like...

Mike--the new one...sometimes I think I like him and other times he just drives me insane...he does pay attention to my every thought, move, saying, and opinion though which I think is funny...he tries to analyze me and I think its only because I try to analyze him...he's socially awkward in a way that entertains me and sometimes annoys me...

Chad--he came out of nowhere (see previous blogs)...I don't know how to feel about him...I sometimes think he likes me...and other times I am not sure...he makes sure to sit by me in class and in the lab and remembers random things about my life..he's really sweet but also a little awkward which is amazing to me because he seems pretty confident most of the time...he makes a big deal out of being near me though...he's not my usual type..Meagan and Mel say that I should go after him just because he's hot...he has quite a few tattoos and just generally doesn't seem to care what people think for the most part...the jury is still out...

Cisco--he is a random choice...he's a few years older than me, from my high school, he goes to school in Michigan right now, law and planning, we have a lot in common and he really is interested in my life and says how proud he is of me...we have coffee together when he comes home, which usually lasts about 4 hours...but he never touches me and I don't get it...like he is hyper vigilant about not touching me...

You can't always get what you want...

So I feel really lame for writing this..like lamer than your normal super girly post….

They say find happiness in you and it will lead to finding the happiness you seek in others

Happiness comes from within

Happiness comes from experiences with others

U.S. People have spent $10 million dollars in self-help books. meetings, conferences, all for the desire of happiness

But what happens when you are happy with yourself and you are on top of your game…but you realize for one of the first times in your life that you actually have no one to share it with?

I am financially stable for the first time in months…maybe years…and by stable I don’t mean I have oodles and oodles of money, I mean I have some and I finally understand that things don’t make me happy…I’d prefer to feel secure than have that new handbag that I never will use

I am on top of my game as far as work and school go

I was awarded the President’s Scholarship for Spring 2010

I was contacted by Richard Florida’s camp to come and guest speak because of my paper on migration

Things are going really well for me….in all aspects of my life except for the romance department

I don’t get it…part of me wonders if you can only have so much good going on…like you may want one thing but you’ve reached your cap on happiness…is that possible?

Maybe not everyone can live happily ever after?

I say this for what I may later see as a silly reason…I have had dreams the past few months that dictate that I will find someone significant after a series of events….those events have all happened and yet here I am by myself…

I’ve tried to clean out the clutter in my house because they say nothing new can come into your life if there’s no room…

Feng Shui says that if you have room on both sides of your bed it means you are ready to share your life with someone…a bedroom makeover later…still nothing

Maybe I’m trying too hard…but part of me thinks that maybe that route just isn’t for me…which makes me really sad

More sad than it normally does…I mean I’m usually by myself and I have these pseudo-escapades with boys and then its over and I think about how glad I am to be rid of them…but what happens when you don’t want to be rid of them anymore?

I have gone on numerous dates lately…and tried to put myself out there more than before…and I am not getting the one thing I want: something reciprocal and meaningful

I just don’t get it…