30 is the new 20?

When I was younger I used to think that thirty was this elusive, crazy, super grown up age—I remember watching friends and seeing Rachel stressing over turning 30, she thought it was the end…and when you’re 15 it seems so far away that it could be the end. I remember at 18 I wrote a list of things I wanted to do before 30…I thought I would be married, pregnant with my second child, published, travelled to Europe, learned to hula, had a great career, designed a clothing line and built my dream home (clearly I thought you could fit a lifetime into 12 years)…instead here I am a few years shy of 30 and I am:

• In grad school
• No boyfriend, or romantic relationship to speak of…actually I have a string of failed relationships or pseudo-relationships (so clearly no children)
• Never learned to hula, although I have a DVD that I have watched once
• Traveled around North America but never gone anywhere else because I am generally afraid of flying
• I am about to be published, and if you count school wide publications I already have been
• I’ve designed a dress…yet to be sewn

I mean overall it’s not awful but its definitely not where I thought I would be…I do have friends who love me, and school is almost over…and I do have my first “grown-up” job although I am beginning to have mixed feelings about all of that.

So all in all, I’m not sure what should go on my 30 before 30 list…there are some things I’d like to do but most of them do with growing up and are semi-contingent on finding someone and settling down…I used to think I’d want some super baller crazy life, but really all I want is someone I don’t have to explain every moment of my life to, I want us to have the sort of connection where they know when something is wrong, when I need to be held and when I need my space. I want a good apartment, no home before 30 because I want to pay some bills and have a chance to save…I want a cute little apartment, something that is my own little sanctuary. I want to pay off my bills and raise my credit score…my aunt has an 820 which is insane, the car dealer told her that she had the highest score , I’m not saying I want to be a credit score freak but I do want it to get better.

Bottomline, at this point I just want to be loved and I want to be looked up to, and I want to be comfortable…because those were the things I generally thought I was lacking growing up. I’ve worked long and hard…that’s all I want: a big blue sky above me, a man that loves me and a comfy pillow to rest my head on. While I don’t think that’s 30 before 30, that is what I want.