A Little Creative Writing...

Once I wished for someone who would love apple pancakes and wish on stars…


She wondered why she had wished for things like that…she wondered if the gods heard her or if it was simply the foolishness of a little pigtailed girl on her parent’s floral comforter staring out at the sky. It all seemed so elusive, why things in her professional life went so well…she was nearly published, the leader in every task or idea she had ever undertaken…except for one area….romance escaped her.

Her dearest friend Madeline once said she was a good first or second date girl….and that’s exactly who she was…for one reason or another she never got to that third date…there were a few she dated past that two date marker…but they never lasted even six months…

Once on a date with one particular guy she was head over heels for, Doug asked her if she had ever been in love…she responded no in less than a heartbeat…how could she have been in love? You could be in puppy love or lust but not real love in all of her situations. Most often she loved those who didn’t love her…but that didn’t mean she was in love…it just meant that she was foolish, pining over boys who would never feel the same about her, to her it was safe to love that way…safer than going out on a limb, saying how she felt, those times were awful.

Whenever she told guys how she felt whether it was in person, via email or a phone call, they never chose her, she was always the friend never the girlfriend…she didn’t understand…if she was so great to be around, so wonderful, so smart, so pretty… why didn’t they ever choose her?

Sometimes they chose her but never the ones she wanted…the ones who would come to hit her or say unkind words, those are the ones who picked her, those who were weak of character, somehow they always thought that she would in turn be weak and kowtow to them. But it was never the case, she might take it for a minute, satisfy some part of her and then be done with the whole affair. Sometimes she enlisted a friend, most often her brother to ensure they wouldn’t come back around. Sometimes those who were just weak of character needed some help moving on. Sometimes all it took was a frosty glare, a few icy words and cold shoulders and they would leave, it was her favorite method. Sometimes she even regretted it…but she always had to win.
She couldn’t let them think that they hurt her, even when she spent days crying herself to sleep. On the outside she needed to be the brave one, the strong one, the independent one. Showing emotion was a weakness to her. She cringed at the idea of someone seeing her cry; it made her feel all too vulnerable. Even when she spoke of the horrors of her childhood and the trauma of her adolescence she always sprinkled in a few jokes or some sarcasm because that was her shield. Twice she had broken down in front of men, telling her story but they never stuck around. They said they could handle everything she came with and everything she had been through but some things were better left unsaid…her life was one of them. No one could ever handle it, so she just stopped trying.

She started to tell herself that being professionally successful was enough, that being well liked by colleagues and friends and respected was enough, but she was wrong. What did it matter if you had everything in the world but no one to share it with? Sure she did all of these amazing things but who was standing by her proud? No one…and that hurt more than she could ever say out loud. She wanted someone but didn’t know who…who would support her as she would support him? Who would be there to console her when she failed, which was inevitable, she was indomitable but she was far from perfect. She wanted that…even though they’d inevitably disagree, and he would see her cry….she wanted it more than she could say. She just hoped that keeping the wish on the inside wouldn't prevent it from coming to fruition

Feeling Pensive <3

So as we embark upon Christmas, I can’t help but reflect upon the past year…things have been pretty crazy…if there was ever any year that has completely changed me, it would be this one. When I was in the midst of this year I wasn’t sure if all of the changes are the best thing ever or the worst…the boys I have crushed on and have sometimes crushed me have been pretty extreme…from Tommy who really just wanted me to be his f-buddy and whom I thought was going to Chris Brown me at any moment to Chad who slept with me but didn’t sleep with me… then there were the crushing non-romantically related blows…from Renee’s death to losing my job to being on academic probation to being on top of my game, becoming my department’s president, presenting at two conferences and being internationally known for my research…this has been quite a whirlwind…but I think I have learned some things…

Like how academically I can do just about anything if I really try…and that while everyone thought I was being flighty when I went back to school…it ended up being a really good move and I’ve never learned so much about the way things (and people) work

That just because a guy likes you doesn’t mean you should like them…if it seems too “honeymoon” period, and he seems to like you sooo hardcore, sooo quickly…it could be a “gaslamp” syndrome

That listening to that little voice inside whether you call it intuition or whatever…can sometimes be the best thing for you

Sometimes the things that seem the worst turn out to be better for you than you realize…like if I didn’t lose my job it could have been me murdered by those crazy boys…not that I think Renee deserved it at all but part of me…and I don’t know if this is selfish or not, but I am so glad I got laid off before they decided to kill her and jack the company van.

And that being unemployed and crazy strapped for cash has been enlightening…it has made me more resourceful and also made me realize what is really important…it also highlighted my shopping problem as I found over 40 things that still had tags on them or were never opened but at the time I thought I NEEDED them…all I really needed was my friends and family…I gave all those unopened items and excess clothing to the local City Mission…people could totally use them more than I can…who wants to spend Christmas with nothing right? Maybe someone will like all the scarves I gave away…

Maybe this sounds hokey…but I think I get now that I had to go through some crazy awful stuff because there are some pretty awesome things in the works…things are on the up…it’s like seeing the light at the end of the tunnel…I’m pretty sure that things are going to be coming up roses in about a month…

And as for the boy update…basically I just need to realize that anytime I say definitely I am usually wrong…

Like when I said I definitely didn’t like Maikol anymore…I was wrong…I am just so confused with everything…I think because I want to move into a new phase in my life, one that includes a steady boyfriend I just get mad when things don’t work out the way I want them to…but that’s my issue right? The other day he told me he liked me and apologized for being lame lately…I don’t know how to feel about it all…I like him I honestly do…but how do I know who is the right person?

The bottomline is I don’t know who to choose and I don’t know who would be better…all I know is what I want in a guy/relationship…

Being taller than me…I know that sounds ridiculous but when a lot of boys are same height or a little shorter you value height…for you girls who are 5’3 you have no idea

Being able to appreciate what I do…it may not make the most sense all the time, but it should be appreciated…it’s not just doodling

Being able to feel really comfortable and being able to talk about things without ever feeling foolish

For things to not always be sexual…that was the problem with winter break mike…all he wanted was to sleep with me…we could never even watch a movie without him trying to attack me…and while at times it was fun, sometimes I just wanted to be cute and hang out

To be both romantic and open with his affection, I don’t mean PDA specifically but never to with hold his affection because he is made at me, someone who is passionate and compassionate

For him to be smarter than me in certain aspects…so that our intelligences are complimentary, like I’m art he’s science or something like that

For him to be gentlemanly…like knows to hold doors, walk on the outside of the street, or take the lead on things, so I don’t have to…not to the point where I am a second class citizen who doesn’t have her own thoughts but enough to know that I am precious and should be treated as such

For him to not only be smart but to have ambition…because you can be a genius but if you have no direction well…….there’s nothing worse than wasted talent
To be open to try new things…like taking a road trip across the country to celebrate a milestone, or ballroom dancing or crazy modern art museums, traveling

Who knows I need my alone time sometimes and that I like to hang out with just my friends sometimes…that we don’t need to be attached at the hip 24/7…although in the beginning it usually is that way…

This is just a working list…sometimes it changes…and obviously I have to bring some things to the table….I just thought I’d make a list…this is the 3rd time I have made a list…someone once told me that once you make a list God will know just what to bring you…maybe third time is a charm?

Merry Christmas Everyone!!

Breathless

I don’t know why I didn’t see it before…why I apparently couldn’t see the forest for the trees

So ok here’s the update…I definitely don’t like Maikol anymore…I think I was hanging onto it for so long because I just needed someone to crush on and because he was relatively available…I think we’re better as friends…there just was never that spark that I wanted…we got along well but there just wasn’t that WOW factor…and there were times that he seriously seemed shady…I recently heard this phrase that rejection is God’s protection….while there was no real rejection…its there really…I’m not sure how this fits yet but I am sure that it will…there have been plenty of times that I realized I have dodged a bullet because the guy is not who I wanted, or who I thought he was…and I am really confident that this will turn out the same way…even if I am not certain how yet…

Plus there’s the whole Chad situation to deal with…this is the forest/tree reference

It’s like he was there all along and I never realized because I was so fixated on everything and everyone else…

So I suppose I should explain…

So Friday night was the Jingle Jangle which is the grad student holiday party…but first the evening started at the work party…Chad came and we chatted and took some pics together (if we’re facebook friends you can check them out) flirted a bit and then went to the next party…hung out there for a bit, grabbed dinner and then headed out to jingle jangle

Now the remainder of the night is a bit fuzzy and a bit disjointed because well I apparently got blackout drunk…oops

So apparently in the beginning I was excited/coy and then I was completely unlike myself I was open and flirty…but with only one person! Like wtf I am never flirty with just one person and there are like a bazillion photos of us either in forefront or background being cute together…and apparently really drunk
Throughout the night he called me sweetheart or “his girl” especially when Mike came around and was being a jerk...and he told me I was smart and funny and he’d miss me when I left and he said I had nice boobs haha…and he kissed me twice <3

So we go to a few more bars…he paid for our taxi which was lovely…he let me sleep on him…and held my arm close to his on the walk to Brian’s…I changed into my pajamas and climbed onto the couch with him and we slept face to face with our legs in a tangle and his arm around me…seriously had a lovely sleep…at one point during the night I opened my eyes and he was watching me sleep, or we just happened to have our eyes open at the same time, I closed mine quickly and and nuzzled into the crook that his arm and chest made and went back to sleep.

The best/most confusing part of the night is that he didn’t try anything!! Like I didn’t feel molested at all…actually it was nice…but part of me wonders why he didn’t try anything…idk maybe I have never slept with someone of decent quality
The next morning which I thought was going to be awkward and frantic texted Meg about…was fine…he joked and smiled at me…and we walked to our cars and went for breakfast…it wasn’t weird at all

So we parted…I passed out…stayed in that night and got ready for cookie day on Sunday

I was nervous about him coming…he didn’t end up coming which is okay because it was kind of lame…but he did text and we chatted for a bit

So Monday I was in the big lab…and he walked in, I think my heart kind of did a stutter step as he burst into this giant smile and came over…still no awkwardness…just a quick chat while he looked for a free computer

That night he hit me up on facebook chat and I talked to him for like 2 hours, while freaking out about the situation on the phone with Mel…apparently when things are going well I don’t know how to react…and there’s the whole he made his facebook default a picture of us that he cropped out of the group shot…when I saw it I almost died..like what? I mean people can see that like shouldn’t he say something to me before broadcasting whatever it is that we’re doing on facebook default photos?

Which brings us to today…we came into school at about the same time…as soon as he saw me he started waving and smiling…that genuine crinkle at your eye smile…and we met up in the lab…joked a bit and then I went off to chat with Susannah…I ran down the hall and when I came back he was at a computer closer to mine (I realize in writing this that in another situation this might sound aggressive or stalker-ish but I think when it’s the attention you want, its ok)

So he’s headed down the hall and I’m headed to studio so we walk out at the same time…talk about his exam and school and I realize that he didn’t take off and follow Kailee to her studio he’s walking with me instead and walks me to class…seriously the cutest thing ever

So the whole forest/trees refernce...well its because he's always been around but just kind of quiet...like he's supportive and sweet but never overtly flirty with me...and then all of a sudden I realize it...

That’s the Chad update so far this week…maybe there will be more later this week…well that’s what I am hoping anyway

In a turn of events...

Haven’t heard from Maikol since he blew me off on Sunday…still bothered by it but a little less everyday…I texted him the other day to say hey and see what’s up…still not response like 4 days later….so I guess its whatever…I don’t like being ignored

So in an interesting turn of events…

I am at the APA mixer and Chad is there…now let’s explain Chad…we met during grad orientation, got pretty drunk, hung out, made friends, you know whatever

Since then we’ve been pseudo close…like chatting, sometimes he facebook chats me about randomness which I think is kind of weird but its whatev…like maybe that’s how he makes friends…which is cool…plus he’s super nice to me…like asks about my trip to San Fran (which who knew he paid attention to me really)…he always tells me how smart, funny…etc I am…which is nice of course…we have random chats…you know nothing crazy…

Here’s the highlights:

So tonight we’re at the mixer..and he is like my personal escort…like very friendly and jokey and sweet…we start talking about how no one wants to run for my office to which he replies “well I don’t think it would be the same if you’re gone” so I stare blankly and he’s all “well you’re so motivated and fun and you care about people” so I just laugh and say I can’t stay forever

So fast forward 10 minutes and we’re talking about the Jingle Jangle Jam next week (it’s our grad holiday party)…and we’re talking about what to wear…so I tell him I don’t know I am trying to decide between two outfits so he asks what they are….1) a corset and jacket with dress pants type outfit OR 2) pewter dress with a sweater with little jewel things on them…so I ask him his opinion and he says “whichever is more revealing”…(to which I did an internal WTF…is it just me or was that slightly flirty/inappropriate?)

So then we’re talking with some other people again about the Jingle Jangle…and Mike talks about how its open bar and what level of intoxication we’re going to be at…so Chad looks at me and says oh we’ll be at a high level of intoxication and smiles at me….(ummm what?)

So then we’re talking about a plan for how we’re going to be highly intoxicated and still get around…so I tell him Brian’s plan for us to take the train and then just get crazy drunk…and then stay at Brian’s house if necessary

So I’m an ass (I mean duh if you know me you know what I mean)…so I say he can stay over at Brian’s with me and Mike and we can all spoon together…to which he gives me “the face” and is like I can’t think of anything better….(WTF? )

He and Mike actually both bring up my corset as to what kind of a corset it might be…if it was a dominatrix type outfit…or what…for the record it’s classy, its champagne colored with black lace overlay…and paired with my black sateen jacket it would be super cute and a little revealing

So we’re talking in a large group and they’re all busting me for texting so much…and it’s really annoying actually because they act like my texting is a character flaw…so I look around and Chad is just standing there…so I say I’m going to talk to Chad and ignore you guys because he’s never mean to me…and he says “and I never would be Kim” and gives me a little smile and wink(which was kind of sweet, I normally think winks are a little creepy but this was kind of endearing)

So then we’re talking about working in the lab all weekend to which I say well Chad and I are always together in the lab we’re going to try to be BFFs and he’s all “I think we are already, aren’t we?” So I say of course

So ok…weird…like this is out of nowhere…he never makes comments like this to me and now all of a sudden multiple awkward/semi-flirty comments

I mean I could like him, he’s super cute…taller than me (a HUGE plus)…he’s blond which is new for me, but it’s a darker blond so it’s ok…he has a few tattoos which I think are kinda hot…I’ve seen two or three of them I think…he’s really smart and he’s really nice…this is sudden though…or at least out of the blue…I mean we’re always cool but he never makes pseudo-sexual comments to me

I also need to process this because sometimes I worry that I crush on someone new when things aren’t working out with my current crush and not because feelings are there…so I will have to take it slow and see what’s up…

:(

What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you?

I'm falling to pieces...

When a heart breaks no it don't break even

I've got a case of the mean reds

I am in an awful awful mood…and I don’t know what to do

I’m antsy

I’m grumpy

I need a change…I need something to change…

I want to run away but I don’t think that will fix anything

I’m mad at Maikol…I was finally going to tell him how I felt, let him know that all of this courting/pseudo-dating actually meant something to me….that the fact that he pretends to be amazed by things my mom says and he tries to relate to my brother and brings chocolates for Thanksgiving

It meant something…it means something…I like him, like really really like him…more than I have liked anyone in a long time…and I don’t think he really realizes it
And he decides at the last moment that we aren’t hanging out today that he’s busy with schoolwork…which is understandable I guess…but I wanted to see him…I am so mad at him because Sundays are always our days…we go to movies and we get lunch and we try to practice my Spanish and his English…and he didn’t even say anything until I texted him and then he just told me he was in Ketter all night and still wasn’t done and that we can hang out next week…well I don’t want to hang out next week…I had been prepping myself all day, giving myself confidence boosting pep talks about how well my confession of like is going to go…and then this happens..I want to hang out this week, I want to go and see the Blindside and laugh about funny stories over Chinese and then bam I was going to drop the bomb…let’s date let’s make this real…I know it seems like I flirt with everyone but I only like him…

It’s going to take me a long time to build my momentum back up…I even picked out a cute outfit and I dyed my hair brown again and had it in cute pigtails and I even learned to say “do you like me” in Spanish

I’m mad and I know I only sort of have a reason to do so…but I responded back to him and was cute and he said nothing…maybe he’s still mad about Thursday at Ricardo’s…I really didn’t think it was such a big deal…maybe it is…



NOTE: Me flirting with everyone is a problem…its how I’ve gotten through life…it’s how guys respond to me…I flirt a little and they do what I want and its all good…they’re happy, I’m happy and things get done…but I get it…when he is sitting right there its not funny and its not cool and it hurts his feelings even if he won’t say so and will only be passive aggressive and semi-not talk to me on the ride home…I’ll work on it…but he also needs to know that all of my friends are guys…I can’t help that…and he has to adjust to it…but I’ll cut back on the flirting just a bit..especially when he’s around

Turkey for you, Turkey for me

So yesterday was thanksgiving….and Maikol met my entire family…which ok is only my mom and my brother but you know what I mean…this is a big deal for me…I can’t even say we’re dating yet…which I think we are…he hasn’t really said yet

I should also mention I ran the Turkey Trot in Buffalo...it was an 8K…that’s just under 5 miles…4.97 to be exact…I kind of wanted to die at some points…1/2 is uphill, ½ downhill…guess which one I hated? But finished it and I was pretty proud…and stinky…but accomplished

So fast forward to later…

So Maikol calls me to wish me a Happy Thanksgiving before he comes over…which is funny and cute and slightly unnecessary because he is going to see me in about an hour. He also tells me he is slightly panicking because he wants to bring my mom something which I think is super cute.

So he comes over and looks really cute and smells really good…and he brought a box of Ghirardelli chocolates for my mom and he makes small talk with her and she is crazy as always…I mean I love my mom, but as much as I love her there are times I would like to stab her with a fork ala baked potato fashion…but she was on pretty good behavior…she only made one off-color comment about Los Angeles and how people stare at you funny if you speak English…I just stared at her open mouthed but Maikol kept going without skipping a beat…he was a bit quiet at times which he told me was because he had a hard time following our English because we speak so quickly and use slang, I told him that’s how I feel when he and his friends speak Spanish around me.

So dinner was pretty successful…the only time he really seemed nervous is when we were hanging out in the living room and I was showing him my San Fran pics on FB and he was brushing my thigh with his knee and my brother came and sat down and started talking to us…I don’t know if my brother knew what he was doing and was just really slick about it…but Maikol swung his legs around so quickly it was really hysterical
So after dinner we went to Ricardo’s for enchiladas and some random hanging out…Maikol drove me which I thought was funny because he lives so close to Ricardo…but he said we should carpool…and he opened my door for me and waited until I got in and closed the door…it was cute…he also asked me how he was driving…apparently I must have made a comment before and he said that since I said something he has been cognizant of how he drives when I am in the car.

So at Ricardo’s…I am the only girl…as per usual…and Maikol seems acutely aware of it…I sit down next to Karhim and Maikol stands right behind us…watching to see if we are flirting or something (which would never happen)…I have no idea but he sticks close…Karhim and I are joking around at one point and Maikol is watching but pretending not to watch…I don’t get it…he should just say hey instead of pseudo-dating let’s just be boyfriend/girlfriend….it would make things so much easier but I am not sure what to think…Maikol counters by telling the boys he was at my house for dinner and met my family…Aragon showed up as well and he is talking about how he has been asking Ricardo about me and how he thinks I am so great and Maikol looks like he wants to die...or kill Aragon…I’m not quite sure

We started playing black jack for drinks and Maikol actually tells me that he thinks I have had enough…which of course I ignore because ummm duh I’m not driving and I kind of do what I want…so instead after a bit he is like well we should get going after one more hand because he has to get to bed early (its like 11:30) so I say fine and as we’re driving back he brings up Karhim and how he is moving back to Hong Kong…when I say I know he seems to calm down a bit…

Maybe I am too flirty with people and I don’t even realize…I think I am just friendly…I can’t help how it comes across…when I told my mom this today she told me I need to learn to dial it back and not make Maikol feel so insecure…I say Maikol hasn’t made his intentions known so whatevs...

Anyway, we get back to my place and he sits in the driveway for a minute and I just look at him…we talk about plans and what we’re doing this weekend…We’re going to have our usual Spanish/English class on Sunday and he adds that we can go see the movie I want, The Blindside (which we talked about at Ricardo’s but he didn’t seem to want anyone else to go, especially when Ricardo expressed interest)…I have to initiate the hug and he didn’t kiss me…apparently still a little mad…

Maybe I am being ridiculous...or maybe I am too flirty...who knows?…but Maikol should just say something…then we could stop this and he would know how I feel so it wouldn’t be this pseudo-dating guessing game

Ding Ding Ding went the trolley

So it has been quite sometime since I posted but things have been really crazy lately…life sometimes feels like it is going too fast for me to process, let alone blog about…if you have been on the edge of your seat in regards to my life(haha) I apologize

So my presentation in San Francisco went really well…I got a round of applause which no one else in my timeslot had gotten so that was pretty cool…one man told me he didn’t believe in my topic, didn’t believe in the creative class and doesn’t believe that the economy is any different than 40 years ago…I wanted to ask him if he was going to work at the factory later…but I decided not to open that can of worms

I had a great time in San Francisco, Aiesha coming up from San Jose to hang out with me was fantastic I don’t think I would have had as good of a time…we went all over…Berkeley and saw how crazy things are with the UC boycott and how “earthy” the area is….however their fro-yo is delicious…wandered around San Fran, took lots of pictures depicting how bizarre the city is…all in all a great time…and we caught up on a lot of things

Maikol called me while I was in San Francisco to give me a pep talk and check in which was super cute…his words of advice were to breathe and stay calm…which is completely fitting for me…if he would have said have a drink before you present he would have been 3 for 3…because I totally went to the liquor store and got one of those airport sized liquor bottles and hid in the ladies bathroom and downed some Absolut. If I would have had some Xanax things would have been perfect…I got a bit flustered and fumbled a bit but all in all a pretty solid showing. I did get a woman’s card who told me if I was interested in a PhD program at Urbana I should shoot her an e-mail. Another man from San Diego State gave me some pointers told me how much he enjoyed my presentation and gave me some people to talk to…which was good

So now…should I get my PhD or what??

A brief update...

I have so much to update that the idea of updating is overwhelming...my life has been a whirlwind as of late...


Highlights

--Went away to Petersburgh to see the Norlunds...Rev. J. Mark announced to the church that I was like his fourth child...that made me pretty excited/warm and fuzzy...very exciting to have sleep over girly times with meagan and mel...I missed those girls

---Mel came back to Buffalo with me for the week and while things have changed in the past year that she's been gone, things are still fantastic...I know she thinks that she isn't as necessary anymore and that people have gotten on with their lives but I missed her for the whole year, we might have continued living but it was still weird

--Maikol added me into his top 5 on his cell phone, which he showed me one day at lunch and said it was so that he can call me anytime forever...kind of cute right?

--Mike has been awkward and bizarre for the greater majority of the week...he was a bit better by Thursday and came out with us to Duff's

--Maikol and I were joking around the other day and he asked me if I like him...I had no response of course...I seriously just looked like what and blanked...I couldnt tell if I should give an answer...its difficult to explain the situation

--Ricardo told me the other night that he thinks I have the nicest breasts he has ever seen...I don't know how to respond to that either

--Maikol came over to my place for dinner this week...it was nice we had a big group dinner and he looked at baby pictures that my mom insists on displaying...he made fun of my nudity (as a baby kids...it wasn't that kind of show)

--Maikol told me that he thinks I should work in Buffalo until he gets his PhD and then we'll move to California together...umm that's four years away

--We're also going to NYC over winter break before his Mom comes to visit...this is taking a very semi-permanent direction

School is taking over my life...like I have 0 free time...it sucks...everything is due at one time...and my response to being overwhelmed is to avoid work until the very end...clearly a smart strategy...San Francisco is only 3 days away...then I am presenting my work on measuring attractive urban areas...I might throw up

Tomorrow I am getting my first Spanish lesson from maikol...susannah says its code like "spanish lesson"...we'll see...

Love is a gamble...either take a chance and roll the dice or walk away from the table...

But how do you know which table to play at?

I am currently (as if not always) confused on who I should really be with…dramatic I know but I feel like I should make a choice

So let’s go Rory Gilmore style and make a pro/con list…

Maikol
Pro
Getting his PhD in engineering (values education/ can mean a good job)
Wants me to meet his mom (is this a pro?)
Is helping me learn Spanish
I feel like there used to be a lot more pro's
Con
Was dating someone else and didn’t tell me until it was over
Doesn’t call to see how I am
Speaks Spanish around me and doesn’t translate anymore
Acts possessive about me talking to guys but ignores things when he is talking to girls (like when he brought that girl to the movies…was that double dating?)
Doesn’t do things I want to do (like pumpkin picking), only things he picks and then I get to pseudo pick an option

Mike
Pro
Masters degree (also values education)
Notices all of my quirks (even when he runs commentary on them)
Diffuses my sarcasm pretty quickly
Remembers lots of random facts about me
Hates scary movies
Can talk about anything for hours (and have)
Mirrors my body language (psychologically a sign of trust)
Con
Younger than me
Keeps me separate from his home friends (although I have met one of them)
Calorie Counting

OK I’ve come to realize this may not be the best system…I also realize my list focuses on what they do for me…which is that a good way to go?
Like am I being dramatic? I mean when I am with Maikol we have fun but I just don’t know lately…like am I just liking Mike because he pays more attention to me?
Someone told me to choose based on the greater good…how do you know which choice is for the greater good?

What even constitutes the greater good?

Eww I miss funny posts….this is all very annoying but its what I’m thinking about…

A Swine Flu Update

So I am stuck at home with the potential swine flu…I hate it…I am cold and achey and yesterday I couldn’t breathe, like really they tested my oxygen levels because I might have been dying couldn’t breathe…and they decided to remedy the situation by making me wear a mask

Now with some Sudafed, Nyquil and Flonase I am on the fast track to breathing normally…now I just need the chills to go away

So Sunday I didn’t hear from Maikol most of the day then he texted me to say we were going to a movie later that evening (yep say not ask) so I told him I would check my schedule and see if I could do it (please I don’t come running to his every beck and call…well maybe but I can’t let him think that…plus I was still annoyed with him from the night before)

So I end up going (as if this surprised anyone) and when I walk in he smiles at me and I kind of look away and he walks towards me and I don’t attempt to hug or kiss him…I don’t get what’s up with me…I kept thinking maybe this is how I will make my decision on everything, by seeing him tonight and instead I’m acting like this is the first time I’ve met him. And the conversation is awkward…like we’re never awkward and I can’t tell if it’s him or me…it seems like its him but I don’t know why

Jose shows up gives me a hug and kisses me on the cheek and Maikol is watching intently….and things become semi-normal and we talk about the night before and Maikol mentions that Jose didn’t get home until 7am and wasn’t I with him, and asks what time I got home, I said 5am and he seems relieved…I am not sure what he’s thinking…like did he think I tried to hook up with Jose? And if he was so concerned why didn’t he drive me back? Why did he disappear? WTF is his deal?

He also asked about me meeting up with Tim and Justin and I get the distinct feeling that he was jealous and semi-mad at me…like he doesn’t like my guy friends…not that I approve of some of his girl friends…like I know he went with Ana to a thing at El Buen Amigo earlier in the afternoon but what can I say about it? I mean maybe he just wants to connect with people who have similar interests but it bothers me nonetheless

So we go into the movie (Paranormal Activity) and its awful…like such a bad idea for me to see considering I am home alone so often…so he’s definitely in my personal space like arm taking over my arm rest and brushing against me/resting in the crook of my side…same with his leg…like if there wasn’t an arm rest between us we’d probably be semi-intertwined…so the movie is not to scary in the beginning but by the end the fear of the unknown is out of control

Jose fell asleep during it…which makes me think he didn’t get home at 7 and sleep all day like he said...

So we leave the theatre and stand in the lobby talking for a bit more, Maikol seems to be acting normal again and he definitely is standing in between me and Jose which I think is interesting…we talk about my paper I’m presenting in San Fran in a few weeks and Jose was all oh wow I didn’t know about that and Maikol is all well I thought it was interesting, you told me about it awhile ago…and I can’t help but to catch a weird vibe…

So we walk into the parking lot and Jose points out his car and gives me a kiss on the cheek and hug again and goes to walk away to which Maikol responds to pulling me in and giving me a kiss and I pull away and say hey we’re parked near each other so we’re going the same way…and he says oh that’s ok I just wanted to
And we stop at his car and he continues to talk to me about Jose and keeps touching me while talking…like its definitely a different Maikol than normal

He says he will see me soon and I hop into my car and we leave

Halloween part 2

So last night was Halloween and I celebrated it with a few friends and a few hundred strangers…I got all gussied up as a cowgirl which was a hit, mostly because my tied up shirt accentuated my chest (insert evil laugh) and my drawn on freckles and pigtails kept it semi-wholesome…Trish summed it up as sexy-alluring cuteness which I think is a decent description. Maybe I should have toned it down a bit because it led to quite an awkward moment for me…

The night started out pretty wholesome…hanging out at Stillwater with the bro-ham and his gf (who appropriately came dressed as a gold digger) and Chris, Eric and a surprising cameo from fellow classmate and all around elusive guy David (seriously can’t figure him out, he says he just wanted to come and see another side of us). So we had some drinks and danced…mostly the guys just held up the wall. New Mike texted me wishing me a Happy Halloween, which was really sweet…

Maikol and his crew were late as always…I am pretty sure that the more Latinos you add to a group the later they are…it’s definitely the case with this group…the entire crew of enginerds came as a prison chain gang and brought a blow up doll for Pepe’s birthday which they were calling their escort…which is really ridiculous…so they come and Maikol doesn’t even come over to me which annoys me…and this weirdness continues throughout the night…like I just don’t get what his deal was, he was stand-offish and aloof and I don’t know…it was just weird. He did meet my brother though and then seemed anxious about whether or not he made a good first impression and if not over time they could become friends…like I just don’t get it. Then he disappears to take a group of people to Chippewa and doesn’t say anything to me, so I end up leaving with Pepe.

We leave Stillwater and head to the Chip Strip which the cops already had closed down because it was sooo packed but we went in anyway…my brother left and so did Chris, Eric and David so it was just me and the boys…so we head to Bottoms Up and I am seriously about to wet my pants so I run to the bathroom and I run into Justin Ross…so we end up hanging out and he’s with Tim and Trish and Trish’s new pseudo-guy Terry so it’s all good times. So we’re all dancing and drinking and whatever and it is so crowded I hate it…and I’m starting to get tired so I am really hating it. I’m dancing with Tim most of the night and he’s so excited to be back in Buffalo and thinks we should hang out soon and I miss Tim so I say of course…he’s seriously like one of the nicest guys around. So he leaves because well he’s sane and wants to beat the crowd and I am stuck because I didn’t drive…I start dancing with Ricardo and Aragon and whomever when Ricardo grabs me and tells me to come with him. He’s grabbing my hand really hard and pulling me like turns out he’s a lot stronger than I realized. He’s trying to pull me onto the raised dance floor and I am pulling back and he says we need to go in the back where no one can see us…and I am like freaking out because he’s being really aggressive and no one is paying attention so I pull away and tell him I need to go to the bathroom and run off. When I come back out I can’t find anyone so I keep pushing my way through the crowd until I find Pepe…and he tells me that they’re gone…Maikol has taken Ricardo and a few people home and I can’t help but wonder if he saw Ricardo and decided to nip the situation or if Maikol was just being weird again…I text Maikol to ask about getting together tomorrow…and as of 2pm Sunday still no answer…so I guess it’s whatever

We all leave shortly after and when Pepe drops me off at my car, he holds my hand and thanks me for coming out for his birthday and how glad he is that I have joined their group and hang out and to make sure that I call him when I get home so he knows I made it home safe.

When I get home I call and it goes to voicemail so I hang up and he calls me right back to say he’s glad I made it home safe and that he’ll be sure to see me this week for lunch and I can’t help but think why can’t Maikol be more like that…like am I just being selfish? Like maybe you can’t have it all maybe I’m being dramatic…or maybe I’m just not sure about him anymore…I just feel like maybe I wanted something so badly I tried to force it when really it might not be for me…who knows I may change my mind in an hour or two haha

I just know I want someone who does care enough to have me call him when I get home and who sticks around to make sure I'm okay and is really sweet and cares about my life in general...I don't know I feel like part of my current unhappiness is just because he didn't answer me...I get really antsy about that stuff...or maybe him not answering is just highlighting something I am normally inclined to ignore? Who knows? I just know I need to figure things out and soon...

Bottomline: We stayed out waaaaaaaaaaaay too late…damn daylight savings time…I got home at the equivalent of like 5:30am…I am way too old for this…

A Begger's Night Treat

So last night was another exciting “non-date” with Maikol…

I show up at Flickinger to see the guys in the parking lot all dressed like prisoners with $5 footlong shirts on underneath…I mean seriously? I feel like there is some joke about advertising your footlong as a prisoner but I can’t think of anything very clever….I have no costume because I had no idea this was a costume party…

We went to an Iranian Halloween Party…I have no idea how he knows all of these random people but we end up in Williamsville at an FW post filled with Iranians and some crazy bangra-ish sounding music…the boys are immediately semi-uncomfortable because guys dance with guys…and in a weird shimmy drop it low kind of fashion, Ricardo couldn’t handle it…he stuck to my side like we both swallowed magnets…Jose and Maikol tried dancing with a few people but mostly stuck to the wall. Suddenly a strange woman comes up grabs my hand and starts dancing with me…she’s new to the country and from Spain and she wants me to teach her how to dance like an American…except the way she’s dancing with me makes it seem like she wants to have my baby instead…also she asks how much Spanish I speak and am I from America (story of my life: everyone thinks I am Latino) so after awkward Lambada style dancing with some American moves thrown in Ricardo grabbed me for a picture…for that I was thankful

So we stayed a bit longer and then decided to head out on the town…
We started off near South Campus at the Steer….whores abounded…seriously Halloween is the one holiday where it’s socially acceptable for guys to dress as women and women to dress as whores…the Steer was kind of lame though and they charged $3 cover…seriously in Buffalo? Ummm it’s not amazing enough here to charge covers…especially since it was dead inside.

We drank for a bit and watched the parade of costumes go by, the boys tried guessing my age again…seriously why does it matter? I think Jose really wants to know because he just turned 29 but seriously should a lady ever tell her age?

So we’re hanging out by the window and Maikol looks at me and asks if I am dating anyone…I pause for a moment because I am thinking….”umm besides you?” but instead answer no and he high fives me….like we just won a game of foosball….and he says oh good because I’m not either….so of course you know my girl wheels are spinning…I’m thinking why would he ask? Is he going to ask me out for real? Was he dating someone else? But instead I just sip my rum and diet

The Steer was pretty dead so we leave for a new bar…as we’re walking out I start talking to Maikol about random stuff and then decide to slip the dating question in…well I ask why he asked me, I don’t ask him to date me…I’m not that ballsy…and he says “well I was kind of dating someone else but it didn’t work out, we didn’t have anything to talk about and she just didn’t seem interested” I feel like this should have been some AHA moment but instead I just feel more confused…he goes on to say that he doesn’t know if he even has enough time to really seriously date someone and I look at him stunned and he asks me what I think…so I say that I think he has enough time, with the right person it’ll work and it usually works if people are friends first…and then it’s his turn to just look at me…

I’m at a loss on this one…

So we head to Average Joes and its super packed so that’s always exciting…so we end up in the middle of chaos…when this random guy (dressed in an all jean outfit with his shirt unbuttoned) comes up to me and starts freak dancing me while I am just standing there drinking…I look at Jose and he just shrugs his shoulders and I try to scoot away

So we’re drinking and joking and taking pics…I’m getting super drunk at this point…and the random guy comes back and tries to put my necklace in his mouth (its short length so his mouth is closing in on my neck) while he’s asking if it’s made of candy and can he eat it. I am like horrified and push him back and he comes back in and Maikol pushes him away and says something..I can’t hear because everyone is screaming to words to Sweet Caroline

All of a sudden Bennert is behind me in a Scottish kilt and full ensemble and he’s all what are you doing here…I haven’t seen him since the July 4th rooftop party so I am pretty surprised as well. I look around but I don’t see his bff/partner in crime Doug (the former object of my affection) so I’m good and go back to dancing around when someone grabs my hand and tries to pull me away from the boys…this crazy ass drunk girl is all you’re so beautiful, come dance with me…and I think seriously is there a full moon, how do I get every weirdo within the metropolitan area …she won’t leave me alone so I pass her off to Ricardo and she is out of control…she is on the verge of crying drunk and keeps saying her friend left her and I tell her to get a glass of water because she is out of control to which she responds by falling on the floor. Someone helps her up and she decides to sleep on the pool table…good times
So I suddenly see Doug and I think WTF…I feel like I have to say hello and pretend things are fine…and then I realize I don’t need t pretend at all because things are fine, plus I have my posse of boys to watch my back

So we make eye contact and I wave and he comes over and shakes my hand and tells me how great it is to see me and what am I doing here and we talk about planning…all the whole the guys are standing like 2 feet away…so I introduce them and he tells them how I am the greatest person ever and I keep the planning department together and he wouldn’t have graduated without me (which is probably true, but another story) so then Bennert comes over and we’re all talking and then Doug play hits me and Bennert and walks away…like hits us in the face…seriously WTF

So I walk next to Maikol again and I tell him they’re from my program and that I can’t stand that kid Doug and he’s all “it didn’t look like you hated him” and just looks at me…I say I was just being nice but he doesn’t look like he is buying it…I kind of like the territorial look

The rest of the evening is a little fuzzy because of all the free shots I had…the guys didn’t like them so I drank them all…bad idea

We end up back in the parking lot at Flickinger and Maikol goes to drop me off at my car and I am like seriously you think I should drive and he looks at me and says no he’ll drive me home…so I look at Jose and say I can just stay on his couch for a few hours and he says that’s fine…Maikol says no I can’t stay there he’ll just drive me home and pick me up tomorrow to get my car. I say its too far for him to drive and he says its his job to make sure I make it home safe which I think is kind of sweet. So Jose drives my car closer to his building and we all chat in the lot for a moment and I get back in the car and ask Maikol if he’s sure and he says yes so we drive to my house, he makes me give him my address because apparently he assumes I can’t give directions to my own house (I’m tipsy but not that drunk)

I continue to question whether he really wants to do this and will he tell me a story (I’m feeling a little nauseous at this point) and he tells me to just sit back and relax and focus on the ride

So he tells me about his grandmother dying, I didn’t know she had been sick really, I knew she was in the hospital for surgery but I didn’t think it was dire. He simply explained that while he was sad she was gone but he was glad that she wasn’t suffering anymore…and then switched the topic to happier things…his mom coming and how I am going to be one of the first people she meets and that I’ll be able to speak to her in Spanish by then and she’s going to try to speak English to her and he’s going to take her to all of these fun places and wishes she could stay forever and his brother is coming to Colorado so he hopes he can see him…we talked about a few other things, nothing that sticks out and he dropped me off and offered to pick me up tomorrow for Jose’s birthday party

We’ll see what’s up later tonight

What's wrong with a cheese roll?

So an update on the new Mike..

So we have seen each other almost everyday…it’s kind of nice because he is really attentive and sweet like in a teasing but friendly way.Last night we worked in the lab pretty late and I ended up skipping the Steve Lopez talk because well I was exhausted and I needed to drive him home as he is still sans car…so last night we went to Wegmans and wandered around the store and grabbed some Chinese, and this is when I started my weird internal conversation. So he pays veryclose attention to everything I do and say and react to…which is nice but also a little off putting ya know? Like does he jot it down in a journal? I’m not sure…ok so back to the story
We’re at the Chinese bar and he is watching what I am putting in my take out container and when I look at him he’s like what and I’m all what? So I walk away…once we’re in the café eating he notices that I pick out my vegetables…I can’t help it they looked kind of gross, like sat under a heat lamp too long gross…and so he’s like oh you don’t like vegetables do you…and I’m like well just these and he’s all oh that’s too bad…and so internally I’m wondering if he’s judging my eating habits or just making an observation…

So we finish and wander around the store and we stop in the bakery because he’s looking for some weird frosted animal cracker cookie things…so I grab two rolls for sandwiches for school tomorrow and he’s like oh good for you and I look at him perplexed of course and he’s all you chose wheat they’re good for you…and I’m all well I chose wheat because white tastes like nothing…and he’s all because the nutrients are taken out…so I continue to process this…like I kind of wanted a cheese roll but I decide not to get it because I wonder if he’ll judge…like is it judging am I just being psychotic because I have food issues? Is he secretly counting the fat grams and calories and wondering if I make healthy choices? Or is he food obsessed because of his former chubby kid life?

The last incident happens after he gets a giant case of Guinness and we wonder past the soda and he says just ignore it, it’s not good for you anyway…and I stutter step because I am more than slightly surprised…like umm hello you’re going home to write a paper and get wasted and I can’t get a diet coke with lime because it’s the devil?
That’s the recap…it makes me slightly anxious because I like to eat what I want when I want…but I guess at the same time he cares about my health? I don’t know if I am trying to make allowances for him or if I am just overreacting? This is a normal girl thing right? To care about what people think?

I should also mention he has a giant whey protein mix container and giant bottles of vitamins in his apartment (along with pie and cookies, it’s a weird mix)…maybe he’s projecting his issues? Or maybe he’s socially awkward and was trying to make conversation? I have no idea…

So much for avoiding boys...

So ok let’s give a boy update...

Maikol: totally thought we were having a date night Saturday when he brought along another girl…WTF said she was a friend but I was livid and my back was still hurting from my graceful moment falling down a flight of stairs at Hayes Hall…so as soon as the movie ended I put on my coat and started walking out so he rushed and caught up with me and it went like this

M: Did the movie upset you?

K: No…

M: Did you want to go for coffee?

K: Why did you want coffee?

M: Well no but did you want to go?

K:If you don’t want coffee why would you suggest we go?

M: (long pause….looks at weird girl…lightbulb goes off (I think)…) Did you want to get lunch tomorrow?

K: what?

M: Well I figured if you are on campus and I am on campus we can get lunch. I will be there with just the guys

K: I’ll call you

And I walk away still annoyed and avoid a real hug goodbye because I am soo mad about the situation…as I drive past him I don’t even look and/or wave
So next day we meet for lunch and I actually meet him at his office… he’s all by himself..so it’s just the two of us for lunch…on the way to the commons he is falling all over himself to open doors and make conversation so we end up pseudo-making up…and somehow it comes up that I can speak Spanish better than I let on so he starts trying to get me to speak in Spanish and he offers to teach me better Spanish if I will help him improve his English…which is cute right?

So I bring up Boston and how I might go for the weekend (although at this point I already know I’m not going but I wanted to gauge his reaction)

K: So I might go away for the weekend to Boston to see some friends

M: Oh really…I hear it’s really nice there, very different from New York or LA

K: Yea I don’t know if I should go though…long pause…what do you think?

M: Well if I am answering for me…I want you to stay here because we can have lots of fun, go out for Halloween, have our Spanish/English time alone, and get lunch like we always do…but I understand if you want t go and have fun

And then he just smiles at me…and I decide there that things are okay
I should add in that after the movie debacle I went to my friend Chris’ house for some hysterical times and drinking…and I ended up drunken spooning with Eric which was hysterical and slightly awkward and I couldn’t help but wonder if this was his first foray into pseudo-relations with girls (I mean it’s very in the air)…all very weird…but I do enjoy a good spoon, especially when no one is trying to jam their hands down your pants

Cue the next boy….also named Mike…I can’t help it! Apparently its something about the name

So okay, new boy…in my grad program…totally nerdy cute…like glasses and dimples which is an adorable combination in my book…he has been persistent in asking me out for ice cream…like seriously three times…

OK first back story…I met him back in September at the GPSA program...he had a girl with him so I assumed he was taken…and then we went to see Tony Blair together randomly…and he was very sweet and charming and after that came the ice cream invitation…but I couldn’t…not because I didn’t want to but because he asked at the most inopportune times like when I was at a meeting or something…but he kept trying and he would meet me in the lounge at school to chat or would call me or chat on facebook…anything to show he was interested I suppose…so we finally went out Sunday after my lunch with Maikol (I know pretty pimp right? I feel like Charlotte from SATC when she tries to do the double date day, I’m hoping it doesn’t blow up in my face)

So ok we go to Coldstone…and I find out he is sick and doesn’t really want anything so I ask him why he didn’t reschedule and he just looks at me and says he’ll be fine and gives me that cute dimpled smile( like seriously why didn't he reschedule? because he's been trying for so long?)..so we spend like 1.5 hours in Coldstone just talking…like about likes and dislikes, funny anecdotes etc and I was like oh well I should go…but I have notes from a class I took last year that he is taking now so I end up at his apartment…we end up talking and drinking and hanging out until like midnight when I finally decided I need to stop the banter and go...I tried to leave like 4 times but he would bring up a new topic or offer me a drink...he mentioned we needed to get drunk together and then busts out beers..haha too bad I don't drink beer...

and its weird because it feels like something has changed…I’m not sure what …maybe we became closer instantaneously…he shows me pictures from back home and what he looked like in high school (he’s a former chubby kid, which I find incredibly endearing) and I get this whole glimpse into his life…at one point we’re in his room and it does seem contrived he just wants to show me more of his life, and he tells me plenty like when he was 12 and his family’s house burned down and how hard it was and family issue type stuff…from a psychological standpoint I wonder why he shares so quickly…or maybe I just take too long to share with people…I’m not sure but reasons people share so quickly…they tell you everything to see if you’ll get spooked and leave, because you want a connection so badly, or because you automatically trust the person you’re with…I don’t know a time when I’ve trusted someone instantly other than Meg and Mel…so its weird for me to think someone can bond so quickly

But we’re pretty bonded…he seeks me out around school and I find him (though I pretend I wasn’t trying to) and he pays attention to everything…in a way that almost makes me self-conscious…he notices that I pick the peppers and onions out of my lemon pepper chicken, or that my smile crinkles when I’m being sarcastic and he answers in an even keel when I’m being ridiculous in a way that diffuses my ridiculousness and he talks about us in the we…as in when we do X it’ll be Y…

So obviously I am confused now…

oy vei

Totally a Miss Cleo moment...without the Jamiacan accent

On July 20th I wrote this:


So I had a crazy dream the other night and you were in it...we both moved to Peru for work but there were no houses so we lived with like 6 other people real world style and then there was a flood and you thought you could stop it by turning the shower on...very weird...

In dream interpretation...

water=your unconscious and your emotional state of mind. Water is the living essence of the psyche and the flow of life energy. It is also symbolic of spirituality, emotion, love, knowledge, healing and refreshment. If the water is calm, clear, then it signifies that you are in tune with your spirituality. It denotes serenity, peace of mind, and rejuvenation.

flood=To dream that you are in a flood, represents your need to release some sexual desires. If the flood is raging, then it represents emotional issues and tension. Your repressed emotions are overwhelming you. Consider where the flood is for clues as to where in your waking life is causing you stress and tension. Alternatively, the dream may indicate that you are the one who is overwhelming others with your demands and strong opinion.To see a gentle flood in your dream, indicates that your worries over a certain matter will soon be swept away

shower= symbolizes spiritual or physical renewal and forgiveness. You are washing the burdens out of your life. Alternatively, the dream may be a metaphor that you are "showering" someone with gifts or love, or you may be showered with love


I wrote this on LC's FB wall because he was the only one I could think of that fit into this scenario....weirder still LC is a spanish speaking engineer...now with the whole Maikol thing I realize he fits into the scenario not LC (which is good because the LC thing really weirded me out)

Does this make me psychic?

I feel like so many things are changing and there’s nothing I can do to stop them…everything just keeps moving faster than I can process…

Life is changing, work is changing, social stuff is changing, everything is changing…and normally I revel in change but now its got me really stressed out and just feeling overwhelmed

I just feel like a year from now things are going to be so different I might not even recognize them…and I don’t think its going to be bad necessarily but I think that I might miss aspects of my old life

All of a sudden this idea of change had me hyperventilating in a full on panic attack…its been years since I’ve felt like that and then all at once it hit me and I knew I had to just let it all out

I like Maikol a lot and sometimes I think he really likes me other times I can’t be sure and I just don’t want to deal with getting my hopes up and being all ridiculous when its only going to be heartache…like I just can’t deal with it this time…and I don’t know what to do or what to say or how to respond…sometimes it seems so easy…other times I just think about how different we are…I mean we don’t even think primarily in the same language…things are so different, and sometimes I wonder if it’s not too difficult in the end…I mean maybe we’re just friends and then I’m getting worked up for nothing…I swear is it ever like the movies? I think that movies have completely warped my sense of reality and completely ruined pseudo-normal scenarios because no one busts into song, gets weak in the knees or finds out that they have some sort of magic connection in real life…unless you’re on drugs

Work is changing and I have a really awesome interview with LP Ciminelli and I really wish and hope for a real position with the company…I’m hoping that all the hard work and networking will get a position in Construction Management…if I don’t I really don’t know where I am going to work…I’ve decided I don’t want to get my PhD…not right now anyway…I just want to graduate and get on with my life, where ever I am going to end up…I hope for Ciminelli for a few years at least, so I can work and get on my feet and save for things and become a real grown-up…whatever that means

I am tired of school, I don’t want to meet for anymore meetings I don’t want anymore projects I don’t want to be on anymore committees or run anymore anything…it is EXHAUSTING being president…I have no idea how Barrack does it…I can’t even pee without people coming to talk to me…like seriously back the hell off…I have to hide and even then people are texting, gchatting, like I can’t just get away and no one ever wants to just talk to me, they all want something…I totally get when people say its lonely at the top

Stupid Blogger just deleted my whole post....damn

It was about being president and how it sucks because you can't usually pee

I could lose my heart tonight...if you don't turn and walk away

So another fun date with Maikol last night...so why am I completely petrified? Well because that's just it...its so amazing and so wonderful I can't help but wait for the other shoe to drop, like he's in love with someone else, he is secret a giant jerk, he's really just mindfucking me...anything to prove me right about how dudes are all a-holes...and so far nothing, he continues to hold doors and say nice things and be sweet and funny and smart and it has been completely unnerved! Like I know I say I want to be proved wrong just once but this one is sooo easy and proving me wrong so quickly that I cant relax completely...

I'm not saying this because I want him to be a jerk or treat me like crap or use me...its just so different so quickly...and its so easy...I don't have to beg, plead and hope for him to like me or to take me out...it just happens...and we have fun and talk about any and everything and he wants to know about me and my family and things I like and what I like to do in my spare time, what I want to do with my life...and he listens and remembers and brought up meeting his mom again...which is in January...this time commitment thing is a big deal...I mean it's only October...

I am sitting here listening to sappy Chasing Amy version of Kiss the Rain feeling all sappy...its like I'm all girly again...all those songs I deleted off of my Ipod because I was sick of sappyness are slowly creeping back on...and I'm trying to learn better Spanish and find a job in Buffalo because he'll be here for the next 4 years finishing his PhD...and I said I would cook for him...seriously this is changing my life...its not exactly the life I planned on...but he even said after his PhD he would move back to California because he likes it and misses it...and he asked me where I am going to be living in May because his roommate is graduating ...all of this gives me serious heart palpitations...but its also kind of nice

I notice I am in a better mood and I actually tell my mom I love her (which I do pretty infrequently because it just seems weird for me)...and I mean it...and I don't find anything really deal breaking about him...like I think its hysterical that he has no idea how pancakes are made, and cute that he's never been to a play (until we went) and doesn't understand the point of intermission...and that he ate his first pickle last night (he wasn't sure if you should eat the outside of it, I had no idea they don't have pickles in Peru)...and that he told me I am his first American friend...

Wow this could be either the best thing ever...or the worst thing to happen to me...I know I shouldn't hide from this...even though being open and honest in this type of situation is freakishly hard for me...

I think It's something like being Lucy Ricardo

So I have begun my journey into the Latin American lifestyle...apparently just diving right in

Maikol and I went with some friends of his to a salsa place downtown and I have to say it was a lot of fun...maybe even more fun than I expected but things were good...Maikol was very patient as I stumbled through my first salsa however I did amaze him with my merengue talent...all those years of watching Selena helped pay off

However, everyone in the room has clearly been classically trained...like they were out of control...I only know the basic steps but the boys thought I did great...it was hard to sit down and relax because the boys were rotating...so just when I thought I could sit after a dance Pepe or Ricardo or someone would come up...the next day my legs killed but it was fun and totally worth it

So I have taken about 8 1/2 years of Spanish so I thought I was pretty sweet...until I got around all of Maikol's friends...they all speak so fast I can only understand about every 2nd or 3rd word...but they try to speak English for me which is nice and I try to speak/understand Spanish

On the way home Maikol and I were talking in the car and he is like genuinely interested in what I say and do...which is nice...and he tells me random things about his family, his country, etc...his mom is coming in January and he wants me to meet her so that she can cook me real Peruvian food.

Yesterday we went to lunch after I got out of work and we went to this place called La Tolteca and the food was pretty good...I was a little surprised because its in Williamsville and well they aren't exactly known for their Mexican cuisine.

Last night we planned on going to the movies, I called him and he didn't answer and didn't call back right away so of course in crazy girl mode I was worried that he didn't really want to go or that he didn't really like me or something...but then he called.....sigh...so we went to see Surrogates which was a pretty amazing movie..although Pepe brought it how the plot line could be applied to things like facebook where we socialize more but we interact less...Maikol laughed and whispered not to say anything because I love facebook...haha...then he walked me to my car and said that he will see me this coming weekend and he will plan something fun for us...sigh...during the movie Maikol asked me if I liked the movie and I told him I did but I couldn't figure it out...so he tried to explain it to me...I tried to tell him that I meant I was trying to figure out the end...so I guessed a random plot point which turned out to be true and he looks at me and says (completely sincere) "wow, you're really smart" and I just laughed. It's nice...I'm smitten...and he totally wore cologne last night...and well he sure wasn't wearing it for Pepe...haha

So I really like him...after I gave up on boys I randomly met Maikol...and he's really really great...he walks on the outside of the street, holds every door for me, drives everywhere, pays attention when I talk, asks me how my day was, shares things with me...like things are different than with other guys, he never makes me feel bad, he calls when he says he will, he's not mean or sarcastic...it's just nice

I'm trying to just let things go and see how they turn out...which is hard for me...but I'm having a great time

I have Liz's wedding coming up in 2 weeks and I want to ask him to be my date...I'm just nervous to do it...although I have two super cute dresses to choose from...a very cute burnt orange one and a slinky black one...I need some accessories but both could be really cute

I need to have girl friends...in a 10 mile radius...

My life as of late...

So school has completely consumed my life...

People think that I am kidding but I am seriously at school from about 845am-715pm each night at which time I am sooo exhausted that my life ceases to exist...I become that old woman who falls asleep before the Daily Show...because honestly who doesn't choose sleep even over the witty political stylings of one Jon Stewart?

So here's my school life in a nutshell

At my work study where I am there 4 days a week, my boss doesn't know my name. Like he doesn't care to know my name...he's never even asked...maybe he thinks the work fairy just dropped me off one day to analyze countless GIS maps and pick up copies and post things on foamcore. Like I am just a human version of staples with GPS skills...it's not like my name is LaFawndah or something...it's just three little letters...I mean let's be honest it's not that difficult.

So I have decided I am going to just wander around the 5th floor and print for my own personal uses...and dance in the bathroom...everyone is soooo serious on the 5th floor like can't anyone ever talk about what happened on Keeping Up with the Kardashians? Or how Kanye dissed Taylor? Instead everything is about the upcoming plan and designs and how important the president is and Kofi Annan...I mean I am all for professional conversation but come on...I've been waiting to bust out my Kim Kardashian impression...why must people steal my joy?? I don't steal their staplers they shouldn't steal my joy

Which brings us to studio...there are 3 planners and 11 architects...clearly we are out numbered...it feels like that movie 300 where they march into battle knowing that they won't make it out alive but they have to try to fight anyway...well without the Tonight we dine in hell comment (because honestly who wants to dine in hell? and how is this an appropriate battle rally?) we marched into the room...and immediately felt like that first day of class at a new school when everyone already has friends and you feel like the cheese that stood alone? well yea it was something like that...so the 3 of us shared one table while the rest each had their own...the professor seems oblivious to the social ramifications of this scenario...

She also refers to us as the planners so often that we use it as a joke...and she doesn't realize that we're making fun of it...she actually asked us if we would use it as the name of our firm...AS IF!

Which brings us to who Brian and I refer to as Douchey McGee...I don't get it but he just acts like an ass...like off handed comments, lots of eye rolling, generally acts annoyed to be there...and whenever we present he either leaves the room, texts the whole time or acts like what we're saying is trivial (and after talking to the one architect today who didn't know what filter in excel meant clearly we're arent stupid)

So Brian and I started calling him Douchey McGee...well what i hate the most is that he's not an idiot...I could do better hating him if he was...I agree with most of what he says, ideas he proposes and I really like his designs...like what I think he can design...which is annoying because I want to hate him...I've been trying to convince myself as such...so today...he was his usual self...so Brian and I picked the official study areas for our final proposal...during his presentation he talks about taking pictures of entire blocks in the neighborhood and making them into panoramic displays...which I think is cool...god I hate that I like douches

So I ask Brian if since we picked the final areas if we should tell him...he says we should...so I suck it up...but I refuse to go alone...so if he's douchey Brian can mentally catalog it for making fun of him later...but instead when I walk over him and his friend stop and look and me and get this...he's smiling at me...like not in a snotty way but in a hey I wanted to see you nice warm smile that normally makes me want to throw up...like ummm why isn't he being a douche? Is it because I caught him being douchey during our presentation?

So I show them my hand drawn sheet depicting the borders and he's like Oh wow thanks this is awesome, exactly what we need...this clears up everything...and again not in a snotty way...like he's being nice and sincere...I mean seriously? Why is he being nice to us? He goes on to make small talk and I just looked at him...like he has a soul, a personality, social skills? why is he being nice...it weirds me out...architects are supposed to hate planners...at least in our school...and here he is talking about work and holidays and things...so I end with well we're out of here have a good weekend...and he returns the sentiments...I'm at a loss

Where's Derek Jeter when you need him?

So I guess for ages people have wondered...what does it mean to get to third base...well this kid on FB decided to spell it out for everyone...so I had to post it for you blog world!!


Standardized Guide to the Bases!

--On Deck- Having plans for a date
--Strike-Out- Duh!!
--Walk- Kissing
--Bunt- Masturbation
--Single- Tongue kissing
--Double- Breasts/chest touched, some clothes off, lots of
grabbing and feels
--Triple- Most of the clothes off, genital contact, mutual
masturbation
--Inside the park home run- Oral Sex
--Home Run- SEX!
--Ground Rule Double- would have sex, but no condom
--Error- Condom breaks during sex
--Banned for life for gambling- sex without condom
--Hall of Fame- Marriage

Now that we've got the basics, let's introduce some terms to
better explain all the things that can happen now a days.

--Balk- Premature ejaculation
--Pine Tar- KY jelly
--Relief pitcher- Vibrator
--Rain Delay- parents/roommate return home unexpectedly
--Box Seats- Waterbed
--Seventh Inning Stretch- Unusual positions
--Rookie- Virgin
--Minor Leagues- Under 18
--Loaded Bases- menage a trois
--Grand Slam- Sex three times in twelve hours
--Foul tip- VD
--Three up and three down- impotency

Secret: Strong Enough for a Man...Made for a Woman

Have you ever wondered why some foreign people smell so bad? I mean really I don’t get it…like it’s not like bathing is a foreign term/idea….deodorant is not the devil here kids…B.O. is…I can’t handle it…in particular there are two students in my studio who pretty much reek non-stop…like when I was a kid in middle and high school they would pull those stinky kids aside and talk to them about not offending other s and learning about hygiene…why is this not the case today…I mean honestly if you are downwind from one of these girls it makes your nose hurt, like my gag reflex kicks in…like why is it fair that I should nearly retch because you don’t think you need deodorant or a frickin’ shower?

I do really love the women’s bathroom on the 3rd floor of Crosby…it always smells like oranges and soap…two of my favorite smells…this maybe part of the problem…I really love the smell of Dial soap…like it’s comforting for me…this probably has something to do with an OCD mother who cleaned more than Danny Tanner but I digress…so I get to enjoy all of that wonderfulness and then I walk into studio and nearly throw up….like there’s no transition, no “hey nose get ready” you are just suddenly assaulted and I don’t get it…I mean really it’s not fair. Like it’s the equivalent to taking a big dump in the middle of the room….no one says anything? And I try so hard not to sit next to them but somehow they are always creeping near me…the one likes to compliment my jewelry…I tried to respond politely without breathing…you can see the conundrum there…

And in a country like India that has millions of people in close quarters, no one thought of deodorant? That must be the stinkiest city ever…I imagine people using the perfumed handkerchief similar to the times of the bubonic plague….I can’t be sure but that’s the only remedy I think will work.

An Island waiting to be discovered...part 2

OK, so I know I said I was over boy posts but I just wanted to give the update so you knew where they all stood before I didn't mention them again

Also all boys mentioned in previous posts (J, C, D, Doug, Sam) do not exist for all intents and purposes...I am so over my "options"...I only want to date a nice guy and they aren't really nice...

I think this is because of Tommy over the summer...some of you know about this guy...and how he thought he could control me and act like I was some second class citizen which is not the case at all...because everyone knows I am a princess

But the fact that someone can treat people like that makes me leery of starting a relationship without knowing the person a lot better...friends first maybe?

Are we there yet?

So I know blog I promised I would pay more attention to you but well I am a big liar...you can't believe anything I say ever...I'm going to try but no promises (that's not a lie)

I have decided I am done posting about boys...they are just one big mindfuck and I can't take it anymore...where are the cute nice boys who don't want to just F-you and then think that's ok...I want to be wined and dined (preferably lots of wine)...and until this happens I am done obsessing about boys...this is a new leaf for me

This is happening because I watched Sex and the City the other day and Charlotte had one of her prim and proper freak outs about the 4 of them being completely genius but their conversations were always about guys and how lame were they...adn I realized I do the same thing...I never talk about politics or fun times or a new recipe I learned not to burn...I write about stupid boys all day long and I chat about stupid boys and well stupid boys are always on the brain...so with that being said...I am done...because I am a genius girl as well and have a lot to add to conversations

Speaking of which...I went to the outlets with Chris and Eric on Saturday...for those of you who don't know them...Eric is the nicest boy in the whole world, he never yells at anyone, never gets angry, is always polite...I am convinced this is all an act I mean seriously who can be all Pollyanna all the time? Unless you're a pod person...I mean really...but when I went to his house I didn't see a podlike cocoon that he could sleep in at night...although I didn't go in the basement...isn't that where those things are usually kept? Basements creep me out though...especially after John told me that a killer clown was waiting for me near the laundry hamper...John is evil, don't let him fool you..

Sorry for that tangent....so back to Eric, I decided that I was going to make it my mission to make him crack, I'm a little evil and I like to try new social experiments everyday

So I think how can I possibly be annoying enough for him to yell at me...I mean there are multiple routes I could take...the incessant talking, hitting him repeatedly, pretending to have tourette's...the possibilities are endless...

I go with the incessant talking while he's driving, which goes something like this:

me: So that's where I used to grocery shop (points to Wegmans) OMG I love pizza hut do you like pizza hut

Eric: sure

me: Have you ever been go-karting?

Eric: no

me: OMG you totally should although I think there's a chance you'd die so i personally wouldn't

Eric: silence

me: Down that road is where I went to tea for my birthday...

Eric: How did you find out about that place?

me: I read Eric..GOD that's what's wrong with America...it was so much fun have you ever gone for tea? It was amazing they had little sandwiches and scones and Meagan came and we learned how to dunk our tea bags and balls and we had a birthday cupcake

Eric: Kim, please I don't care

me: You don't care about me? I mean what kind of friend are you. I'm just making conversation

Eric: I am trying to drive Kim (I should mention now Eric drives super proper, like hands on 10 and 2 and doesn't look around unless its driving related...no radio station changing either...clearly he's not a real American...I mean who doesn't multi-task...I put on mascara, text, and drink my Starbucks all while driving)

me: So does that mean you can't talk to me? I should just sit in silence and stare out the window? I am a social person Eric I can't help who I am..don't try to change me!

Eric: Kim I'm nto trying to change you I am just focusing on the road

me: Fine I'll just die of boredom then...thanks for the great day

Eric: silence...sigh...what would you like to talk about?

me: Nothing now...why do I have to start all the conversations anyway? Can't you ever start one for once? I mean this friendship is a two-way street

Eric: long pause...exasperated sigh...ok, well what did you do yesterday?

me: Shouldn't you focus on the road? Are you trying to kill me? I am precious cargo Sir! Should I bring a helmet next time? I mean good lord...some people!

Eric: silence

me: Aren't you glad you know me?

Eric: gives a half smile

me: I'll talk that smile to mean "I am extremely lucky to know you, so much so that I can't describe in words"

Eric: silence

So we arrived at the outlets and I couldn't get Eric to crack...him telling me he didn't care was as close as I got to him changing out of that cheery mood...which just convinces me he must be a pod person...what are the signs a person is a pod person? and how do you know if they are benevolent, just want to live on earth or if he's waiting for the perfect time to suck out my brains and make me a pod person too?

An Island waiting to be discovered

So I just feel very confused...I just don't get it anymore...I used to think I knew what to do, who to choose, how to go about it (partially) but now I don't know anymore

New guys in the mix of things to be known by code only

J--new kid in the MUP program, pretty entertaining, cute, think he's pretty smart, 2 years younger than me

C--have known him most of my life in Buffalo, actually pretty much all of it but hes been away for quite some time earning a dual MUP/JD degree, really smart, completely understands where I am coming from on a lot of things, 2 years older than me

and some oldies:

Doug

Sam

I'm sure you know them by now...we all know neither of them is good for me..

So here's what I don't know...I don't know what to do/say anymore...I don't know who to choose or how to act or how to know the difference between friendship and romance....I'm just very confused

OK so I met J on Friday...he's funny, smart, really cute, not my usual type...like he's kind of a bad ass..like he reminds me of Jess from GG...well kind of...maybe he is kind of my type...I mean Doug is kind of the same way...hmmm not sure...we talked and had a good time..are now FB friends and he sent me a msg thanking me for showing him a good time..we're also working together

Then there's C...we went to the same high school, I randomly e-mailed him to ask about his grad program and we ended up going for coffee...for 5 hours! I feel like we had so much to talk about and so much in common, and it was nice to have someone who had a similar upbringing and experience but still be really smart and understand why we want to get out of this town...but also want the whole family deal...like he described his idea of house, wife, kids, etc and it just made me melt a bit...and he has goals and we can talk about all kinds of things...but the thing is when he talked about all of the things he wanted and I really just wanted him to say he wanted me to be there...which is ridiculous I guess...I just don't know how to read people anymore...I've lost my edge...I'm letting my loneliness and my longing for a fairytale ending mess with my head I think...I mean maybe I only like the idea of him...but I know more than the idea...I just love that he gets what life is like here but doesn't want to live here forever but he wants to come back eventually because of his family, which I feel more like that everyday...he's just such a gentleman like holds doors, walks on the outside of the sidewalk, that whole deal which I absolutely love...and he asked if he could call me next time he was in town...but I just don't know...I mean part of me is like 5 hours for coffee and chatting should say something, but its like what if he's like McArtsy? we had coffee 2 days in a row for like 3 hours and then he ignored me...

Maybe I'll just have to wait and see how things pan out...*crosses fingers*

I mean most people fancy me a wonder woman or ice queen but I want the whole package...I want the family, kids, nice house deal...

I don't know anymore...I just hope I can figure it out soon...maybe C will come to the town meeting Thursday...that would make me pretty excited...

So I know it's been a bit blogging world...but I had a lot of growing and learning to do this summer...and a job without internet access...

However as far as learning goes...I have realized that some boys are awful for me, as much as I think I want them I am much better off without them...I've realized that if you pretend something long enough, it becomes true...and that sometimes when you get what you think you're looking for you realize you don't really want it...because you want something completely different.

Also, those kids who made it from nothing, they're always striving and struggling to prove they're good enough...because someone used to tell them they'd never make it...so maybe you think they're a little douche-y because they talk about their accomplishments...but really they just want you to know they matter...it's sad but it's true, so you should really give them a chance...once they simmer down they're actually a lot of fun.

Well I will try to post more often...I really do have a lot to say

Only God knows why?

Two youths charged with killing worker at Lockport group home
A 24-year-old female worker at a group home for troubled youths in Lockport was beaten to death after her killers put a blanket over her head while she was playing cards with other residents in the home Monday night, Lockport police said Tuesday.

The police identified the victim as Renee C. Greco, 24, of Parkside Avenue, Buffalo. Police said they believe a cover up of a recent theft sparked the killing.

During her two years working at the group home on East Avenue, Greco chose to stay there rather than pursue other opportunities, co-workers said. She wanted to be a social worker and had begun studies to achieve that goal.

“Renee had a genuine concern in her heart,” said Jeff Boots, manager of the group home. “She wanted to make a change in these kids’ lives.”

Police have charged Anthony J. Allen, 18, and Robert J. Thousand, 17, both of Rochester, with second-degree murder, robbery and burglary, after Greco was found dead shortly after 9:30 p. m. in the dining room of Avenue House, the East Avenue group home.

The two were residents of the home, a six-bed group home run by Wyndham Lawn Home for Children, a facility for troubled youths. The East Avenue group home, which dates back to at least 1969, provides troubled youths with a social worker and access to community-based drug and alcohol counseling.

A third teen apprehended with the two has not been charged.

Detectives said they believe Allen hatched the plot to go AWOL from the group home, after he stole $160 from a lock box in the office over the weekend. Allen had become agitated when residents of the home were told late Monday afternoon that the lock box had been checked for prints, and the person who stole the money would be arrested.

“When he found that out, he decided to go AWOL,” Detective Capt. Richard L. Podgers said of Allen. “He made the plan; he got the weapons. I’m not going to say what they were, but we have them.”

Podgers said the killers took the weapons, which he described as “not what you would think of as weapons,” from the basement. They were recovered at the scene.

At a late-morning news conference, Lockport police said Greco had decided to stay in Western New York after her immediate family moved to Texas three weeks ago to look for work. She was the only person working in the home when she was killed.

“What’s sad about this is the fact that you have a young girl who devoted her life to trying to make their lives better,” Lockport Police Chief Lawrence M. Eggert said at the news conference. “She’s kind of considered their mother figure, . . . trying to give them a better life, and this is her reward.”

The home is run by New Directions Youth & Family Services, the umbrella agency for both Wyndham Lawn and the Randolph Children’s Home in Cattaraugus County.

“We are outraged and deeply saddened by the horrific and senseless act of violence which led to the death of our staff [member],” James W. Coder, chief executive officer of New Directions, said in a statement. “Our hearts go out to the family and friends of this innocent, selfless victim.”

Greco, who was described by a friend as selfless and outgoing, was a 2002 graduate of West Seneca West High School.

Immediately after the killing, one of the young residents ran to a nearby home and called police, while the two accused killers broke into the office, where they stole Greco’s purse, some money and the keys to a Wyndham Lawn van, police said.

Lockport police received a 911 call at 9:23 p. m. Monday from someone, presumably the youth who ran from the house, who said, “They hit the lady and took the van.”

Police responded, found the body and broadcast a description of the van. State police later found a dark van matching that description in the Wal- Mart parking lot on South Transit Road, but the three fugitives had left the scene.

Lockport police later learned that a taxi had picked them up at that location and taken them to the NFTA bus station in downtown Buffalo.

Niagara Frontier Transportation Authority police developed information from a surveillance camera that one person, Thousand, had purchased three tickets at about 11:05 p.m. for a 2:45 a.m. bus headed to Rochester. Allen has told police that the three then hid in some nearby bushes, while NFTA and Buffalo police staked out the bus station.

At about 2:05 a.m. Tuesday, the three emerged from their hiding place and were apprehended by NFTA police outside the bus station. They later were turned over to Lockport police for questioning.

The third youth has been identified by police as a cooperating witness, but it is not clear why he was traveling in the van and the taxi with the suspects.

Allen and Thousand were arraigned on the murder charges before Lockport City Judge William J. Watson and held without bail.

Allen has told detectives that he was at the home because of some petty crimes he committed in the Rochester area.

Officials with New Directions issued two statements but didn’t make any of their staff available for interviews.

Lockport Mayor Michael W. Tucker echoed the sentiments of neighbors, and even some local law enforcement officials, in saying that many people didn’t even know there was a group home on East Avenue.

“It’s been totally under the radar forever, and some neighbors never even knew the home was there,” Tucker said. “That says it all in a nutshell.”

Tucker also praised Wyndham Lawn Home for Children.

“They do a great job in the community,” he said. “They serve a great purpose, caring for some wayward kids that got off the straight and narrow and took the wrong fork in the road.”

Having said that, Tucker added that now that neighbors know about the East Avenue home—and the murder committed there — they want to know who’s in that home and why they’re there.

“So I don’t know what the future of the home is going to be,” he added.

State Sen. Catharine M. Young, ROlean, on Tuesday called for a state investigation of the Office of Children & Family Services, to determine whether the two charged with murder had been placed appropriately in the group home.

“I suspect very strongly that they were not, that they were higher-level offenders,” Young said.

Young said if an investigation reveals such improper placements, she is calling for Children & Family Services Commissioner Gladys Carrion to be removed or forced to resign.




So ok it's been all over the news and radio and cable and facebook, like I can't get away from the story of renee's death...renee and I worked together in that same house for about 1.5 years and I just can't imagine...it's so awful I can't even fathom how awful her last minutes must have been like was she in extreme pain? did one blow end everything? did she suffer? I hope it was quick...I mean she was just surprised and then it was over, but judging from the reports it sounded like she suffered which is soo unfair like people say that karma comes around, or that everything happens for a reason but what reason could this serve? I mean why do people have to die? I mean some say its Darwinian but how is this survival of the fittest? But the people who survived this ordeal (the murderers) how are they the ones who get to live? Like who said they should live and she should die? She was a really nice person, like she didn't deserve it and I can't help but seem to lose my faith in the very things I once believed whole-heartedly...like good people are supposed to win in the end and there's good in all people but it seems like in this situation that this isn't the case. Like it could have easily been me, there were plenty of times that I was alone with those same boys, we shouldn't be left alone with them...they are robbers and burglars and rapists and pedophiles...there should have been a second staff

Like I need to believe she did something for things to happen this way, like she started with them, or she foolishly sat in the wrong seat that didn't give her a good view of where all the boys were, I can't believe that God would just let this happen...like what purpose does this serve? People always say we are saints and what we do is such hard work and we are and it is, we truly believe that being nice to these boys can turn the tide, change their future...but then how does this happen? I'm just trying to make sense of this and I really really need help because right now it just feels like a loss of faith...like when my dad died i cried but it didnt feel like this I mean I could spin it a few ways, like he wasn't a good person and that's why he was sick and then dying meant he was free from suffering kind of thing or that he died so my brother and I could really live because when he was around it sometimes felt like prison, but renee she was young, she was a sweetheart, she wanted to make a difference, like she could have easily been me...and everyone I tell this to is so grateful it's not me they don't seem to see how I feel...I really just need some objective perspective on this...

Hater Guide--A must read to survive catty interactions--compiled by R. Moore

Definition of a Hater
A person that simply cannot be happy for another person's success. So rather than be happy they make a point of exposing a flaw in that person. Hating, the result of being a hater, is not exactly jealousy. The hater doesn’t really want to be the person he or she hates; rather the hater wants to knock someone else down a notch. They generally don’t like themselves so they try to make everyone else feel insecure.

Hater Scale
1—Piggyback Hater—hating is a 3rd party ordeal, they have no real connection to the situation but heard about it through a friend or other hater ..basically you wonder why they’re saying anything and dismiss their crazy talk..
1.5—Teacher, Boss, Acquaintance—someone who’s comments you generally don’t care about because they don’t really know you
2—Wannabe--A being who speaks badly, and/or takes negative actions in attempt to create problems for a successful person. One who either verbally and/or physically inhibits another individual's game or mode of operation primarily due to jealousy, envy, animosity, bitterness, resentment, and contempt. A level 2 hater will blatantly exhibit either one or all of the aformentioned traits—this person is blatantly obvious
3— Public Hater—general public feel the need to comment on your situation without knowing you. A person who feels anger and/or jealousy for someone who has succeeded in something they have worked hard for.
4—Backstabbing Hater---talks trash about you to any and everyone, not generally trusted or revered.
5—Friend’s Parent, someone who is not in the friend category but has known you for a significant amount of time
6—Silent Hater—generally a friend who will scoff or make noise when you talk about making a major move. A person who pretends to act happy for your successes than trash talks you behind your back. Someone who most likely doesn’t have shit to work with and has to hate on people who move up in the world.
7—Person who thinks they are your best friend, often says they are just concerned about your well-being, a person who is normally happy for you but happens to drink some “hateraid” --- This term could be used to describe anyone who hates on another person for 'good reasons’. They will turn your good qualities/choices around and make it look like something bad because they just aren’t happy with themselves and can't achieve anywhere near what you have.
8—Your Parent, someone who’s hating you are used to –while it bothers you, you dismiss it because you know you know better
9—Best Friend, Significant Other—see level 10--less severe because of time together
10—Best Friend since the sandbox, Brother/ Sister, People that you built a treehouse/fort with (aka have known for years)…will also hate on you because they are “looking out for you” however because of your history its that much harder to let it go, they often bring up random anecdotes from years before that can cloud your judgment more than any other level hater

Ways to Combat a Hater
Confront the hater on the spot, don’t give it time to stew or creep into your mind and undermine your success or happiness
In cases of the “concerned hater” a brief reminder that you are a grown-up and can make your own decisions, generally in a sarcastic manner such as “Last time I checked I changed my own diapers, I think I can make decisions on my own” or “Thanks Mom/Dad but I got this one”
Use what you know about the hater to make a point
In the case of a level 2 hater…it is often best to keep them as a frenemy if only for comedic purposes…and to remind yourself you aren’t that lame
Dismiss them all together…if it doesn’t look like they’ve bothered you, haters generally go away
Kill them with kindness
Pretend to take their “advice” and seem concerned
Have a bottle of juice/soda/wine labeled “hateraid” in your fridge/car/truck and pour them a glass as soon as they start speaking