Once I wished for someone who would love apple pancakes and wish on stars…
She wondered why she had wished for things like that…she wondered if the gods heard her or if it was simply the foolishness of a little pigtailed girl on her parent’s floral comforter staring out at the sky. It all seemed so elusive, why things in her professional life went so well…she was nearly published, the leader in every task or idea she had ever undertaken…except for one area….romance escaped her.
Her dearest friend Madeline once said she was a good first or second date girl….and that’s exactly who she was…for one reason or another she never got to that third date…there were a few she dated past that two date marker…but they never lasted even six months…
Once on a date with one particular guy she was head over heels for, Doug asked her if she had ever been in love…she responded no in less than a heartbeat…how could she have been in love? You could be in puppy love or lust but not real love in all of her situations. Most often she loved those who didn’t love her…but that didn’t mean she was in love…it just meant that she was foolish, pining over boys who would never feel the same about her, to her it was safe to love that way…safer than going out on a limb, saying how she felt, those times were awful.
Whenever she told guys how she felt whether it was in person, via email or a phone call, they never chose her, she was always the friend never the girlfriend…she didn’t understand…if she was so great to be around, so wonderful, so smart, so pretty… why didn’t they ever choose her?
Sometimes they chose her but never the ones she wanted…the ones who would come to hit her or say unkind words, those are the ones who picked her, those who were weak of character, somehow they always thought that she would in turn be weak and kowtow to them. But it was never the case, she might take it for a minute, satisfy some part of her and then be done with the whole affair. Sometimes she enlisted a friend, most often her brother to ensure they wouldn’t come back around. Sometimes those who were just weak of character needed some help moving on. Sometimes all it took was a frosty glare, a few icy words and cold shoulders and they would leave, it was her favorite method. Sometimes she even regretted it…but she always had to win.
She couldn’t let them think that they hurt her, even when she spent days crying herself to sleep. On the outside she needed to be the brave one, the strong one, the independent one. Showing emotion was a weakness to her. She cringed at the idea of someone seeing her cry; it made her feel all too vulnerable. Even when she spoke of the horrors of her childhood and the trauma of her adolescence she always sprinkled in a few jokes or some sarcasm because that was her shield. Twice she had broken down in front of men, telling her story but they never stuck around. They said they could handle everything she came with and everything she had been through but some things were better left unsaid…her life was one of them. No one could ever handle it, so she just stopped trying.
She started to tell herself that being professionally successful was enough, that being well liked by colleagues and friends and respected was enough, but she was wrong. What did it matter if you had everything in the world but no one to share it with? Sure she did all of these amazing things but who was standing by her proud? No one…and that hurt more than she could ever say out loud. She wanted someone but didn’t know who…who would support her as she would support him? Who would be there to console her when she failed, which was inevitable, she was indomitable but she was far from perfect. She wanted that…even though they’d inevitably disagree, and he would see her cry….she wanted it more than she could say. She just hoped that keeping the wish on the inside wouldn't prevent it from coming to fruition
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