I've got a case of the mean reds

I am in an awful awful mood…and I don’t know what to do

I’m antsy

I’m grumpy

I need a change…I need something to change…

I want to run away but I don’t think that will fix anything

I’m mad at Maikol…I was finally going to tell him how I felt, let him know that all of this courting/pseudo-dating actually meant something to me….that the fact that he pretends to be amazed by things my mom says and he tries to relate to my brother and brings chocolates for Thanksgiving

It meant something…it means something…I like him, like really really like him…more than I have liked anyone in a long time…and I don’t think he really realizes it
And he decides at the last moment that we aren’t hanging out today that he’s busy with schoolwork…which is understandable I guess…but I wanted to see him…I am so mad at him because Sundays are always our days…we go to movies and we get lunch and we try to practice my Spanish and his English…and he didn’t even say anything until I texted him and then he just told me he was in Ketter all night and still wasn’t done and that we can hang out next week…well I don’t want to hang out next week…I had been prepping myself all day, giving myself confidence boosting pep talks about how well my confession of like is going to go…and then this happens..I want to hang out this week, I want to go and see the Blindside and laugh about funny stories over Chinese and then bam I was going to drop the bomb…let’s date let’s make this real…I know it seems like I flirt with everyone but I only like him…

It’s going to take me a long time to build my momentum back up…I even picked out a cute outfit and I dyed my hair brown again and had it in cute pigtails and I even learned to say “do you like me” in Spanish

I’m mad and I know I only sort of have a reason to do so…but I responded back to him and was cute and he said nothing…maybe he’s still mad about Thursday at Ricardo’s…I really didn’t think it was such a big deal…maybe it is…



NOTE: Me flirting with everyone is a problem…its how I’ve gotten through life…it’s how guys respond to me…I flirt a little and they do what I want and its all good…they’re happy, I’m happy and things get done…but I get it…when he is sitting right there its not funny and its not cool and it hurts his feelings even if he won’t say so and will only be passive aggressive and semi-not talk to me on the ride home…I’ll work on it…but he also needs to know that all of my friends are guys…I can’t help that…and he has to adjust to it…but I’ll cut back on the flirting just a bit..especially when he’s around

Turkey for you, Turkey for me

So yesterday was thanksgiving….and Maikol met my entire family…which ok is only my mom and my brother but you know what I mean…this is a big deal for me…I can’t even say we’re dating yet…which I think we are…he hasn’t really said yet

I should also mention I ran the Turkey Trot in Buffalo...it was an 8K…that’s just under 5 miles…4.97 to be exact…I kind of wanted to die at some points…1/2 is uphill, ½ downhill…guess which one I hated? But finished it and I was pretty proud…and stinky…but accomplished

So fast forward to later…

So Maikol calls me to wish me a Happy Thanksgiving before he comes over…which is funny and cute and slightly unnecessary because he is going to see me in about an hour. He also tells me he is slightly panicking because he wants to bring my mom something which I think is super cute.

So he comes over and looks really cute and smells really good…and he brought a box of Ghirardelli chocolates for my mom and he makes small talk with her and she is crazy as always…I mean I love my mom, but as much as I love her there are times I would like to stab her with a fork ala baked potato fashion…but she was on pretty good behavior…she only made one off-color comment about Los Angeles and how people stare at you funny if you speak English…I just stared at her open mouthed but Maikol kept going without skipping a beat…he was a bit quiet at times which he told me was because he had a hard time following our English because we speak so quickly and use slang, I told him that’s how I feel when he and his friends speak Spanish around me.

So dinner was pretty successful…the only time he really seemed nervous is when we were hanging out in the living room and I was showing him my San Fran pics on FB and he was brushing my thigh with his knee and my brother came and sat down and started talking to us…I don’t know if my brother knew what he was doing and was just really slick about it…but Maikol swung his legs around so quickly it was really hysterical
So after dinner we went to Ricardo’s for enchiladas and some random hanging out…Maikol drove me which I thought was funny because he lives so close to Ricardo…but he said we should carpool…and he opened my door for me and waited until I got in and closed the door…it was cute…he also asked me how he was driving…apparently I must have made a comment before and he said that since I said something he has been cognizant of how he drives when I am in the car.

So at Ricardo’s…I am the only girl…as per usual…and Maikol seems acutely aware of it…I sit down next to Karhim and Maikol stands right behind us…watching to see if we are flirting or something (which would never happen)…I have no idea but he sticks close…Karhim and I are joking around at one point and Maikol is watching but pretending not to watch…I don’t get it…he should just say hey instead of pseudo-dating let’s just be boyfriend/girlfriend….it would make things so much easier but I am not sure what to think…Maikol counters by telling the boys he was at my house for dinner and met my family…Aragon showed up as well and he is talking about how he has been asking Ricardo about me and how he thinks I am so great and Maikol looks like he wants to die...or kill Aragon…I’m not quite sure

We started playing black jack for drinks and Maikol actually tells me that he thinks I have had enough…which of course I ignore because ummm duh I’m not driving and I kind of do what I want…so instead after a bit he is like well we should get going after one more hand because he has to get to bed early (its like 11:30) so I say fine and as we’re driving back he brings up Karhim and how he is moving back to Hong Kong…when I say I know he seems to calm down a bit…

Maybe I am too flirty with people and I don’t even realize…I think I am just friendly…I can’t help how it comes across…when I told my mom this today she told me I need to learn to dial it back and not make Maikol feel so insecure…I say Maikol hasn’t made his intentions known so whatevs...

Anyway, we get back to my place and he sits in the driveway for a minute and I just look at him…we talk about plans and what we’re doing this weekend…We’re going to have our usual Spanish/English class on Sunday and he adds that we can go see the movie I want, The Blindside (which we talked about at Ricardo’s but he didn’t seem to want anyone else to go, especially when Ricardo expressed interest)…I have to initiate the hug and he didn’t kiss me…apparently still a little mad…

Maybe I am being ridiculous...or maybe I am too flirty...who knows?…but Maikol should just say something…then we could stop this and he would know how I feel so it wouldn’t be this pseudo-dating guessing game

Ding Ding Ding went the trolley

So it has been quite sometime since I posted but things have been really crazy lately…life sometimes feels like it is going too fast for me to process, let alone blog about…if you have been on the edge of your seat in regards to my life(haha) I apologize

So my presentation in San Francisco went really well…I got a round of applause which no one else in my timeslot had gotten so that was pretty cool…one man told me he didn’t believe in my topic, didn’t believe in the creative class and doesn’t believe that the economy is any different than 40 years ago…I wanted to ask him if he was going to work at the factory later…but I decided not to open that can of worms

I had a great time in San Francisco, Aiesha coming up from San Jose to hang out with me was fantastic I don’t think I would have had as good of a time…we went all over…Berkeley and saw how crazy things are with the UC boycott and how “earthy” the area is….however their fro-yo is delicious…wandered around San Fran, took lots of pictures depicting how bizarre the city is…all in all a great time…and we caught up on a lot of things

Maikol called me while I was in San Francisco to give me a pep talk and check in which was super cute…his words of advice were to breathe and stay calm…which is completely fitting for me…if he would have said have a drink before you present he would have been 3 for 3…because I totally went to the liquor store and got one of those airport sized liquor bottles and hid in the ladies bathroom and downed some Absolut. If I would have had some Xanax things would have been perfect…I got a bit flustered and fumbled a bit but all in all a pretty solid showing. I did get a woman’s card who told me if I was interested in a PhD program at Urbana I should shoot her an e-mail. Another man from San Diego State gave me some pointers told me how much he enjoyed my presentation and gave me some people to talk to…which was good

So now…should I get my PhD or what??

A brief update...

I have so much to update that the idea of updating is overwhelming...my life has been a whirlwind as of late...


Highlights

--Went away to Petersburgh to see the Norlunds...Rev. J. Mark announced to the church that I was like his fourth child...that made me pretty excited/warm and fuzzy...very exciting to have sleep over girly times with meagan and mel...I missed those girls

---Mel came back to Buffalo with me for the week and while things have changed in the past year that she's been gone, things are still fantastic...I know she thinks that she isn't as necessary anymore and that people have gotten on with their lives but I missed her for the whole year, we might have continued living but it was still weird

--Maikol added me into his top 5 on his cell phone, which he showed me one day at lunch and said it was so that he can call me anytime forever...kind of cute right?

--Mike has been awkward and bizarre for the greater majority of the week...he was a bit better by Thursday and came out with us to Duff's

--Maikol and I were joking around the other day and he asked me if I like him...I had no response of course...I seriously just looked like what and blanked...I couldnt tell if I should give an answer...its difficult to explain the situation

--Ricardo told me the other night that he thinks I have the nicest breasts he has ever seen...I don't know how to respond to that either

--Maikol came over to my place for dinner this week...it was nice we had a big group dinner and he looked at baby pictures that my mom insists on displaying...he made fun of my nudity (as a baby kids...it wasn't that kind of show)

--Maikol told me that he thinks I should work in Buffalo until he gets his PhD and then we'll move to California together...umm that's four years away

--We're also going to NYC over winter break before his Mom comes to visit...this is taking a very semi-permanent direction

School is taking over my life...like I have 0 free time...it sucks...everything is due at one time...and my response to being overwhelmed is to avoid work until the very end...clearly a smart strategy...San Francisco is only 3 days away...then I am presenting my work on measuring attractive urban areas...I might throw up

Tomorrow I am getting my first Spanish lesson from maikol...susannah says its code like "spanish lesson"...we'll see...

Love is a gamble...either take a chance and roll the dice or walk away from the table...

But how do you know which table to play at?

I am currently (as if not always) confused on who I should really be with…dramatic I know but I feel like I should make a choice

So let’s go Rory Gilmore style and make a pro/con list…

Maikol
Pro
Getting his PhD in engineering (values education/ can mean a good job)
Wants me to meet his mom (is this a pro?)
Is helping me learn Spanish
I feel like there used to be a lot more pro's
Con
Was dating someone else and didn’t tell me until it was over
Doesn’t call to see how I am
Speaks Spanish around me and doesn’t translate anymore
Acts possessive about me talking to guys but ignores things when he is talking to girls (like when he brought that girl to the movies…was that double dating?)
Doesn’t do things I want to do (like pumpkin picking), only things he picks and then I get to pseudo pick an option

Mike
Pro
Masters degree (also values education)
Notices all of my quirks (even when he runs commentary on them)
Diffuses my sarcasm pretty quickly
Remembers lots of random facts about me
Hates scary movies
Can talk about anything for hours (and have)
Mirrors my body language (psychologically a sign of trust)
Con
Younger than me
Keeps me separate from his home friends (although I have met one of them)
Calorie Counting

OK I’ve come to realize this may not be the best system…I also realize my list focuses on what they do for me…which is that a good way to go?
Like am I being dramatic? I mean when I am with Maikol we have fun but I just don’t know lately…like am I just liking Mike because he pays more attention to me?
Someone told me to choose based on the greater good…how do you know which choice is for the greater good?

What even constitutes the greater good?

Eww I miss funny posts….this is all very annoying but its what I’m thinking about…

A Swine Flu Update

So I am stuck at home with the potential swine flu…I hate it…I am cold and achey and yesterday I couldn’t breathe, like really they tested my oxygen levels because I might have been dying couldn’t breathe…and they decided to remedy the situation by making me wear a mask

Now with some Sudafed, Nyquil and Flonase I am on the fast track to breathing normally…now I just need the chills to go away

So Sunday I didn’t hear from Maikol most of the day then he texted me to say we were going to a movie later that evening (yep say not ask) so I told him I would check my schedule and see if I could do it (please I don’t come running to his every beck and call…well maybe but I can’t let him think that…plus I was still annoyed with him from the night before)

So I end up going (as if this surprised anyone) and when I walk in he smiles at me and I kind of look away and he walks towards me and I don’t attempt to hug or kiss him…I don’t get what’s up with me…I kept thinking maybe this is how I will make my decision on everything, by seeing him tonight and instead I’m acting like this is the first time I’ve met him. And the conversation is awkward…like we’re never awkward and I can’t tell if it’s him or me…it seems like its him but I don’t know why

Jose shows up gives me a hug and kisses me on the cheek and Maikol is watching intently….and things become semi-normal and we talk about the night before and Maikol mentions that Jose didn’t get home until 7am and wasn’t I with him, and asks what time I got home, I said 5am and he seems relieved…I am not sure what he’s thinking…like did he think I tried to hook up with Jose? And if he was so concerned why didn’t he drive me back? Why did he disappear? WTF is his deal?

He also asked about me meeting up with Tim and Justin and I get the distinct feeling that he was jealous and semi-mad at me…like he doesn’t like my guy friends…not that I approve of some of his girl friends…like I know he went with Ana to a thing at El Buen Amigo earlier in the afternoon but what can I say about it? I mean maybe he just wants to connect with people who have similar interests but it bothers me nonetheless

So we go into the movie (Paranormal Activity) and its awful…like such a bad idea for me to see considering I am home alone so often…so he’s definitely in my personal space like arm taking over my arm rest and brushing against me/resting in the crook of my side…same with his leg…like if there wasn’t an arm rest between us we’d probably be semi-intertwined…so the movie is not to scary in the beginning but by the end the fear of the unknown is out of control

Jose fell asleep during it…which makes me think he didn’t get home at 7 and sleep all day like he said...

So we leave the theatre and stand in the lobby talking for a bit more, Maikol seems to be acting normal again and he definitely is standing in between me and Jose which I think is interesting…we talk about my paper I’m presenting in San Fran in a few weeks and Jose was all oh wow I didn’t know about that and Maikol is all well I thought it was interesting, you told me about it awhile ago…and I can’t help but to catch a weird vibe…

So we walk into the parking lot and Jose points out his car and gives me a kiss on the cheek and hug again and goes to walk away to which Maikol responds to pulling me in and giving me a kiss and I pull away and say hey we’re parked near each other so we’re going the same way…and he says oh that’s ok I just wanted to
And we stop at his car and he continues to talk to me about Jose and keeps touching me while talking…like its definitely a different Maikol than normal

He says he will see me soon and I hop into my car and we leave

Halloween part 2

So last night was Halloween and I celebrated it with a few friends and a few hundred strangers…I got all gussied up as a cowgirl which was a hit, mostly because my tied up shirt accentuated my chest (insert evil laugh) and my drawn on freckles and pigtails kept it semi-wholesome…Trish summed it up as sexy-alluring cuteness which I think is a decent description. Maybe I should have toned it down a bit because it led to quite an awkward moment for me…

The night started out pretty wholesome…hanging out at Stillwater with the bro-ham and his gf (who appropriately came dressed as a gold digger) and Chris, Eric and a surprising cameo from fellow classmate and all around elusive guy David (seriously can’t figure him out, he says he just wanted to come and see another side of us). So we had some drinks and danced…mostly the guys just held up the wall. New Mike texted me wishing me a Happy Halloween, which was really sweet…

Maikol and his crew were late as always…I am pretty sure that the more Latinos you add to a group the later they are…it’s definitely the case with this group…the entire crew of enginerds came as a prison chain gang and brought a blow up doll for Pepe’s birthday which they were calling their escort…which is really ridiculous…so they come and Maikol doesn’t even come over to me which annoys me…and this weirdness continues throughout the night…like I just don’t get what his deal was, he was stand-offish and aloof and I don’t know…it was just weird. He did meet my brother though and then seemed anxious about whether or not he made a good first impression and if not over time they could become friends…like I just don’t get it. Then he disappears to take a group of people to Chippewa and doesn’t say anything to me, so I end up leaving with Pepe.

We leave Stillwater and head to the Chip Strip which the cops already had closed down because it was sooo packed but we went in anyway…my brother left and so did Chris, Eric and David so it was just me and the boys…so we head to Bottoms Up and I am seriously about to wet my pants so I run to the bathroom and I run into Justin Ross…so we end up hanging out and he’s with Tim and Trish and Trish’s new pseudo-guy Terry so it’s all good times. So we’re all dancing and drinking and whatever and it is so crowded I hate it…and I’m starting to get tired so I am really hating it. I’m dancing with Tim most of the night and he’s so excited to be back in Buffalo and thinks we should hang out soon and I miss Tim so I say of course…he’s seriously like one of the nicest guys around. So he leaves because well he’s sane and wants to beat the crowd and I am stuck because I didn’t drive…I start dancing with Ricardo and Aragon and whomever when Ricardo grabs me and tells me to come with him. He’s grabbing my hand really hard and pulling me like turns out he’s a lot stronger than I realized. He’s trying to pull me onto the raised dance floor and I am pulling back and he says we need to go in the back where no one can see us…and I am like freaking out because he’s being really aggressive and no one is paying attention so I pull away and tell him I need to go to the bathroom and run off. When I come back out I can’t find anyone so I keep pushing my way through the crowd until I find Pepe…and he tells me that they’re gone…Maikol has taken Ricardo and a few people home and I can’t help but wonder if he saw Ricardo and decided to nip the situation or if Maikol was just being weird again…I text Maikol to ask about getting together tomorrow…and as of 2pm Sunday still no answer…so I guess it’s whatever

We all leave shortly after and when Pepe drops me off at my car, he holds my hand and thanks me for coming out for his birthday and how glad he is that I have joined their group and hang out and to make sure that I call him when I get home so he knows I made it home safe.

When I get home I call and it goes to voicemail so I hang up and he calls me right back to say he’s glad I made it home safe and that he’ll be sure to see me this week for lunch and I can’t help but think why can’t Maikol be more like that…like am I just being selfish? Like maybe you can’t have it all maybe I’m being dramatic…or maybe I’m just not sure about him anymore…I just feel like maybe I wanted something so badly I tried to force it when really it might not be for me…who knows I may change my mind in an hour or two haha

I just know I want someone who does care enough to have me call him when I get home and who sticks around to make sure I'm okay and is really sweet and cares about my life in general...I don't know I feel like part of my current unhappiness is just because he didn't answer me...I get really antsy about that stuff...or maybe him not answering is just highlighting something I am normally inclined to ignore? Who knows? I just know I need to figure things out and soon...

Bottomline: We stayed out waaaaaaaaaaaay too late…damn daylight savings time…I got home at the equivalent of like 5:30am…I am way too old for this…