I think I'm taking a break from guys for a bit...nothing ends up working right for me anyway...
In weird news Ira is back to e-mailing and calling me...I don't know what to think about this...he called to say he was getting his MBA from UB so he's be around for the next few years and he was going to stop trying to move away all the time...I don't know what he expected me to do or say...he's a funny kid but I think I need to focus on me right now...
Things are pretty awful over all...it's just everything...the job I don't have...the mounting bills...the need for a break from here...the lack of money...Mom sold her ring the other day for grocery money...the lack of focus....I cry like everyday...I just need a major change
Today I cleaned my room out, like I threw a lot of things away...and condensed and combined...like I'm just over feeling cluttered ...maybe it's like a spiritual cleansing...like I've heard the saying you can't let anything new into your life if you don't have the room...so maybe I am associating physical with mental space...either way I am hoping for something new...something that makes me look back at this time as a small test...and not the new status quo
Things are starting to become better I think...I have a job starting May 11th...I'm going to visit Meggo in Boston a bunch over the summer which will be lovely...Things with Urban Canvas Project are taking off...every week I find out about another settlement from my dad's wrongful death suit...so maybe in a few months things will look completely different
I also told Rob today about not being able to go to Florida and he took it better than I thought...he didn't get mad or punch things or freak out...he was just upset that Mom and I hadn't said anything until things had gotten so bad...but I think we're banding together and we can do this if we all work together.
I just have to have faith
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