A Little Creative Writing...

Once I wished for someone who would love apple pancakes and wish on stars…


She wondered why she had wished for things like that…she wondered if the gods heard her or if it was simply the foolishness of a little pigtailed girl on her parent’s floral comforter staring out at the sky. It all seemed so elusive, why things in her professional life went so well…she was nearly published, the leader in every task or idea she had ever undertaken…except for one area….romance escaped her.

Her dearest friend Madeline once said she was a good first or second date girl….and that’s exactly who she was…for one reason or another she never got to that third date…there were a few she dated past that two date marker…but they never lasted even six months…

Once on a date with one particular guy she was head over heels for, Doug asked her if she had ever been in love…she responded no in less than a heartbeat…how could she have been in love? You could be in puppy love or lust but not real love in all of her situations. Most often she loved those who didn’t love her…but that didn’t mean she was in love…it just meant that she was foolish, pining over boys who would never feel the same about her, to her it was safe to love that way…safer than going out on a limb, saying how she felt, those times were awful.

Whenever she told guys how she felt whether it was in person, via email or a phone call, they never chose her, she was always the friend never the girlfriend…she didn’t understand…if she was so great to be around, so wonderful, so smart, so pretty… why didn’t they ever choose her?

Sometimes they chose her but never the ones she wanted…the ones who would come to hit her or say unkind words, those are the ones who picked her, those who were weak of character, somehow they always thought that she would in turn be weak and kowtow to them. But it was never the case, she might take it for a minute, satisfy some part of her and then be done with the whole affair. Sometimes she enlisted a friend, most often her brother to ensure they wouldn’t come back around. Sometimes those who were just weak of character needed some help moving on. Sometimes all it took was a frosty glare, a few icy words and cold shoulders and they would leave, it was her favorite method. Sometimes she even regretted it…but she always had to win.
She couldn’t let them think that they hurt her, even when she spent days crying herself to sleep. On the outside she needed to be the brave one, the strong one, the independent one. Showing emotion was a weakness to her. She cringed at the idea of someone seeing her cry; it made her feel all too vulnerable. Even when she spoke of the horrors of her childhood and the trauma of her adolescence she always sprinkled in a few jokes or some sarcasm because that was her shield. Twice she had broken down in front of men, telling her story but they never stuck around. They said they could handle everything she came with and everything she had been through but some things were better left unsaid…her life was one of them. No one could ever handle it, so she just stopped trying.

She started to tell herself that being professionally successful was enough, that being well liked by colleagues and friends and respected was enough, but she was wrong. What did it matter if you had everything in the world but no one to share it with? Sure she did all of these amazing things but who was standing by her proud? No one…and that hurt more than she could ever say out loud. She wanted someone but didn’t know who…who would support her as she would support him? Who would be there to console her when she failed, which was inevitable, she was indomitable but she was far from perfect. She wanted that…even though they’d inevitably disagree, and he would see her cry….she wanted it more than she could say. She just hoped that keeping the wish on the inside wouldn't prevent it from coming to fruition

Feeling Pensive <3

So as we embark upon Christmas, I can’t help but reflect upon the past year…things have been pretty crazy…if there was ever any year that has completely changed me, it would be this one. When I was in the midst of this year I wasn’t sure if all of the changes are the best thing ever or the worst…the boys I have crushed on and have sometimes crushed me have been pretty extreme…from Tommy who really just wanted me to be his f-buddy and whom I thought was going to Chris Brown me at any moment to Chad who slept with me but didn’t sleep with me… then there were the crushing non-romantically related blows…from Renee’s death to losing my job to being on academic probation to being on top of my game, becoming my department’s president, presenting at two conferences and being internationally known for my research…this has been quite a whirlwind…but I think I have learned some things…

Like how academically I can do just about anything if I really try…and that while everyone thought I was being flighty when I went back to school…it ended up being a really good move and I’ve never learned so much about the way things (and people) work

That just because a guy likes you doesn’t mean you should like them…if it seems too “honeymoon” period, and he seems to like you sooo hardcore, sooo quickly…it could be a “gaslamp” syndrome

That listening to that little voice inside whether you call it intuition or whatever…can sometimes be the best thing for you

Sometimes the things that seem the worst turn out to be better for you than you realize…like if I didn’t lose my job it could have been me murdered by those crazy boys…not that I think Renee deserved it at all but part of me…and I don’t know if this is selfish or not, but I am so glad I got laid off before they decided to kill her and jack the company van.

And that being unemployed and crazy strapped for cash has been enlightening…it has made me more resourceful and also made me realize what is really important…it also highlighted my shopping problem as I found over 40 things that still had tags on them or were never opened but at the time I thought I NEEDED them…all I really needed was my friends and family…I gave all those unopened items and excess clothing to the local City Mission…people could totally use them more than I can…who wants to spend Christmas with nothing right? Maybe someone will like all the scarves I gave away…

Maybe this sounds hokey…but I think I get now that I had to go through some crazy awful stuff because there are some pretty awesome things in the works…things are on the up…it’s like seeing the light at the end of the tunnel…I’m pretty sure that things are going to be coming up roses in about a month…

And as for the boy update…basically I just need to realize that anytime I say definitely I am usually wrong…

Like when I said I definitely didn’t like Maikol anymore…I was wrong…I am just so confused with everything…I think because I want to move into a new phase in my life, one that includes a steady boyfriend I just get mad when things don’t work out the way I want them to…but that’s my issue right? The other day he told me he liked me and apologized for being lame lately…I don’t know how to feel about it all…I like him I honestly do…but how do I know who is the right person?

The bottomline is I don’t know who to choose and I don’t know who would be better…all I know is what I want in a guy/relationship…

Being taller than me…I know that sounds ridiculous but when a lot of boys are same height or a little shorter you value height…for you girls who are 5’3 you have no idea

Being able to appreciate what I do…it may not make the most sense all the time, but it should be appreciated…it’s not just doodling

Being able to feel really comfortable and being able to talk about things without ever feeling foolish

For things to not always be sexual…that was the problem with winter break mike…all he wanted was to sleep with me…we could never even watch a movie without him trying to attack me…and while at times it was fun, sometimes I just wanted to be cute and hang out

To be both romantic and open with his affection, I don’t mean PDA specifically but never to with hold his affection because he is made at me, someone who is passionate and compassionate

For him to be smarter than me in certain aspects…so that our intelligences are complimentary, like I’m art he’s science or something like that

For him to be gentlemanly…like knows to hold doors, walk on the outside of the street, or take the lead on things, so I don’t have to…not to the point where I am a second class citizen who doesn’t have her own thoughts but enough to know that I am precious and should be treated as such

For him to not only be smart but to have ambition…because you can be a genius but if you have no direction well…….there’s nothing worse than wasted talent
To be open to try new things…like taking a road trip across the country to celebrate a milestone, or ballroom dancing or crazy modern art museums, traveling

Who knows I need my alone time sometimes and that I like to hang out with just my friends sometimes…that we don’t need to be attached at the hip 24/7…although in the beginning it usually is that way…

This is just a working list…sometimes it changes…and obviously I have to bring some things to the table….I just thought I’d make a list…this is the 3rd time I have made a list…someone once told me that once you make a list God will know just what to bring you…maybe third time is a charm?

Merry Christmas Everyone!!

Breathless

I don’t know why I didn’t see it before…why I apparently couldn’t see the forest for the trees

So ok here’s the update…I definitely don’t like Maikol anymore…I think I was hanging onto it for so long because I just needed someone to crush on and because he was relatively available…I think we’re better as friends…there just was never that spark that I wanted…we got along well but there just wasn’t that WOW factor…and there were times that he seriously seemed shady…I recently heard this phrase that rejection is God’s protection….while there was no real rejection…its there really…I’m not sure how this fits yet but I am sure that it will…there have been plenty of times that I realized I have dodged a bullet because the guy is not who I wanted, or who I thought he was…and I am really confident that this will turn out the same way…even if I am not certain how yet…

Plus there’s the whole Chad situation to deal with…this is the forest/tree reference

It’s like he was there all along and I never realized because I was so fixated on everything and everyone else…

So I suppose I should explain…

So Friday night was the Jingle Jangle which is the grad student holiday party…but first the evening started at the work party…Chad came and we chatted and took some pics together (if we’re facebook friends you can check them out) flirted a bit and then went to the next party…hung out there for a bit, grabbed dinner and then headed out to jingle jangle

Now the remainder of the night is a bit fuzzy and a bit disjointed because well I apparently got blackout drunk…oops

So apparently in the beginning I was excited/coy and then I was completely unlike myself I was open and flirty…but with only one person! Like wtf I am never flirty with just one person and there are like a bazillion photos of us either in forefront or background being cute together…and apparently really drunk
Throughout the night he called me sweetheart or “his girl” especially when Mike came around and was being a jerk...and he told me I was smart and funny and he’d miss me when I left and he said I had nice boobs haha…and he kissed me twice <3

So we go to a few more bars…he paid for our taxi which was lovely…he let me sleep on him…and held my arm close to his on the walk to Brian’s…I changed into my pajamas and climbed onto the couch with him and we slept face to face with our legs in a tangle and his arm around me…seriously had a lovely sleep…at one point during the night I opened my eyes and he was watching me sleep, or we just happened to have our eyes open at the same time, I closed mine quickly and and nuzzled into the crook that his arm and chest made and went back to sleep.

The best/most confusing part of the night is that he didn’t try anything!! Like I didn’t feel molested at all…actually it was nice…but part of me wonders why he didn’t try anything…idk maybe I have never slept with someone of decent quality
The next morning which I thought was going to be awkward and frantic texted Meg about…was fine…he joked and smiled at me…and we walked to our cars and went for breakfast…it wasn’t weird at all

So we parted…I passed out…stayed in that night and got ready for cookie day on Sunday

I was nervous about him coming…he didn’t end up coming which is okay because it was kind of lame…but he did text and we chatted for a bit

So Monday I was in the big lab…and he walked in, I think my heart kind of did a stutter step as he burst into this giant smile and came over…still no awkwardness…just a quick chat while he looked for a free computer

That night he hit me up on facebook chat and I talked to him for like 2 hours, while freaking out about the situation on the phone with Mel…apparently when things are going well I don’t know how to react…and there’s the whole he made his facebook default a picture of us that he cropped out of the group shot…when I saw it I almost died..like what? I mean people can see that like shouldn’t he say something to me before broadcasting whatever it is that we’re doing on facebook default photos?

Which brings us to today…we came into school at about the same time…as soon as he saw me he started waving and smiling…that genuine crinkle at your eye smile…and we met up in the lab…joked a bit and then I went off to chat with Susannah…I ran down the hall and when I came back he was at a computer closer to mine (I realize in writing this that in another situation this might sound aggressive or stalker-ish but I think when it’s the attention you want, its ok)

So he’s headed down the hall and I’m headed to studio so we walk out at the same time…talk about his exam and school and I realize that he didn’t take off and follow Kailee to her studio he’s walking with me instead and walks me to class…seriously the cutest thing ever

So the whole forest/trees refernce...well its because he's always been around but just kind of quiet...like he's supportive and sweet but never overtly flirty with me...and then all of a sudden I realize it...

That’s the Chad update so far this week…maybe there will be more later this week…well that’s what I am hoping anyway

In a turn of events...

Haven’t heard from Maikol since he blew me off on Sunday…still bothered by it but a little less everyday…I texted him the other day to say hey and see what’s up…still not response like 4 days later….so I guess its whatever…I don’t like being ignored

So in an interesting turn of events…

I am at the APA mixer and Chad is there…now let’s explain Chad…we met during grad orientation, got pretty drunk, hung out, made friends, you know whatever

Since then we’ve been pseudo close…like chatting, sometimes he facebook chats me about randomness which I think is kind of weird but its whatev…like maybe that’s how he makes friends…which is cool…plus he’s super nice to me…like asks about my trip to San Fran (which who knew he paid attention to me really)…he always tells me how smart, funny…etc I am…which is nice of course…we have random chats…you know nothing crazy…

Here’s the highlights:

So tonight we’re at the mixer..and he is like my personal escort…like very friendly and jokey and sweet…we start talking about how no one wants to run for my office to which he replies “well I don’t think it would be the same if you’re gone” so I stare blankly and he’s all “well you’re so motivated and fun and you care about people” so I just laugh and say I can’t stay forever

So fast forward 10 minutes and we’re talking about the Jingle Jangle Jam next week (it’s our grad holiday party)…and we’re talking about what to wear…so I tell him I don’t know I am trying to decide between two outfits so he asks what they are….1) a corset and jacket with dress pants type outfit OR 2) pewter dress with a sweater with little jewel things on them…so I ask him his opinion and he says “whichever is more revealing”…(to which I did an internal WTF…is it just me or was that slightly flirty/inappropriate?)

So then we’re talking with some other people again about the Jingle Jangle…and Mike talks about how its open bar and what level of intoxication we’re going to be at…so Chad looks at me and says oh we’ll be at a high level of intoxication and smiles at me….(ummm what?)

So then we’re talking about a plan for how we’re going to be highly intoxicated and still get around…so I tell him Brian’s plan for us to take the train and then just get crazy drunk…and then stay at Brian’s house if necessary

So I’m an ass (I mean duh if you know me you know what I mean)…so I say he can stay over at Brian’s with me and Mike and we can all spoon together…to which he gives me “the face” and is like I can’t think of anything better….(WTF? )

He and Mike actually both bring up my corset as to what kind of a corset it might be…if it was a dominatrix type outfit…or what…for the record it’s classy, its champagne colored with black lace overlay…and paired with my black sateen jacket it would be super cute and a little revealing

So we’re talking in a large group and they’re all busting me for texting so much…and it’s really annoying actually because they act like my texting is a character flaw…so I look around and Chad is just standing there…so I say I’m going to talk to Chad and ignore you guys because he’s never mean to me…and he says “and I never would be Kim” and gives me a little smile and wink(which was kind of sweet, I normally think winks are a little creepy but this was kind of endearing)

So then we’re talking about working in the lab all weekend to which I say well Chad and I are always together in the lab we’re going to try to be BFFs and he’s all “I think we are already, aren’t we?” So I say of course

So ok…weird…like this is out of nowhere…he never makes comments like this to me and now all of a sudden multiple awkward/semi-flirty comments

I mean I could like him, he’s super cute…taller than me (a HUGE plus)…he’s blond which is new for me, but it’s a darker blond so it’s ok…he has a few tattoos which I think are kinda hot…I’ve seen two or three of them I think…he’s really smart and he’s really nice…this is sudden though…or at least out of the blue…I mean we’re always cool but he never makes pseudo-sexual comments to me

I also need to process this because sometimes I worry that I crush on someone new when things aren’t working out with my current crush and not because feelings are there…so I will have to take it slow and see what’s up…

:(

What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you?

I'm falling to pieces...

When a heart breaks no it don't break even