An Epiphany?

So today was commencement which was completely ridiculous, the wind blew over the tent and the ceremonies got split up and well it was just tons of chaos...the thought that lingers in my mind...why didn't he acknowledge me? I mean I guess it was a crazy day but like no photos together and it was just awkward...I just don't get it...like how are things always so bizarre?

Well of course after that interaction I assumed that he doesn't in fact have feelings for me...or that maybe him saying we'd hang out was a way to save face, because honestly after today when will he ever have to see me again? Pretty much never...

Then I got to thinking that maybe he'll never love me and I'll be alone forever and I got all mopey and hid out in Borders for a few hours...

then I realized that I am insane...I let my perception of everything take over the reality of things...I think maybe I am putting too much pressure on everything...and I'm so fixated I think because he's one of the first guys to like me back...I mean someone I really liked...generally its that unrequited love that I am used to...maybe I am so focused on getting it to that point where people stay over and need to be around each other every moment...but that takes time right? I mean not everyone can sync up from day one...I think in all honesty it takes time and bonding and mutual goals,interests, etc

I don't know how this all came out of me right now...I sat down to write to talk about how maybe he just doesn't love me and can't love me and I'm trying to force it sooo hard..and that alcohol just makes it easier for him...but maybe I'm wrong about that...I think sometimes I know exactly what I am doing and other times not so much...

However I did have an epiphany at Borders...or maybe just insight...it's this book about the art of letting go...and at first it sounds super lame because its all about ruling your life through love and not fear...and they tell this story about this woman who spends so much time trying to be the perfect girlfriend that she nearly loses the man she loves. She kept thinking if she was perfect adn never showed any flaws that he would want to marry her...well 2 years into the relationship she wanted to marry and he wasn't sure...she is furious and he gets called to war...so she begins to write him letters of whats on her mind and all this random stuff and he returns 6 months later with a ring...he said those letters let him see into her personality in a way that she never let him in before and then he knew she was a real person and that he wanted to marry her....

So I started thinking about how I frequently keep people away...because I'm afraid...so the book recommended making a list of all the ways and reasons you are afraid...here goes...

What are you most afraid of?

--having people think I am dumb
--being alone
--not being good enough
--not fitting in
--people thinking my family, background, life isn't good enough
--that I am unlovable
--that I'm not pretty enough
--that my friends won't approve of my choices

--in general...of not being enough

So I do play the part like things are perfect, I don't let people in too close or let them know too much (except for Mel and Meg who I think no my whole life...yet still love me for it, or in spite of it)

I don't know how to let my guard down...I'm just so afraid someone will think I am weird or dumb or something...it's easier to just be strong and perfect and funny...being the happy girl ya know? No one wants to hang out with the mopey girl...although I don't think I am entirely mopey...just sometimes I would like someone to give me a hug and tell me things will be okay...Brian does that sometimes and I don't think he thinks anything of it...but I appreciate it more than he knows

I think some of it comes from never feeling I was good enough when we moved here...I think that's why I hate it here so much sometimes...My earlier childhood I can't remember not feeling pretty happy...I had lots of friends, my city seemed like an adventure, my parents were jacked up but I always had Chava's house to go to...

Then we moved here and suddenly I was called nigger and people made fun of me and my dad said I was a lump...I don't really understand the whole lump comment I just remember it hurt me deeply...the kids that lived in our complex were rude and said I shook the ground when I played tennis (I stopped playing tennis after that summer)...boys didn't like me...I had a growth spurt and it made me freakishly tall, my friends stopped being friends with me, my dad got sicker and had cancer and multiple surgeries, my parents fought and separated and we went to court and got shuffled around, my parents played us against one of them, I was assaulted and my assaulter told everyone I was easy (which made school life great), I gained weight to hide out, I smoked and drank, I binged and purged, my dad left us one day, and died a year later, I went down this endless shame spiral of really bad choices...I hated school and just floundered around

My real turning point was when I met Meg and Lauren...things just changed, suddenly people were nice and funny and liked me and we wandered around town and did new things and for once life was exciting...I mean life has gotten better and then worse and then better...right now I think it is on its way to better although for a while it was pretty bad...

But I have to let all of that go and just be happy in the moment..be happy that I have friends who love me and school is going well and I'm starting a new job and there are all of these possibilities

My goals:
To be published
Build my own home
Travel excessively
Marry my partner in crime (well meeting him first would be good)
Have a family
Just be deliriously happy

However, those are just the basics, I mean I'm sure I have other goals but those are the majors...like I'm not sure if I want to get my PhD or start working, construction or planning research, or build a home before I have a family or vice versa

I have decided I am going to be more open and accept the invitations I normally decline, hang out with people I normally wouldn't, give things a chance, stop freaking out because things aren't going the way I think they should (whether its timeframe or whatever) and in general, stop being such a snob and just live life...I think if this doesn't work well...I have time to come up with a new plan

I'm also going to let people see more of the real me...if they don't like it well....I'm tired of being a social butterfly anyway