I think I'm taking a break from guys for a bit...nothing ends up working right for me anyway...
In weird news Ira is back to e-mailing and calling me...I don't know what to think about this...he called to say he was getting his MBA from UB so he's be around for the next few years and he was going to stop trying to move away all the time...I don't know what he expected me to do or say...he's a funny kid but I think I need to focus on me right now...
Things are pretty awful over all...it's just everything...the job I don't have...the mounting bills...the need for a break from here...the lack of money...Mom sold her ring the other day for grocery money...the lack of focus....I cry like everyday...I just need a major change
Today I cleaned my room out, like I threw a lot of things away...and condensed and combined...like I'm just over feeling cluttered ...maybe it's like a spiritual cleansing...like I've heard the saying you can't let anything new into your life if you don't have the room...so maybe I am associating physical with mental space...either way I am hoping for something new...something that makes me look back at this time as a small test...and not the new status quo
Things are starting to become better I think...I have a job starting May 11th...I'm going to visit Meggo in Boston a bunch over the summer which will be lovely...Things with Urban Canvas Project are taking off...every week I find out about another settlement from my dad's wrongful death suit...so maybe in a few months things will look completely different
I also told Rob today about not being able to go to Florida and he took it better than I thought...he didn't get mad or punch things or freak out...he was just upset that Mom and I hadn't said anything until things had gotten so bad...but I think we're banding together and we can do this if we all work together.
I just have to have faith
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Sunday, April 5, 2009
You win some, you lose some
OK well the movie he brought was Tin Cup...I've never seen that and well whatever it was about golf with a bit of rom com haha....he is less cute than I thought he was via video phone...can videos be deceiving? We ended up kissing a little bit and his hands attempted to wander but I nipped that in the bud (I'm not easy!!)...and he behaved...however you know what a makeout whore I am so I can't help that...I think kissing is fun...but anyway
So I can't tell if I think it went well or not, he kissed me goodbye and he texted me a couple times already...we'll probably talk later...and he's a really good cuddler haha like nothing serious but just some couch type arm around my shoulders cuddling nothing horizontal...we had really good conversation like he's pretty smart...made the unfortunate choice of a history degree though lol...so he works with kids
kind of like my job...or old job I guess...we talked about golf and the problem with education and he thinks I am smart...only thing was at one point he was like well sometimes I disappear for a few days but I don't want you to think I've disappeared or something...and then he was like well because I met this one girl...and starts talking about past people which I thought was weird or maybe inappropriate
hmmm maybe this is the only weird thing I felt like there was something else I wanted to tell you....but I can't remember...however during my date Sam totally texted me...I felt like that was fitting for some reason...
oh and I remember what else bothered me...he wore a damn sweatshirt and jeans while I looked very cute...I feel like damn you can't put some effort into your appearance? WTF...and he's from Avon...like Tim...but he eh...I don't like him
I can't explain it...its like going out with him made me realize how much i want to date Sam...but I can't because he's with that hooker face Danielle...what am I going to do?
Update: So Greg just texted me and was like "you know I don't want anything serious right now right? I really just want to hang out and see"
Unfortunately, I want something serious...I'm tired of just macking it...I want a boyfriend like a real puts effort into things, thinks I'm adorable, wants to spend time with me kind of guy...not a when it's convenient for him kind of guy....
So all in all I learned a lot from this date...who I don't want to be with, what works and doesn't work and how much I really want to be with Sam....I mean the chemistry is there for us...I just don't know what to do
So I can't tell if I think it went well or not, he kissed me goodbye and he texted me a couple times already...we'll probably talk later...and he's a really good cuddler haha like nothing serious but just some couch type arm around my shoulders cuddling nothing horizontal...we had really good conversation like he's pretty smart...made the unfortunate choice of a history degree though lol...so he works with kids
kind of like my job...or old job I guess...we talked about golf and the problem with education and he thinks I am smart...only thing was at one point he was like well sometimes I disappear for a few days but I don't want you to think I've disappeared or something...and then he was like well because I met this one girl...and starts talking about past people which I thought was weird or maybe inappropriate
hmmm maybe this is the only weird thing I felt like there was something else I wanted to tell you....but I can't remember...however during my date Sam totally texted me...I felt like that was fitting for some reason...
oh and I remember what else bothered me...he wore a damn sweatshirt and jeans while I looked very cute...I feel like damn you can't put some effort into your appearance? WTF...and he's from Avon...like Tim...but he eh...I don't like him
I can't explain it...its like going out with him made me realize how much i want to date Sam...but I can't because he's with that hooker face Danielle...what am I going to do?
Update: So Greg just texted me and was like "you know I don't want anything serious right now right? I really just want to hang out and see"
Unfortunately, I want something serious...I'm tired of just macking it...I want a boyfriend like a real puts effort into things, thinks I'm adorable, wants to spend time with me kind of guy...not a when it's convenient for him kind of guy....
So all in all I learned a lot from this date...who I don't want to be with, what works and doesn't work and how much I really want to be with Sam....I mean the chemistry is there for us...I just don't know what to do
Saturday, April 4, 2009
Should I just keep Chasing Pavements?
So I met this really fun guy Greg online...and while I don't normally believe in online dating website kind of things I was bored and realized I really needed a change...so I tried it and well I think Greg is pretty decent. I did meet one other guy but he was a total douche, he's one of those guys who makes his profile all about how he wants a soulmate to lure sappy girls in and then really just wants to hump and dump...and I am not one of those kind of girls ya know?
So but I digress....Greg...well he's funny we have a lot in common, he's 30 which is nice because a lot of guys I know are so young and that gets old ya know? So he's really cute..we video chatted for a bit and now we are potentially meeting on Sunday ahh! Which makes me nervous but he told me he's patient and he understands because he just wants me to be comfortable with him...he's also taller than me 6'1!!! Which is lovely and he thinks my 5'6 is the perfect height for a girl...he also doesn't go too long without telling me how cute I am which of course how can a girl not enjoy that...and he's about going slow and understands boundaries and idk it's just really nice for a change...he's not confusing but he's also not a stalker and he thinks one night stands are a bad idea...which they are, I mean I'm not condemning anyone who has done them I just know that that is not what I want...Idk I could talk about him all day he's just super fun and doesn't seem psychotic haha although I did ask him if he was crazy, because well you never know. He lives near Batavia which is kind of far but he travels for work and says he can always drive up here and visit and here's the cutest part...he said during the week when he comes to visit we can hang out until my bedtime and then he'll drive back because he doesn't want to push things....seriously how nice is that?
I'm slightly leery that he'll be lying or things will be awful but I am also seriously hopeful because he really seems like a great guy....we'll see...I'll keep you posted :)
So but I digress....Greg...well he's funny we have a lot in common, he's 30 which is nice because a lot of guys I know are so young and that gets old ya know? So he's really cute..we video chatted for a bit and now we are potentially meeting on Sunday ahh! Which makes me nervous but he told me he's patient and he understands because he just wants me to be comfortable with him...he's also taller than me 6'1!!! Which is lovely and he thinks my 5'6 is the perfect height for a girl...he also doesn't go too long without telling me how cute I am which of course how can a girl not enjoy that...and he's about going slow and understands boundaries and idk it's just really nice for a change...he's not confusing but he's also not a stalker and he thinks one night stands are a bad idea...which they are, I mean I'm not condemning anyone who has done them I just know that that is not what I want...Idk I could talk about him all day he's just super fun and doesn't seem psychotic haha although I did ask him if he was crazy, because well you never know. He lives near Batavia which is kind of far but he travels for work and says he can always drive up here and visit and here's the cutest part...he said during the week when he comes to visit we can hang out until my bedtime and then he'll drive back because he doesn't want to push things....seriously how nice is that?
I'm slightly leery that he'll be lying or things will be awful but I am also seriously hopeful because he really seems like a great guy....we'll see...I'll keep you posted :)
Friday, April 3, 2009
I don't know what to feel anymore...
I just realized I haven't posted in days after my posting binge...
Things are weird as always...I think that Sam might have stopped seeing that girl...I can't be sure but he has been a lot friendlier with me and then on the phone I heard him say "no we got along well" 1-past tense? 2-if someone asks you about the person about the person you like do you say you get along? shouldn't it be I like hanging out with them or we have fun together? So if they aren't broken up yet it's imminent...plus he has been touching me more...like when he went to touch my face like in a tender way open palm side of my face kind of deal and then I made a face and he seemed to catch himself and pinched my cheek instead but seemed generally flustered. and he asked me out to starbucks yesterday...we haven't gone out for quite a bit...and last night we actually talked on the phone...normally we text...and it was funny because he seemed nervous like long pauses and such...he also has completely stopped talking about her which is good...oh and he looked like he was going to pass out when chris said I woke him up yesterday he seemed more than a little surprised until I explained it was via text and I made a comment about his face and he wouldn't make eye contact with me...we'll see...we have a school date today after class...oh and I forgot he is going to be my research buddy for the summer...WHAT?! lol so I'll keep you posted
although in other news....Doug....idk wtf is up with him...he's being oddly nice to me lately...and commenting on my fb status about seeing me in person and stuff like it's weird and whenever I am with Sam he stares at me like he wants to talk to me but isn't sure what is going on with me and Sam so he just kinda stares which is sad really...like idk if he feels like he missed his chance....because he did...I mean i cared about him a lot but now I only seem to feel sorry for him...
Other than that life is pretty good...no one is hiring but we'll see, maybe something will come up
or potentially I could go to the STIPDG...I think I am getting it but my states are so far away....I mean at the time it sounded like a good idea but things have changed a lot...it's a good opportunity so we'll see I mean if that's all I have well then that's what I am taking...I don't have a choice really...I did however qualify for unemployment...so now I'll get a paycheck and get to work on my homework haha
OK time for school
Things are weird as always...I think that Sam might have stopped seeing that girl...I can't be sure but he has been a lot friendlier with me and then on the phone I heard him say "no we got along well" 1-past tense? 2-if someone asks you about the person about the person you like do you say you get along? shouldn't it be I like hanging out with them or we have fun together? So if they aren't broken up yet it's imminent...plus he has been touching me more...like when he went to touch my face like in a tender way open palm side of my face kind of deal and then I made a face and he seemed to catch himself and pinched my cheek instead but seemed generally flustered. and he asked me out to starbucks yesterday...we haven't gone out for quite a bit...and last night we actually talked on the phone...normally we text...and it was funny because he seemed nervous like long pauses and such...he also has completely stopped talking about her which is good...oh and he looked like he was going to pass out when chris said I woke him up yesterday he seemed more than a little surprised until I explained it was via text and I made a comment about his face and he wouldn't make eye contact with me...we'll see...we have a school date today after class...oh and I forgot he is going to be my research buddy for the summer...WHAT?! lol so I'll keep you posted
although in other news....Doug....idk wtf is up with him...he's being oddly nice to me lately...and commenting on my fb status about seeing me in person and stuff like it's weird and whenever I am with Sam he stares at me like he wants to talk to me but isn't sure what is going on with me and Sam so he just kinda stares which is sad really...like idk if he feels like he missed his chance....because he did...I mean i cared about him a lot but now I only seem to feel sorry for him...
Other than that life is pretty good...no one is hiring but we'll see, maybe something will come up
or potentially I could go to the STIPDG...I think I am getting it but my states are so far away....I mean at the time it sounded like a good idea but things have changed a lot...it's a good opportunity so we'll see I mean if that's all I have well then that's what I am taking...I don't have a choice really...I did however qualify for unemployment...so now I'll get a paycheck and get to work on my homework haha
OK time for school
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