Damn you technology

So first...I never thought anyone read my blog (except for Meg...or Mel when I forced her) so to get a comment from Annah (who's blog is awesome btw) was really cool...you should check out her blog as well...if I was savvy and knew how to make her name the link I totally would...but you can check my last post for her comment/link

So just an update...I've been hanging out with someone new...we'll call him OneStep (because he always seems to take jokes one step too far)and I think it's good but it's also super difficult for me...because I have to think about it actually working and that means one day I'm going to have to talk about my feelings...something I hate to do...

So far we've been out to the movies twice, out to a ball game, and on Friday he showed me his new apartment...we hung out and talked for awhile...his phone rang and it was a mutual friend so he gave it to me to answer...which always works for me because I get to act ridiculous...afterward we went to dinner (he paid, snatched the bill off of the table to be exact to prevent me from attempting to pay) he held doors, walked on the outside of the street, all of those things that I secretly pay attention to...he talked about the future...about getting a puppy, he asked me if I was allergic (I later found out he is in his lease for a year so he meant after that...long term??) We wandered around Target because he needed gift wrap for a birthday party the next day, he let me take over all the shopping duties and he paid...I made one comment about liking Avatar and he picked it up...I teased him about it and he said he was trying to expand his blu-ray collection and liked that I recommended it...I think it's kind of cute...we go back to his house and watch Slumdog...which I had never seen before...so it was like out of an episode of boy meets world...we started on opposite sides of the couch and slowly moved closer...it was hysterical...finally I decided to do the full lean on his shoulder/lap for the rest of the movie...when the movie was over we chatted for a bit and watched some Leno...then I left and he walked me to the door and gave me a big hug and then pulled back and I was thinking here's my chance to kiss him and all of a sudden he turned and looked at me and I totally chickened out and gave him another hug instead...I felt really lame

So last night I was out with Carianne and we were talking about OneStep and she said I should ask him to do something so I texted and he said he was busy...so I was kind of annoyed and it felt like rejection so I was kind of in a huff...so i went home and entertained myself with boys online...and I checked my phone as I was going to be and he had texted to ask if I was on googlechat...which i thought I was but my phone had logged me in and then not given me access to it...so finally this morning I was able to look at it and he had left a message saying that he thought dessert with me was better than any work he was doing around the house and was I still interested...I was really annoyed that I missed it...so I sent him a message that I never got his message last night and did he want to do something today...I think he's sore with me because he hasn't responded...

Sigh...this is more difficult than I thought...it seems like everyone is touchy...including me

If you don't look out for yourself...who will?

So I've come to a realization...

it's not worth it

I don't want to be with someone who makes me work for their affection...its not fair and I definitely deserve better

This was sparked by quite a few things that have been happening lately...

1) Just Wright--a movie starring Queen Latifah, who is the all around great homegirl who is always the friend and never the girlfriend (aka the story of my life)...the story heats up when she meets this amazing guy (played by Common) who is perfect for her and vice versa but he is interested in her gorgeous skinnier godsister (played by Paula Patton)...after the godsister walks out on him and he's left with no one else he realizes how amazing Latifah is but as soon as Paula comes back into the picture he dumps Latifah after wining and dining her as well as hooking up with her...she's crushed and he realizes how shallow Paula is and how amazing she is (this is the part of the story that never happens to me) and fights to win her back...they get married and live happily ever after...why does the chubby girl have to work so much harder? Latifah's character was amazing, smart, funny, down to earth, successful...like what the hell does she have to do to find someone worthwhile who thinks that she's worthwhile too

2) Reunion--just realizing im 10 years out is weird...there are some people who have between 2-4 people...some at least had relationships...there were a few of us who were single but I just really thought I would have been somewhere by now...seeing the boys was weird because they realized that they consider me as "one of the boys" so they can chat with me but then some hoochie comes by and its all over...

3) Cisco--this damn back and forth...he either needs to say how he feels or leave me alone...im done...he keeps planning days and then cancelling or telling me he's too busy...well he can go fuck himself...im done...if hanging out with me was important there would be time...and he wouldn't double-book days and then decide what sounds more appealing...I deserve more respect than that

4) Okoa--I have no idea...we have this amazing time and then he acts like he can't be bothered...well if thats the case...neither can I

5) Casey--so there's this kid at work, we started on the same day which helped us bond...and he seems like a really awesome person..I totally thought we could bond over our newness, we grabbed lunch together and then he asked me to help him with GIS...and he wanted to go to Allentown with me..I was like oh awesome!
So then he bailed on Allentown and then we met today to work on the GIS which basically was me doing the work and him taking the credit and all of a sudden it felt so familiar...all those times I wanted boys to like me I used what I had (brains) hoping that by helping them they would like me...and I suddenly felt very very foolish...this wasn't going to make him like me...it just made me a sucker..I was giving away my knowledge for free, to someone who would more than likely never reciprocate....it didn't work in 7th grade with my global outlines and it didn't work in grad school with land use management memos...all I ever felt was used...

So effective today...I am taking a break...it may be hard but it has to be done

All of this phony reciprocation in movies and TV has just messed me up...but the lack of real life reciprocity is even worse