Hater Guide--A must read to survive catty interactions--compiled by R. Moore

Definition of a Hater
A person that simply cannot be happy for another person's success. So rather than be happy they make a point of exposing a flaw in that person. Hating, the result of being a hater, is not exactly jealousy. The hater doesn’t really want to be the person he or she hates; rather the hater wants to knock someone else down a notch. They generally don’t like themselves so they try to make everyone else feel insecure.

Hater Scale
1—Piggyback Hater—hating is a 3rd party ordeal, they have no real connection to the situation but heard about it through a friend or other hater ..basically you wonder why they’re saying anything and dismiss their crazy talk..
1.5—Teacher, Boss, Acquaintance—someone who’s comments you generally don’t care about because they don’t really know you
2—Wannabe--A being who speaks badly, and/or takes negative actions in attempt to create problems for a successful person. One who either verbally and/or physically inhibits another individual's game or mode of operation primarily due to jealousy, envy, animosity, bitterness, resentment, and contempt. A level 2 hater will blatantly exhibit either one or all of the aformentioned traits—this person is blatantly obvious
3— Public Hater—general public feel the need to comment on your situation without knowing you. A person who feels anger and/or jealousy for someone who has succeeded in something they have worked hard for.
4—Backstabbing Hater---talks trash about you to any and everyone, not generally trusted or revered.
5—Friend’s Parent, someone who is not in the friend category but has known you for a significant amount of time
6—Silent Hater—generally a friend who will scoff or make noise when you talk about making a major move. A person who pretends to act happy for your successes than trash talks you behind your back. Someone who most likely doesn’t have shit to work with and has to hate on people who move up in the world.
7—Person who thinks they are your best friend, often says they are just concerned about your well-being, a person who is normally happy for you but happens to drink some “hateraid” --- This term could be used to describe anyone who hates on another person for 'good reasons’. They will turn your good qualities/choices around and make it look like something bad because they just aren’t happy with themselves and can't achieve anywhere near what you have.
8—Your Parent, someone who’s hating you are used to –while it bothers you, you dismiss it because you know you know better
9—Best Friend, Significant Other—see level 10--less severe because of time together
10—Best Friend since the sandbox, Brother/ Sister, People that you built a treehouse/fort with (aka have known for years)…will also hate on you because they are “looking out for you” however because of your history its that much harder to let it go, they often bring up random anecdotes from years before that can cloud your judgment more than any other level hater

Ways to Combat a Hater
Confront the hater on the spot, don’t give it time to stew or creep into your mind and undermine your success or happiness
In cases of the “concerned hater” a brief reminder that you are a grown-up and can make your own decisions, generally in a sarcastic manner such as “Last time I checked I changed my own diapers, I think I can make decisions on my own” or “Thanks Mom/Dad but I got this one”
Use what you know about the hater to make a point
In the case of a level 2 hater…it is often best to keep them as a frenemy if only for comedic purposes…and to remind yourself you aren’t that lame
Dismiss them all together…if it doesn’t look like they’ve bothered you, haters generally go away
Kill them with kindness
Pretend to take their “advice” and seem concerned
Have a bottle of juice/soda/wine labeled “hateraid” in your fridge/car/truck and pour them a glass as soon as they start speaking

An Epiphany?

So today was commencement which was completely ridiculous, the wind blew over the tent and the ceremonies got split up and well it was just tons of chaos...the thought that lingers in my mind...why didn't he acknowledge me? I mean I guess it was a crazy day but like no photos together and it was just awkward...I just don't get it...like how are things always so bizarre?

Well of course after that interaction I assumed that he doesn't in fact have feelings for me...or that maybe him saying we'd hang out was a way to save face, because honestly after today when will he ever have to see me again? Pretty much never...

Then I got to thinking that maybe he'll never love me and I'll be alone forever and I got all mopey and hid out in Borders for a few hours...

then I realized that I am insane...I let my perception of everything take over the reality of things...I think maybe I am putting too much pressure on everything...and I'm so fixated I think because he's one of the first guys to like me back...I mean someone I really liked...generally its that unrequited love that I am used to...maybe I am so focused on getting it to that point where people stay over and need to be around each other every moment...but that takes time right? I mean not everyone can sync up from day one...I think in all honesty it takes time and bonding and mutual goals,interests, etc

I don't know how this all came out of me right now...I sat down to write to talk about how maybe he just doesn't love me and can't love me and I'm trying to force it sooo hard..and that alcohol just makes it easier for him...but maybe I'm wrong about that...I think sometimes I know exactly what I am doing and other times not so much...

However I did have an epiphany at Borders...or maybe just insight...it's this book about the art of letting go...and at first it sounds super lame because its all about ruling your life through love and not fear...and they tell this story about this woman who spends so much time trying to be the perfect girlfriend that she nearly loses the man she loves. She kept thinking if she was perfect adn never showed any flaws that he would want to marry her...well 2 years into the relationship she wanted to marry and he wasn't sure...she is furious and he gets called to war...so she begins to write him letters of whats on her mind and all this random stuff and he returns 6 months later with a ring...he said those letters let him see into her personality in a way that she never let him in before and then he knew she was a real person and that he wanted to marry her....

So I started thinking about how I frequently keep people away...because I'm afraid...so the book recommended making a list of all the ways and reasons you are afraid...here goes...

What are you most afraid of?

--having people think I am dumb
--being alone
--not being good enough
--not fitting in
--people thinking my family, background, life isn't good enough
--that I am unlovable
--that I'm not pretty enough
--that my friends won't approve of my choices

--in general...of not being enough

So I do play the part like things are perfect, I don't let people in too close or let them know too much (except for Mel and Meg who I think no my whole life...yet still love me for it, or in spite of it)

I don't know how to let my guard down...I'm just so afraid someone will think I am weird or dumb or something...it's easier to just be strong and perfect and funny...being the happy girl ya know? No one wants to hang out with the mopey girl...although I don't think I am entirely mopey...just sometimes I would like someone to give me a hug and tell me things will be okay...Brian does that sometimes and I don't think he thinks anything of it...but I appreciate it more than he knows

I think some of it comes from never feeling I was good enough when we moved here...I think that's why I hate it here so much sometimes...My earlier childhood I can't remember not feeling pretty happy...I had lots of friends, my city seemed like an adventure, my parents were jacked up but I always had Chava's house to go to...

Then we moved here and suddenly I was called nigger and people made fun of me and my dad said I was a lump...I don't really understand the whole lump comment I just remember it hurt me deeply...the kids that lived in our complex were rude and said I shook the ground when I played tennis (I stopped playing tennis after that summer)...boys didn't like me...I had a growth spurt and it made me freakishly tall, my friends stopped being friends with me, my dad got sicker and had cancer and multiple surgeries, my parents fought and separated and we went to court and got shuffled around, my parents played us against one of them, I was assaulted and my assaulter told everyone I was easy (which made school life great), I gained weight to hide out, I smoked and drank, I binged and purged, my dad left us one day, and died a year later, I went down this endless shame spiral of really bad choices...I hated school and just floundered around

My real turning point was when I met Meg and Lauren...things just changed, suddenly people were nice and funny and liked me and we wandered around town and did new things and for once life was exciting...I mean life has gotten better and then worse and then better...right now I think it is on its way to better although for a while it was pretty bad...

But I have to let all of that go and just be happy in the moment..be happy that I have friends who love me and school is going well and I'm starting a new job and there are all of these possibilities

My goals:
To be published
Build my own home
Travel excessively
Marry my partner in crime (well meeting him first would be good)
Have a family
Just be deliriously happy

However, those are just the basics, I mean I'm sure I have other goals but those are the majors...like I'm not sure if I want to get my PhD or start working, construction or planning research, or build a home before I have a family or vice versa

I have decided I am going to be more open and accept the invitations I normally decline, hang out with people I normally wouldn't, give things a chance, stop freaking out because things aren't going the way I think they should (whether its timeframe or whatever) and in general, stop being such a snob and just live life...I think if this doesn't work well...I have time to come up with a new plan

I'm also going to let people see more of the real me...if they don't like it well....I'm tired of being a social butterfly anyway

Weird, weird dreams

So I had a couple dreams last night that are really weird and sticking with me...

I had a dream that I looked in the mirror and I saw a soldier and I was like where's me? and I keep trying to move around and kick to see myself in the reflection and I finally see a leg...and then there was this baby crying in a stroller and I buckle it back safely in its stroller with a rainbow seatbelt...it's like a doll stroller though you know the ones that are basically just a cloth seat and wheels....

and then I start spitting out teeth and I'm crying and my mom is there and I keep saying how this doesn't even happen to crack heads...

So of course I look them up...the teeth one is the worst...it means some calamity is going to befall me or a loved one...and crying means that some affliction will soon envelop me...

And the baby one well it's a mix of things...the soldier means that I am going to achieve my ideals...the baby is a new idea or beginning...but the crying means a disappointment...the soothing means love will be requited...rainbow equals happiness basically or that previous bad stuff will now reroute itself and become good...the mirror part is still a mystery it changes and none of the ideas seem to fit with what I saw

Can you blame this on the alcohol? Cause this was a hot mess!

So last night was a serious hot mess....my frenemy made out with my date, Doug tried to make out with me, people were drunk and ridiculous, and basically I feel completely at a loss....

So last night was our banquet which really meant we all drank and had some food...like whatever...so of course everyone gets out of hand drunk pretty quickly but its like all in good fun at first...like we're dancing and goofing around...Drew was my date because I figured he knew quite a few people already and he is generally social...instead he acted kind of awkward....at first....

So the night goes on and our open bar is over so we head to Allen...somehow Doug is in my car and like helping me bring the drunk people to my car and he decides to take my camera and take pictures of us and the girls and goof around and like whatever...so we get to Frizzy's and all of a sudden its an MUP reunion...so we pretty much take over the bar because who is out on a Monday night?

So I of course take over the jukebox lol...so I pick some Cali related songs, Sublime and what not...and Doug and I start dancing and he's like twirling me around and whatever and we're laughing like its good...then he wanders over to someone else and Drew meets up with us (he was visiting someone on Allen...idk who)...so we're still all goofing around and whatever and then we're taking pictures where Doug is pretty much kissing the side of my face and so we slowly turn and start kissing for real and of course his friend takes a picture and says to Doug so how was that? and he was like well it would have been better if you weren't in our faces with the camera...wtf?

So Rachel my frenemy (I think you remember her crazy rants from the winter party thing)...so she decides to make out with Drew and flirt and act ridiculous and then totally play the victim and act like a stupid retarded girl...so then Drew takes my phone at one point and gets her number and shows her that even though she doesn't want to give it he still got it...this has me super annoyed because I took him because he's usually just a fun time and doesn't hook up with slutty frenemies of mine.

So Doug is like chatting it up with other girls and I am like what a fucking lost cause...because I just I don't know anymore..so his friend C comes up to me and starts talking and I think I kept saying how I am so surprised at how people are acting tonight and he starts talking about how some people have a really hard time articulating when sober so it's even harder when they're drunk and I'm like what can we stop being so cryptic and he's like well Doug you know...and I was like oh I wasn't talking about him...which i guess maybe I was a bit but I was also talking about Drew and Rachel and the other girls...and we continue talking but change the subject a bit...and start talking about work stuff...so shop talk is easy for me...

So it's like this ridiculous drunken drama with Drew and Rachel and the other girls are acting retarded, except for Heckl and Kordupel so I leave and walk with Heckl and Kordrupel down to Jim's because I am mad and hate that I have such dumb drunk friends and of course they follow us down including D...who is semi-avoiding the drama...but he still has a part because Rachel is also like trying to fuck him...and she ripped his shirt and we're all like wtf is up with her...

So I get my turkey burger and I tell them I am leaving at which point Doug and I walk back to my car and then have to find the drunken others who somehow thought going down Elmwood was a good way to get to Frizzy's...so we pick up Matt and then we pick up Rachel and Drew at the Family Dollar and D is freaking out that she is coming with us...like complaining acting ridiculous the whole nine...but now I understand why...

So the drive home is really retarded because Drew and Rachel are arguing about absolutely nothing and Matt is sleeping and all I can do is turn up the music louder and louder...so D is like oh this is a great song baby and starts rubbing my shoulders...so I'm just like whatever but do notice how warm his hands are...I'm a loser I know

So I drop Drew off because I can't take anymore of the retardedness and then drop off Rachel who is trying to get D to go home with her but he is totally not having it...like she is being retarded and like pulling on him and stealing things from him and its just stupid and she's embarrassing herself...needless to say he doesn't go with her (thank god!)

So I I'm driving Matt home and they are arguing over who gets dropped off first... and then we start making fun of D for the Rachel thing...which he doesn't enjoy at all....I drop off Matt and him and Doug have some secret communicate going on because D keeps saying he's going to punch matt in the dick...whatever....so finally I drive D home who is trying to tell me that this isn't the usual for him and he doesn't hook up with girls in our department and doesn't really hook up in general and then I say well maybe the way you act with people is confusing...and he's like listen can I talk to you one-on-one? (As if there is anyone else in the car)...and he says there is this really cool girl named Kim and she's smart and cute and funny...do you know her? So I make a joke and say yea I hear she's pretty fabulous...and he's like it's more than that, she's completely awesome like there is not a thing wrong with her...but I just don't have the time to dedicate to a relationship with her...I'm just too busy right now and I don't have time for that kind of thing...

so I don't say anything because I can't believe he's being semi-honest with me right now...so he kisses me again and was like thanks for the ride I'll probably see you at graduation...and gets out

Drunken me of course begins to cry...for many reasons...because I feel sad at the situation, because the situation didn't work out the way I thought it would, because I don't know if its what I would want even if it were the outcome, because I'm lonely, because I know that if he really liked me he'd find a way, I don't know anymore

So I text Sam and ask him to tell me what is wrong with me because he knows me pretty well and I just need to know why no one will date me....as of 10am he has not responded...not that I expect him to I guess...