Trouble Trouble Trouble Trouble...Trouble been doggin' my soul since the day I was born...

So I have decided to purge all the boys I've ever liked/loved/pseudo-dated in an effort to purge my soul of bad juju and hopefully stop this incessant obsession with having a fairy tale ending...I'm going to discuss (in some cases for the first time) why they ended and hopefully end up with a mea culpa total

Age 10--Tony...totally crushed on him, we hung out in library, I wrote him a letter on my Lisa Frank stationery asking him to be my date to our 5th grade dance, ad he ran around the playground laughing and reading my letter to his friends

Age 11--Ricky...he only wanted to put his hands down my pants so I broke up with him...he called my house incessantly to call me a fat cow...clearly a gentleman

12--Eric---was madly in love with him, never told him, Aiesha did and I told him it wasn't true...he was still my pseudo-date to the 6th grade dance

13--Jason...totally liked him, he was one of the nicest boys I ever dated, he had horrible taste in jewelry, I broke up with him because I couldn't afford to buy him a birthday present...he had his friends point out the times I said Love ya 4E and how apparently I had no idea what 4E was, but I stood strong...plus I didn't have to wear that ugly necklace anymore...when I realized how dumb it was he said it was too late and dated my friend instead

14-15 Pete--he basically ruined my life...he was much more advanced with things and I was very very stupid

16--Richie...totally liked him but he was dating someone else

17--Jeremy--totally liked him, he loved me but I couldn't say it to him until it was too late...he cheated on me with some hooker face, she probably could say how she felt

18-21 Richie (again)--totally pined over him for years, he worked with my mom so I would go to the restaurant just to see him, eventually I worked there too, was totally lame and girly...like wrote him a letter and drove past his house, it was not my finest moment...he dated everyone around me except me and one day said he had no one left...I didn't go along with it...I quit my job there and never looked back

either 19 or 20--I forget his name....he was really nice, brought me flowers to work, said he would pay me to take the day off from work so we could spend it together, he was sooo sweet, never inappropriate but I was so obsessed with Richie I couldn't let it go...

20--Shane--he apparently liked me...one night I drove him home from a party and he said he didn't love me but he could love me...we made out in my car and after that I avoided him like the plague

21--Shawn--he seemed nice at first...then one day he thought he could talk to me however he wanted and he raised his hand at me...after my brother almost killed him it was pretty much over

22--Joe---one of my great loves, it actually started because I was semi-hooking up with his friend Andy and he knew Andy was bad news, one night when we were all hanging out I was saying good night to him and he asked me to stay with him...after that we were pretty inseparable...he understood me in a way that not many people have...he played songs for me on his guitar, was my wedding date and my road trip partner and he made my mom homemade pumpkin pie, he was really amazing...once he asked me if I liked him and I said no...he knew I was lying and asked why I couldn't just be honest with him, I was afraid to tell him...he was my best friend...I just didn't know how to make it work...he always wanted to know about the past I was hiding...I told him in an email once and he was okay with things...my whole inky past and he was fine with it, he went back home to Rochester for the summer and I dated one of his friends...he found out before i went to visit him...its not like we were really dating...well I didn't think so...he gave me a hair tie of mine he had been keeping and things were never the same

22/23--Johnny--friend of Joe...closest I felt to love I think, he was really a good guy, he even would take me shopping for fun because he wanted me to have new things or wanted me to have new stuff for vacation. He was really really great...his friend Russ just ruined things...well it was partially my fault but Russ felt he could intervene and call me a bitch and Johnny didn't intervene...things weren't the same

23--I forget his name too...we worked together hung out a bit and we made out a bit...he called out relationship nebulous and undefined...he was also secretly dating someone else and then assumed I would be okay with it...

23 Phil---he was totally the opposite of me...he was pierced and tattooed and philosophical but he really paid attention to me, he noticed things like when I used self-depreciating humor, how I looked when I watched movies, like these crazy minute details and he always wanted to be around me...we would hang out and he would show me crazy movies and pick on me in a good-humored way...he drove across the country with me when I moved back to California...one night during the trip he climbed into bed with me and just held me...we had developed this weird connection that I don't think I can ever describe...all I can say is that I felt so comfortable with him...we did new things that I would never do on my own...he stayed with me for a week in LA, we drove to San Diego for a music fest, it was amazing but everything I did with him was amazing...the day he left we didn't talk the entire car ride to LAX, we knew it wouldn't be the same without each other...he talked about coming back to LA for law school and taking me on a trip somewhere...We talked on the phone daily, I shared my stories of job hunting and getting lost on the freeway, he told me about work and how he was saving up for his trip to Spain, he was going to teach for a year...we got into a fight once, over me wanting to come back to Buffalo, he didn't think I tried hard enough, I was upset because I thought it meant he didn't care about me...I didn't call him for about a week and in that time my brother flew out and picked me up...Phil was mad at me for not being honest with him and just telling him I was coming back anyway...I distanced myself because I wanted to be away from him before he wanted to be away from me

24-Mike...he was my design professor, in his 30s, we had a quirky connection, we shared random trivia and he definitely had a soft spot for me...he was a giant nerd and well I love nerds...we bonded...I don't know if it was ever a love connection but I was definitely smitten with him..we went for coffee a few times and it was like marathon coffee chats...the first one was four hours long...we still keep in touch sometimes but he moved back to WV to become the director of an art department at another college

24-25 Tim--we were buddies and we got on well...we hung out a lot...he called me for our regular Thursday night dates...it was a lot of fun...he was a little nerdy and well I would do anything for him and he did quite a lot for me...there was a weird time when his friend Ben said I was calling him and asking him out but I think Tim kind of ignored it...someone said something to Tim about dating me once and he said he wasn't ready for a relationship...I could never say anything myself...until one day I wrote him a message on FB and told him I didn't know what to think about what we were doing but I knew that I couldn't do it anymore...he started dating someone about a week later

The time frame on the rest is a little fuzzy

there was...

Tony--he confessed he had been in love with me for 10 years...we tried but ti never clicked, he lacked the initiative, especially since he knew how I felt...he married the next girl he dated...I don't really think they are happy and not in a spiteful mean girl way I mean because they fundamentals of their relationship were not worked out before the wedding..like him hating the idea of kids and her poking wholes in condoms hoping for a "mistake"

Justin--eh he was nerdy, smarter than me..I liked it but once he thought I would sabotage his relationship (pseudo-relationship) with this girl he liked because he knew I liked him...I'm not that kind of girl..I'm not competitive like that...so we stopped even being friends for a bit...

"Doug"--totally a mindf*ck...he was wishy washy nice to me, mostly when I helped with his homework...he drunkenly kissed me one night and told me I was perfect and wonderful and smart and funny and when I reminded him of it sober he acted like I was crazy

"Sam"--I can't even explain this one...he just became someone I didn't recognize....oh and he totally fucked Trish...so done obviously

Winter Break Mike--he loved me but it wasn't real, it was instantaneous...it was also kind of nice though..but he was smothering at times...he wanted to hang on to me too tight and well I need my freedom...plus I thought he would take over my life eventually so I distanced myself...we tried again during the summer but he only wanted sex...apparently a few months apart and he had become bitter and jaded just that quickly...he wasn't the same...so I ducked out

Tommy--we met in Target, he was super sweet in the beginning, took me to Glen Falls and it was so romantic and sweet and then two dates later he was yelling at me and telling me to watch my mouth and was just verbally abusive and nasty to me...I avoided him and he would call me and send me nasty text messages...I was really afraid of him

Maikol---he was the one I thought was going to be different...he was so nice and so sweet and he would call just to say hi or see how I was doing and it was really great...well you probably know...he has been in quite a few blog posts...then one day he stood me up, and then he starting talking to Trish..and anyone who knows Trish knows there is never just "talking" when she's around...especially when she offers to meet him at midnight somewhere

Those are all the boys I have dated/pseudo dated in the past

Right now there are some guys I kind of like...

Mike--the new one...sometimes I think I like him and other times he just drives me insane...he does pay attention to my every thought, move, saying, and opinion though which I think is funny...he tries to analyze me and I think its only because I try to analyze him...he's socially awkward in a way that entertains me and sometimes annoys me...

Chad--he came out of nowhere (see previous blogs)...I don't know how to feel about him...I sometimes think he likes me...and other times I am not sure...he makes sure to sit by me in class and in the lab and remembers random things about my life..he's really sweet but also a little awkward which is amazing to me because he seems pretty confident most of the time...he makes a big deal out of being near me though...he's not my usual type..Meagan and Mel say that I should go after him just because he's hot...he has quite a few tattoos and just generally doesn't seem to care what people think for the most part...the jury is still out...

Cisco--he is a random choice...he's a few years older than me, from my high school, he goes to school in Michigan right now, law and planning, we have a lot in common and he really is interested in my life and says how proud he is of me...we have coffee together when he comes home, which usually lasts about 4 hours...but he never touches me and I don't get it...like he is hyper vigilant about not touching me...

You can't always get what you want...

So I feel really lame for writing this..like lamer than your normal super girly post….

They say find happiness in you and it will lead to finding the happiness you seek in others

Happiness comes from within

Happiness comes from experiences with others

U.S. People have spent $10 million dollars in self-help books. meetings, conferences, all for the desire of happiness

But what happens when you are happy with yourself and you are on top of your game…but you realize for one of the first times in your life that you actually have no one to share it with?

I am financially stable for the first time in months…maybe years…and by stable I don’t mean I have oodles and oodles of money, I mean I have some and I finally understand that things don’t make me happy…I’d prefer to feel secure than have that new handbag that I never will use

I am on top of my game as far as work and school go

I was awarded the President’s Scholarship for Spring 2010

I was contacted by Richard Florida’s camp to come and guest speak because of my paper on migration

Things are going really well for me….in all aspects of my life except for the romance department

I don’t get it…part of me wonders if you can only have so much good going on…like you may want one thing but you’ve reached your cap on happiness…is that possible?

Maybe not everyone can live happily ever after?

I say this for what I may later see as a silly reason…I have had dreams the past few months that dictate that I will find someone significant after a series of events….those events have all happened and yet here I am by myself…

I’ve tried to clean out the clutter in my house because they say nothing new can come into your life if there’s no room…

Feng Shui says that if you have room on both sides of your bed it means you are ready to share your life with someone…a bedroom makeover later…still nothing

Maybe I’m trying too hard…but part of me thinks that maybe that route just isn’t for me…which makes me really sad

More sad than it normally does…I mean I’m usually by myself and I have these pseudo-escapades with boys and then its over and I think about how glad I am to be rid of them…but what happens when you don’t want to be rid of them anymore?

I have gone on numerous dates lately…and tried to put myself out there more than before…and I am not getting the one thing I want: something reciprocal and meaningful

I just don’t get it…