My life as of late...

So school has completely consumed my life...

People think that I am kidding but I am seriously at school from about 845am-715pm each night at which time I am sooo exhausted that my life ceases to exist...I become that old woman who falls asleep before the Daily Show...because honestly who doesn't choose sleep even over the witty political stylings of one Jon Stewart?

So here's my school life in a nutshell

At my work study where I am there 4 days a week, my boss doesn't know my name. Like he doesn't care to know my name...he's never even asked...maybe he thinks the work fairy just dropped me off one day to analyze countless GIS maps and pick up copies and post things on foamcore. Like I am just a human version of staples with GPS skills...it's not like my name is LaFawndah or something...it's just three little letters...I mean let's be honest it's not that difficult.

So I have decided I am going to just wander around the 5th floor and print for my own personal uses...and dance in the bathroom...everyone is soooo serious on the 5th floor like can't anyone ever talk about what happened on Keeping Up with the Kardashians? Or how Kanye dissed Taylor? Instead everything is about the upcoming plan and designs and how important the president is and Kofi Annan...I mean I am all for professional conversation but come on...I've been waiting to bust out my Kim Kardashian impression...why must people steal my joy?? I don't steal their staplers they shouldn't steal my joy

Which brings us to studio...there are 3 planners and 11 architects...clearly we are out numbered...it feels like that movie 300 where they march into battle knowing that they won't make it out alive but they have to try to fight anyway...well without the Tonight we dine in hell comment (because honestly who wants to dine in hell? and how is this an appropriate battle rally?) we marched into the room...and immediately felt like that first day of class at a new school when everyone already has friends and you feel like the cheese that stood alone? well yea it was something like that...so the 3 of us shared one table while the rest each had their own...the professor seems oblivious to the social ramifications of this scenario...

She also refers to us as the planners so often that we use it as a joke...and she doesn't realize that we're making fun of it...she actually asked us if we would use it as the name of our firm...AS IF!

Which brings us to who Brian and I refer to as Douchey McGee...I don't get it but he just acts like an ass...like off handed comments, lots of eye rolling, generally acts annoyed to be there...and whenever we present he either leaves the room, texts the whole time or acts like what we're saying is trivial (and after talking to the one architect today who didn't know what filter in excel meant clearly we're arent stupid)

So Brian and I started calling him Douchey McGee...well what i hate the most is that he's not an idiot...I could do better hating him if he was...I agree with most of what he says, ideas he proposes and I really like his designs...like what I think he can design...which is annoying because I want to hate him...I've been trying to convince myself as such...so today...he was his usual self...so Brian and I picked the official study areas for our final proposal...during his presentation he talks about taking pictures of entire blocks in the neighborhood and making them into panoramic displays...which I think is cool...god I hate that I like douches

So I ask Brian if since we picked the final areas if we should tell him...he says we should...so I suck it up...but I refuse to go alone...so if he's douchey Brian can mentally catalog it for making fun of him later...but instead when I walk over him and his friend stop and look and me and get this...he's smiling at me...like not in a snotty way but in a hey I wanted to see you nice warm smile that normally makes me want to throw up...like ummm why isn't he being a douche? Is it because I caught him being douchey during our presentation?

So I show them my hand drawn sheet depicting the borders and he's like Oh wow thanks this is awesome, exactly what we need...this clears up everything...and again not in a snotty way...like he's being nice and sincere...I mean seriously? Why is he being nice to us? He goes on to make small talk and I just looked at him...like he has a soul, a personality, social skills? why is he being nice...it weirds me out...architects are supposed to hate planners...at least in our school...and here he is talking about work and holidays and things...so I end with well we're out of here have a good weekend...and he returns the sentiments...I'm at a loss

Where's Derek Jeter when you need him?

So I guess for ages people have wondered...what does it mean to get to third base...well this kid on FB decided to spell it out for everyone...so I had to post it for you blog world!!


Standardized Guide to the Bases!

--On Deck- Having plans for a date
--Strike-Out- Duh!!
--Walk- Kissing
--Bunt- Masturbation
--Single- Tongue kissing
--Double- Breasts/chest touched, some clothes off, lots of
grabbing and feels
--Triple- Most of the clothes off, genital contact, mutual
masturbation
--Inside the park home run- Oral Sex
--Home Run- SEX!
--Ground Rule Double- would have sex, but no condom
--Error- Condom breaks during sex
--Banned for life for gambling- sex without condom
--Hall of Fame- Marriage

Now that we've got the basics, let's introduce some terms to
better explain all the things that can happen now a days.

--Balk- Premature ejaculation
--Pine Tar- KY jelly
--Relief pitcher- Vibrator
--Rain Delay- parents/roommate return home unexpectedly
--Box Seats- Waterbed
--Seventh Inning Stretch- Unusual positions
--Rookie- Virgin
--Minor Leagues- Under 18
--Loaded Bases- menage a trois
--Grand Slam- Sex three times in twelve hours
--Foul tip- VD
--Three up and three down- impotency

Secret: Strong Enough for a Man...Made for a Woman

Have you ever wondered why some foreign people smell so bad? I mean really I don’t get it…like it’s not like bathing is a foreign term/idea….deodorant is not the devil here kids…B.O. is…I can’t handle it…in particular there are two students in my studio who pretty much reek non-stop…like when I was a kid in middle and high school they would pull those stinky kids aside and talk to them about not offending other s and learning about hygiene…why is this not the case today…I mean honestly if you are downwind from one of these girls it makes your nose hurt, like my gag reflex kicks in…like why is it fair that I should nearly retch because you don’t think you need deodorant or a frickin’ shower?

I do really love the women’s bathroom on the 3rd floor of Crosby…it always smells like oranges and soap…two of my favorite smells…this maybe part of the problem…I really love the smell of Dial soap…like it’s comforting for me…this probably has something to do with an OCD mother who cleaned more than Danny Tanner but I digress…so I get to enjoy all of that wonderfulness and then I walk into studio and nearly throw up….like there’s no transition, no “hey nose get ready” you are just suddenly assaulted and I don’t get it…I mean really it’s not fair. Like it’s the equivalent to taking a big dump in the middle of the room….no one says anything? And I try so hard not to sit next to them but somehow they are always creeping near me…the one likes to compliment my jewelry…I tried to respond politely without breathing…you can see the conundrum there…

And in a country like India that has millions of people in close quarters, no one thought of deodorant? That must be the stinkiest city ever…I imagine people using the perfumed handkerchief similar to the times of the bubonic plague….I can’t be sure but that’s the only remedy I think will work.

An Island waiting to be discovered...part 2

OK, so I know I said I was over boy posts but I just wanted to give the update so you knew where they all stood before I didn't mention them again

Also all boys mentioned in previous posts (J, C, D, Doug, Sam) do not exist for all intents and purposes...I am so over my "options"...I only want to date a nice guy and they aren't really nice...

I think this is because of Tommy over the summer...some of you know about this guy...and how he thought he could control me and act like I was some second class citizen which is not the case at all...because everyone knows I am a princess

But the fact that someone can treat people like that makes me leery of starting a relationship without knowing the person a lot better...friends first maybe?

Are we there yet?

So I know blog I promised I would pay more attention to you but well I am a big liar...you can't believe anything I say ever...I'm going to try but no promises (that's not a lie)

I have decided I am done posting about boys...they are just one big mindfuck and I can't take it anymore...where are the cute nice boys who don't want to just F-you and then think that's ok...I want to be wined and dined (preferably lots of wine)...and until this happens I am done obsessing about boys...this is a new leaf for me

This is happening because I watched Sex and the City the other day and Charlotte had one of her prim and proper freak outs about the 4 of them being completely genius but their conversations were always about guys and how lame were they...adn I realized I do the same thing...I never talk about politics or fun times or a new recipe I learned not to burn...I write about stupid boys all day long and I chat about stupid boys and well stupid boys are always on the brain...so with that being said...I am done...because I am a genius girl as well and have a lot to add to conversations

Speaking of which...I went to the outlets with Chris and Eric on Saturday...for those of you who don't know them...Eric is the nicest boy in the whole world, he never yells at anyone, never gets angry, is always polite...I am convinced this is all an act I mean seriously who can be all Pollyanna all the time? Unless you're a pod person...I mean really...but when I went to his house I didn't see a podlike cocoon that he could sleep in at night...although I didn't go in the basement...isn't that where those things are usually kept? Basements creep me out though...especially after John told me that a killer clown was waiting for me near the laundry hamper...John is evil, don't let him fool you..

Sorry for that tangent....so back to Eric, I decided that I was going to make it my mission to make him crack, I'm a little evil and I like to try new social experiments everyday

So I think how can I possibly be annoying enough for him to yell at me...I mean there are multiple routes I could take...the incessant talking, hitting him repeatedly, pretending to have tourette's...the possibilities are endless...

I go with the incessant talking while he's driving, which goes something like this:

me: So that's where I used to grocery shop (points to Wegmans) OMG I love pizza hut do you like pizza hut

Eric: sure

me: Have you ever been go-karting?

Eric: no

me: OMG you totally should although I think there's a chance you'd die so i personally wouldn't

Eric: silence

me: Down that road is where I went to tea for my birthday...

Eric: How did you find out about that place?

me: I read Eric..GOD that's what's wrong with America...it was so much fun have you ever gone for tea? It was amazing they had little sandwiches and scones and Meagan came and we learned how to dunk our tea bags and balls and we had a birthday cupcake

Eric: Kim, please I don't care

me: You don't care about me? I mean what kind of friend are you. I'm just making conversation

Eric: I am trying to drive Kim (I should mention now Eric drives super proper, like hands on 10 and 2 and doesn't look around unless its driving related...no radio station changing either...clearly he's not a real American...I mean who doesn't multi-task...I put on mascara, text, and drink my Starbucks all while driving)

me: So does that mean you can't talk to me? I should just sit in silence and stare out the window? I am a social person Eric I can't help who I am..don't try to change me!

Eric: Kim I'm nto trying to change you I am just focusing on the road

me: Fine I'll just die of boredom then...thanks for the great day

Eric: silence...sigh...what would you like to talk about?

me: Nothing now...why do I have to start all the conversations anyway? Can't you ever start one for once? I mean this friendship is a two-way street

Eric: long pause...exasperated sigh...ok, well what did you do yesterday?

me: Shouldn't you focus on the road? Are you trying to kill me? I am precious cargo Sir! Should I bring a helmet next time? I mean good lord...some people!

Eric: silence

me: Aren't you glad you know me?

Eric: gives a half smile

me: I'll talk that smile to mean "I am extremely lucky to know you, so much so that I can't describe in words"

Eric: silence

So we arrived at the outlets and I couldn't get Eric to crack...him telling me he didn't care was as close as I got to him changing out of that cheery mood...which just convinces me he must be a pod person...what are the signs a person is a pod person? and how do you know if they are benevolent, just want to live on earth or if he's waiting for the perfect time to suck out my brains and make me a pod person too?