How I feel at the moment

I love you. And not, not in a friendly way, although I think we're great friends. And not in a misplaced affection, puppy-dog way, although I'm sure that's what you'll call it. I love you. Very, very simple, very truly. You are the-the epitome of everything I have ever looked for in another human being. And I know that you think of me as just a friend, and crossing that line is-is-is the furthest thing from an option you would ever consider. But I had to say it. I just, I can't take this anymore. I can't stand next to you without wanting to hold you. I can't-I can't look into your eyes without feeling that-that longing you only read about in trashy romance novels. I can't talk to you without wanting to express my love for everything you are. And I know this will probably queer our friendship - no pun intended - but I had to say it, 'cause I've never felt this way before, and I-I don't care. I like who I am because of it. And if bringing this to light means we can't hang out anymore, then that hurts me. But God, I just, I couldn't allow another day to go by without just getting it out there, regardless of the outcome, which by the look on your face is to be the inevitable shoot-down. And, you know, I'll accept that. But I know, I know that some part of you is hesitating for a moment, and if there's a moment of hesitation, then that means you feel something too. And all I ask, please, is that you just - you just not dismiss that, and try to dwell in it for just ten seconds. Alyssa, there isn't another soul on this fucking planet who has ever made me half the person I am when I'm with you, and I would risk this friendship for the chance to take it to the next plateau. Because it is there between you and me. You can't deny that. Even if, you know, even if we never talk again after tonight, please know that I am forever changed because of who you are and what you've meant to me, which - while I do appreciate it - I'd never need a painting of birds bought at a diner to remind me of.

---Chasing Amy

How Could you Be So Heartless...

Yea basically I love quoting song lyrics...but here's today's story

I realized today that I am completely over Doug...like I saw him today and he tried to talk to me and nothing...no butterflies, no giddiness, no nervousness...I just stared at him while he talked and thought about how sad he was...how he had built up such ridiculous defenses that kept him away from someone he really cared about until they had completely given up...about how he looked so sad as he tried to painfully make conversation with me at a time when i could care less...Obviously I saw a bit of myself in him, because I generally do the same thing...sometimes I wonder if its like a Pisces thing for us to keep our feelings bottled up for so long that we miss opportunities...I mean me, Doug, Sam all the same and well in the case of me and Doug at least it's freakishly similar. So I should work to change this right? Because what if Sam is the same? That he's only seeing that hag because she pursued him, made it easy and he feels like he should like her? I mean what if he liked me but he never thought I liked him and we missed out on a chance for happiness? I would never forgive myself...

Here's the deal...I had this psychic reading that said that he would make the first move and it would lead to ultimate happiness for me...so I have been holding off on saying anything...I mean part of me is deathly afraid of what he'll say but part of me thinks I should just say something. I'm petrified at the potential of the silence after I say "hey I don't know if you know but I like you"

Craziness and Political Drama

So this weekend was pretty ridiculous...not only did he show up with a different girl but a woman said some crazy racist stuff to me, the love of my life decided that maybe he likes me again (or maybe he never didnt not like me) and my administration is already having issues...such is life...

OK so first off we already know the boy saga...but so today he completely does a 180...so I am supposed to meet him at school at 3....at 3:01 he is texting me regarding my whereabouts...ummm really? so as I walk up to the building I see him staring out of the lobby window waiting for me...and then he goes to hide to scare me....seriously ridiculous, so as soon as I come in he's all hyper and chatting and pretend punching me and our legs touched a few times and i caught him looking at me a few times...like what the hell is going on? Does he like me? Does he not? This is so confusing...maybe he's only dating her cause he's bored...I've been there before...I feel like I should just say "hey let's date" when we walked out tonight he even kept his pace with mine, something we argue/joke/talk about frequently because he walks super duper fast like seriously 2 of his strides=4 of mine...and still joking around but we still talk about serious things...like my current political issues

So here's that whole deal...I sent out an e-mail to all of the future officers congratulating them on their victories and laying out our plans for next year...when I get this message from Kirk saying he plans on making it a GPSA initiative to fire one of our professors, like make a petition and spring it on him at the end of the semester...I was like WTF! First off that is not what the organization is about, 2nd that is super shitty to do that to someone. Danielle calls me frreaking out saying if we are supporting this she is resigning her position. So I write back and talk about how there are rules and regulations and a chain of command and that that cannot be our first big change. So then Derek emails back and says he supports Kirk...so I start rallying the troops because we are not letting this happen. So Chris writes a email back and basically told them to suck it...and he was hysterical on the phone because he was like "Kirk isn't even in a high office" (Chris is VP) So now I have people on both sides completely freaking out and threatening to resign and everything is a hot mess...then i find out from Chris that the reason they want to get rid of him (the prof) because he accused them of plagiarism...for having the exact same answers on the midterm...ummm hey! that is plagiarism and you should have gotten called out...it was a misunderstanding because it was a take-home exam but still...he didn't fail them, didn't report them to the Dean so it should be no harm no foul....we'll see what happens

SO about this crazy woman, whos like a research prof at school sees me at Atelier with my mom and I introduce her and she says "Oh now we know which parent is African American, I always wondered because I knew you were a mix but didn't know who was who. You're a mutt" and as peoples jaws drop and my moms fists are cleanched up like she was ready to beat her down she continues with an Obama reference...like what?!? And the love of my life flew off of his seat like he was going to come to my side which was nice and then my mom freaked and Tamara came over to calm her down...like it was ridiculous and so Bev walks away and we're all talking normal and then she has the nerve to come back over and talk and try to make conversation with me and my mom, so my mom completely freaks and leaves and I had to follow her out...

This is the same woman who read my ideas for the GPSA saw a tree planting and thought it was some controversial tree planting at e-mail my boss at city hall and her mom completely freaking out on them...like she is seriously insane...

OK I'm watching tough love so I'm out

I know I said I wouldn't do it...

Okay, here it is, your choice... it's simple, her or me, and I'm sure she is really great. But Derek, I love you, in a really, really big pretend to like your taste in music, let you eat the last piece of cheesecake, hold a radio over my head outside your window, unfortunate way that makes me hate you, love you. So pick me, choose me, love me.

----Grey's Anatomy

Because my life is....ummm interesting

So I have decided to start a blog...well I had one once a long time ago...like a livejournal back in the day when those were cool but I decided if everyone can post about their ugly babies and boring vacations perhaps there is a market for my life...I'm pretty funny, completely neurotic actually but for some reason most people find me pretty entertaining. Its probably one of those car-wreck kind of interesting, like you know it's a mess and you shouldn't look but you can't help it...that's what i imagine anyway.

So I guess some things about me: I am perpetually single, love everything pink, am allergic to absolutely everything and I make the worst choices that I know, most of them involving not making any sort of move. I have two best friends Meg and Melissa and I would pretty much cease to exist without them. I pine over a guy in my program who thinks we are just BFFs. I often think I am blatantly obvious but apparently I am a mystery. I'm an overachiever and severly type-A. I love classic movies, gerbera daisies and thunderstorms. I'm secretly a really sappy romantic but its often covered by sarcasm. I'm pretty creative and I am petrified of clowns and being trapped inside a giant crowd of people. I prefer to run away rather than ever face anything.

I'm also probably going to post again today....