Pseudo-dating or commit-a-phobe?

I have to have this on record. I have no idea whatsoever what the definition of dating is these days...

When is a date a date? Is it when the guy asks a girl out? When he offers to pay? When he picks you up? When he holds doors and walks on the outside of the street? What happens if it's the girl who asks the guy out? Or if they go dutch? What if you hang out in a group but it’s clear there are dating couplets?

I mean seriously how on earth would I know if it's a date? I may have been dating all my life and never really come upon a real traditional date…it’s never like the movies, he doesn’t pick you up and bring flowers and compliment you on your cute outfit or fabulous hair ‘do…you could easily swap this guy for your best girl friend and the experience could be pretty similar…but where is it different?

Besides it's so stressful to think of it as a date date. It’s probably just me but I tend to think of someone I'm dating as someone I'm actually having a committed relationship with. Everyone else, it's just meeting up…or pseudo dating

I googled pseudo-dating thinking that it was something I just created…and yet there it was in all it’s google glory…

Definition: (1) when one person asks another person to do something and only one person knows that it's a date. Also referred to as trick dating

(2) The act of partaking in platonic activities with a member of the opposite sex which, while appearing innocent on the surface, may be construed as inappropriate by their potential significant other. Pseudo-dating often involves mild flirtation and may progress to actual "dating" down the road.

(courtesy of urbandictionary.com—my go-to for all things slang)

I think this is seriously an issue in commitment phobic America these days…I am constantly on pseudo-dates wondering if things are just platonic or if they want to date date me…. The partially commitment phobic side of me thinks of meeting up with guys as... well... meeting up or hanging out. Maybe that's also the deluded side of me. But sometimes it's just so vague. I mean perhaps he's asking just as friends? I don't necessarily think that every guy who asks me out is romantically interested in me. And maybe he pays 'coz he's just being a man and the amount isn't all that much anyway to burn a hole in his wallet. I’ve had guy friends who I’ve met up with who have done that. And I have no reason to ever think it was anything besides purely platonic.

I’ve been hanging out (for lack of a better word) with Cisco lately…we go for five hour coffee together and he’s interested in what papers I write and in my life and remembers random things about me and offers to pay…does this mean we’re dating? He always says let’s get together soon…does that mean date? Or is that like when I say hang out? He’s finally back in town after being away at grad school for so long, so we need to adjust to a whole new scenario…before I used to see him on breaks from school…now we can technically see each other everyday (not that it would happen)…when he walked me to my car after coffee (for the 3rd time) he brought up the “I had a great time” speech and we hugged (the full double arm-squeeze kind of hug)….but without him saying it or making a move, are we dating? Does he just like chatting with people for 5 hours at a coffee shop?

We talked about someone he used to “hang out” with and he didn’t think it was dating because he “didn’t like her like that” but he took her out for birthday drinks, they did dinner at her house and there were movies involved…they were totally dating in my opinion…I’m quite sure the girl in this scenario thought so…I brought up pseudo-dating and he acted like it was a foreign idea…I explained what he felt was platonic was totally dating in her eyes…duh

So why is it so easy for me to see when others are pseudo-dating or dating but I couldn’t say the same for myself if someone stood outside my window with a boombox over their head ala Say Anything?

Undateable

So on the few remaining days of my vacation I decided I would do whatever I wanted, and have time to prep for my first day in the real world....so of course I watched VH1's Undateable marathon...for those of you have have lives and haven't seen this, there is a book written by two women who list the gross, weird, nerdy, lame things guys do that make us not want to sleep with them or date them...

Here are my favorites (see if you agree)

1) Own a cat (serious deal breaker...what dude owns a cat?)
2) Chews tobacco
3) has a dirty bathroom (all sorts of grossness there)
4) uses the word MOIST to describe....you know (the word moist makes me want to vomit in general)
5) mandals with socks (Drew is a huge offender!!! And I tease him mercilessly)
6) Bluetooth on 24/7
7) saying "tap that" maybe because I don't want to be compared to a keg...call me crazy
8) weird bro handshake
9) speedos (when you're not David Beckham or a professional swimmer)
10) fanny packs or man purses
11) excessive hair (nose, ears, back, bottom...please use clippers, wax or something)
12) obsession with video games/dungeons and dragons/ LARP (Live Action Role Playing--an acronym I didn't learn until yesterday)
13) lame sayings on t-shirts (ex. I'm not a gynecologist but I'll take a look)
14) saying booyah excessively
15) weird names for boobs (chesticles is by far one of the grossest)

Other winners:
highlights (ala Nick Lachey 98degrees days), wallet chains (hello 1992), weird chin hair (see Brad Pitt), mullets, Double Denim (see Canadian Tuxedo), Alabama Suitcases (traveling {not moving}with a taped up box or garbage bag)

What do you all think makes someone undateable??


On the flipside, there's the VH1 show What Chili Wants...a show about Chili (from TLC fame) and her search for the perfect man...she has a list of things she thinks make a man dateable

1) six pack
2) can’t drink or smoke
3) has to love god
4) has to be superfine
5) can’t eat pork
6) he has to be "packin'"
7) finer than Denzel
8) sense of humor
9) love kids, but not have “no more than two baby mamas” so he also can’t love kids too much

and a slew of others...and people recommended that she see a therapist because her standards are too high and that there's some internal reason she won't open up...

So I don't get it...

there's a list of 100 things that make someone undateable (which ps they mentioned a few things that made girls undateable...and they prefaced it with "well there are very few reasons we won't date you/sleep with you...like making them watch sex and the city haha)

but then someone who has their own list is seen as crazy...I think some of Chilli's standards are pretty high and maybe she's a little over demanding and crazy...she's like 40 so you'd think maybe a few of those things she'd be more forgiving on

I have a list...am I crazy? Don't people have lists of things they look for in a guy?

My list is:

--taller than me (I'm a tall girl, but I suppose with the right personality/chemistry I could negotiate this)
--as smart as or smarter than me (or just smart in a different way, ex. more technical)
--good conversation (like the kind that leads to inside jokes, etc)
--pushes the cart in stores (I like to roam free)
--washes the dishes/loads the dishwasher (I like cooking but I HATE dishes)
--is the big spoon in bed, but doesn't spoon all night (a-what guy likes being the little spoon and b--I get hot so I can cuddle all night)
--isn't a total slob
--knows when to let me have my way BUT will call me out when I'm being a brat (otherwise I take advantage of the scenario)
--is thoughtful
--willing to travel or try new things

I feel like this isn't so crazy or so demanding...can someone tell me if it is?