An Island waiting to be discovered

So I just feel very confused...I just don't get it anymore...I used to think I knew what to do, who to choose, how to go about it (partially) but now I don't know anymore

New guys in the mix of things to be known by code only

J--new kid in the MUP program, pretty entertaining, cute, think he's pretty smart, 2 years younger than me

C--have known him most of my life in Buffalo, actually pretty much all of it but hes been away for quite some time earning a dual MUP/JD degree, really smart, completely understands where I am coming from on a lot of things, 2 years older than me

and some oldies:

Doug

Sam

I'm sure you know them by now...we all know neither of them is good for me..

So here's what I don't know...I don't know what to do/say anymore...I don't know who to choose or how to act or how to know the difference between friendship and romance....I'm just very confused

OK so I met J on Friday...he's funny, smart, really cute, not my usual type...like he's kind of a bad ass..like he reminds me of Jess from GG...well kind of...maybe he is kind of my type...I mean Doug is kind of the same way...hmmm not sure...we talked and had a good time..are now FB friends and he sent me a msg thanking me for showing him a good time..we're also working together

Then there's C...we went to the same high school, I randomly e-mailed him to ask about his grad program and we ended up going for coffee...for 5 hours! I feel like we had so much to talk about and so much in common, and it was nice to have someone who had a similar upbringing and experience but still be really smart and understand why we want to get out of this town...but also want the whole family deal...like he described his idea of house, wife, kids, etc and it just made me melt a bit...and he has goals and we can talk about all kinds of things...but the thing is when he talked about all of the things he wanted and I really just wanted him to say he wanted me to be there...which is ridiculous I guess...I just don't know how to read people anymore...I've lost my edge...I'm letting my loneliness and my longing for a fairytale ending mess with my head I think...I mean maybe I only like the idea of him...but I know more than the idea...I just love that he gets what life is like here but doesn't want to live here forever but he wants to come back eventually because of his family, which I feel more like that everyday...he's just such a gentleman like holds doors, walks on the outside of the sidewalk, that whole deal which I absolutely love...and he asked if he could call me next time he was in town...but I just don't know...I mean part of me is like 5 hours for coffee and chatting should say something, but its like what if he's like McArtsy? we had coffee 2 days in a row for like 3 hours and then he ignored me...

Maybe I'll just have to wait and see how things pan out...*crosses fingers*

I mean most people fancy me a wonder woman or ice queen but I want the whole package...I want the family, kids, nice house deal...

I don't know anymore...I just hope I can figure it out soon...maybe C will come to the town meeting Thursday...that would make me pretty excited...

So I know it's been a bit blogging world...but I had a lot of growing and learning to do this summer...and a job without internet access...

However as far as learning goes...I have realized that some boys are awful for me, as much as I think I want them I am much better off without them...I've realized that if you pretend something long enough, it becomes true...and that sometimes when you get what you think you're looking for you realize you don't really want it...because you want something completely different.

Also, those kids who made it from nothing, they're always striving and struggling to prove they're good enough...because someone used to tell them they'd never make it...so maybe you think they're a little douche-y because they talk about their accomplishments...but really they just want you to know they matter...it's sad but it's true, so you should really give them a chance...once they simmer down they're actually a lot of fun.

Well I will try to post more often...I really do have a lot to say